The Aftermath Struggle

Welp. Same old, same old. Got back from spending a week in Arizona last night with Fola, and...

(sighs)

I really don't know what to make of our relationship. I really don't.

It pains me to even think about it. Whenever I get pictures of her and her family having fun, and texts telling me about a BBQ and waffle cones, and whatever other random thing and I'm not there and then I get another text with a, "how come you aren't here?" as if I was invited in the first place and I wasn't; and another text that is completely oblivious to my reply text about how I do want to be there, and that her telling me these things were torturing me.

She brushed that off, of course. My question was, "what else is there that you can torture me with?" and she replies with, "touching myself".

It sucks, man. It.. man...

I want a family. I don't want to waste time waiting around with this girl. I want to move forward. I want to live with a wife and child.

But, fate has decided otherwise, it seems and instead I'm forced to suck this all up and pretend like it doesn't matter. Even though I rarely pretend about it, I certainly do keep my sorrow to myself, because who needs to hear that shit? I've said it enough times to Fola already, but I suspect its a flavor-of-the-moment sort of deal where she listens to it once, and then never puts it in her mind ever again. Or so infrequently, that it doesn't matter.

And her lack of modesty.. Geez. Compliment her, and I basically get a "I know" sort of reply. Nothing humble about that girl at all. And for someone who claims to be wanting unconditional love; it seems very unfair that she is more about receiving it, than giving it, which kind of makes the whole situation of her like this sort of vampirism. Where I'm getting the blood sucked out of me, and not getting anything much in return. Or at least anything in proportion to what I'm putting out.

Not even basic consideration. Fola keeps asking me questions about why I get jealous when I see her talking to other men. First of all, I'm not particularly jealous. It had more to do with the way she would stand off to the side of me, and pretend like I'm not there most of the time. You'd think a good girlfriend would take notice, and stand besides me. Maybe hold my hand. Give me a reassuring touch, or look, as she's chatting up with some random dude with this big beaming smile on

And of course, all this like I don't exist.

On the flight back, Fola decided it was more important that she stayed seated with some other guy rather than sit next to me. And she wonders why I'm "jealous"..

Fuck, man. This is not the kind of relationship I want. This is..

I'm not sure what this is supposed to be. A test? That's the only way I can look at it. Is it a long-term thing and will there be a light at the end of the tunnel with Fola, or no? Or should I actually be putting myself back out there, and try to find someone else who isn't as immodest, selfish, ignorant and inconsiderate?

But, man. I do love that woman. Not in the kind of way that I would expect a romantic relationship to be, but this love where its like.. I know her. I know her deeply. Even from before I was born, I knew exactly what kind of a person she is.

And a part of me is telling me to hang on. To stick it out and see what happens. Maybe she will realize things. Maybe she will change. Maybe she will understand that to get love, you first have to give it. You have to be able to understand what love is, and appreciate it, and work towards maintaining good relations, because it never should be a one-sided thing. She knows I'm single. |She knows I'm monogamous. She knows how badly I want a family, a wife, a child.

She knows she doesn't treat me as well as she should. She knows all these things, and sometimes the guilt does get to her, and she sometimes does make up for certain things.

But, she hardly does. She's so self-centered. So.. Immature. Which is expected, being that she is 30 years old and I am 39.

Nine year age difference.

Best sex ever.

Fantastic chemistry.

We're both intensely curious about the world.

We both want to realize our spiritual potential. We both want unconditional love.

And yet, it feels like I'm a spectator standing off to the side of her life. I'm just this distraction she comes to every now and then before she has to go home to her husband, her child, her dog, her house.

Fuck, man.

I am a pitiful, lonely fucking human being. My blog has chronicled some of the pains I've gone through to get to where I am now. This yearning has been a constant of mine, to love another and to feel loved by them. To settle down. To learn from all the mistakes and missteps I've made so that I can come back stronger, and better equipped to deal with the challenges that relationships present.

Sex so good, that Fola stopped me in the middle of it and asked me why I was still single and where I picked up my "skills"/

It's really simple. I'm single because I haven't been able to find the right woman for me. And my "skills" has to do with my being sensitive, and eager to please.

So eager to please, that I had to slap, choke and insult her. Because she wanted me to. Because she feels some sort of guilt about the way I am around her. The things I do for her. It's like she knows she doesn't deserve any of it, and so I have to abuse her in order to balance things out.

(sighs) what a fucking joke this all is.

I don't want to do these kind of things with my wife. Fola tried to tell me that I liked doing these things, in the same way that Gyngie tried to suggest and both of them are wrong. I don't like doing these things. What I do like, is making my partner happy. And if its abuse that they want, then it is abuse that they get. But I don't enjoy any of that shit. I only enjoy it when I know that they enjoy it, and thats not a difficult thing to wrap their minds around.

Why.. God.. why. Why am I.. why do I attract such difficult women into my life? Such unfathomable women, too, like the ones who break up at the drop of a hat just when I think things are going extremely well between us?

My mother told me the same thing. "You attract so many wrong women into your life."

And I had to agree with her. I do. And maybe its because I need those women so that I can learn from each one of them.

What am I learning from Fola? That hypocrisy is something.. something that I dislike very much in another human being. And at the same time, I can't let myself get riled up whenever she contradicts herself or acts in a way that doesn't mesh with her claim of "loving" me.

I can't trust that woman. She's... She can leave at any time. Her moods change daily. Sometimes hourly. One minute she's the perfect woman, the next, she's this detached vampire that I can't help but want to get close to, in the hopes that she will turn things around.

I spent two weeks without her at one point, and she claims she cried frequently about it.

But, boy, was that ever a short memory, because I haven't seen much in the ways of gratitude for my reappearance afterwards. Yeah, I mean for the first little while I felt appreciated again, but it didn't take long for things to go back to the way they were.

I'll be honest. Fola has been trying, here and there. It's not much, but she does try. And when she does, I feel this hope of mine renewing itself and I immediately know that I have enough faith in her to last until the next time she starts taking me for granted and throws these daggers at me in all the small ways she seems oblivious about.

"Why aren't you here with me now?"

"I will have to bake you something." (never does)

"Want to meet up? ;)" and then when I suggest being interested in doing so, she claims she's tired.

Yeah.. I'm tired too. So tired of this instability. This unpredictability. This madness that Fola seems wrapped up in.

Does she want to be with me, or not? Am I wasting my time or should I be more patient? Is she sincere whenever she says she loves me, or is she only saying that because she thinks its something I need to hear?

Is she going to get divorced? Will...

I'm so tired man. I hate those questions. I hate thinking so much about all this. I never thought I'd be involved in anything like this. This.. basically a consensual affair with a married woman.

A married woman.

Her husband is fine with us going on vacation together, and us having sex.

What a fucked up world this is.

Argh.

But I know I can survive this. Just like I've survived worse things.

I am a survivor, and this is definitely a test.

At what point will I cut things loose with her? I don't know. Or even if I should. Or if I will.

But one thing I do know I have to do, is to try and be myself. To put myself first. To be unaffected by the contradictory ways Fola behaves and believes. I need to always hold onto myself, and nurture the parts that I love most.

My masculinity is under fire, and I must do all that I can to keep my shield up as each new day arrives, and new interactions with Fola has me bending this way and that. Trying to keep from snapping in half.

(sighs) I feel so ineloquent in all that I am writing here. Its deep. She and I are meant for each other, and yet..

I don't know. I wish I could see the future, but maybe its good that I can't.

This could all end in tragedy or bliss. Who the hell knows.

But I do know it will end one way or another, and I have to be patient and to have faith that I am being guided towards good things whether or not Fola is going to be by my side once they come.

I need to keep strong. Authentic. Genuine. Wise. Empathic. Patient.

All these things and more.

*sighs*

Well..

I'm still glad to have met her.

Even if...

She's...

I'm tired, man. I can't even finish this post properly.

We look so good together in pictures.

Trip was fun. Had a fight halfway through it. Came back. Gave her the best sex of her life.

And now we're both home. In our regular lives. Doing what we were doing before.

Nothing really has changed, it seems to me.

I don't know man.

I wish things would.

Tripping Over Both Feet

Well blog, I'm back to you again. Needing to air out some grievances.

So, to start things off, I had an almost two hour long conversation with Fola on Tuesday night that went extremely well. So well, that she masturbated and had an orgasm while talking to me, so yeah. Can't get much more "weller" than that.

And she decided to come over last night and it sucked.

Because now I'm back to the same mindset I was in, where I wanted to break up with her. And back then, I thought I was going to. But, I couldn't. I just couldn't. Not when I saw her again.

I owe her something. I know that inwardly and outwardly now, thanks to the tarot card reading that Boyd from Sundra Healing gave me. Yeah, fucking tarot cards.. But still.. Soulmate + Travel + Getting to Know Each Other, certainly wasn't a lucky coincidence. And the subsequent cards about my owing her a karmic debt.. Well.. I actually feel that I do, on some level.

See, when I took those two weeks away from her, in addition to the perspective I was gaining, I also..

Shit.. I don't know. But it made sense as to why Fola became irrationally angry with me three times in the week before I decided to break up. She couldn't explain it, and to me, I think something from a past life we've shared has to do with it.

I think I fucked up somewhere, and now I owe her for it.

Or maybe, it wasn't really my fault and I have to make her see that.

I don't know. But I joked with her at one point that she might be the reincarnation of Cleopatra, and I was Mark Antony. Does that shit actually make any sense? It kind of does, which makes the delusion all the more insidious. If in fact, it is a delusion.

It's funny, because whenever I affirm these statements, that she is Cleopatra; I don't feel any kind of resistance or "twinge" inside of me to suggest that it is false. It feels very true when I say it, and assuming that it is true, then it makes sense on a level for her to be angry with me. Given that (I'll assume again) Mark Antony must have made promises to Cleopatra about coming back alive from the war he was in, and was going to win; but he didn't win, and he killed himself. Suicide. As did she, when she found out.

In that context, this really makes sense. (sighs) Assuming reincarnation is real (I believe so), and assuming I was Mark (it seems true) and assuming she was Cleo; I can see where the animosity comes from. Lovers, promising each other the world, and it didn't work out. It ended in disaster, and someone has to take the blame for it. Someone has to take responsibility.

Or maybe, both of us have to. That's what it feels like to me. Why should I be carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders while she walks about unencumbered? Doesn't make sense.

So, yeah. She came over last night saying she was feeling "irritated" and "closed off". Sitting next to her on my couch, I could actually see how distanced she was. There was no warmth about her. No real... passion, or appreciation for being where she was. And more than once she had to tell me, "I shouldn't have come over tonight" (laughs)

That laugh/smile, killed me. What an insult that was.

Then as I probed her for why she was feeling this way, she could only answer that she was feeling "hate" and though it wasn't directed towards me, it was exuding from her regardless. Her feelings were controlling her and she allowed them to. Thinking it was necessary for some stupid reason or another.

What an irrational person she is. The night previous had us making a fantastic connection over the phone, and then she's apologizing (with a smile) about how she's feeling "resistance" to connecting with me tonight.

God, fucking women I tell you.

I know this isn't anything new. Most guys would have similar stories, I'm sure, but it's not hormonal I don't think. She's not due to start her period until next week.

And.. You can't say shit like that. "I shouldn't have come over" and then show up at the door all sour and unwilling to connect, because you feel "resistance". Come on! Put on a brave face and realize that you are infecting me with your negativity and are unwilling to help me ease your pain.

Some "soulmate" she is. She is so immature, so clueless sometimes that I feel this.. combination of grief, sadness, despair, longing and.. even fear, at times, thinking that I'm making a mistake by continuing to be involved with her.

I was thinking that the perfect analogy for our relationship, would be between a devil and an angel. I am the angel, the guy who grew up pure of heart and filled with romantic longings but pushed down by the world and past relationships to have to embrace/recognize the darker aspects of humanity. In Fola's case, she embraces the darker aspects. She wants violent sex, basically. She thinks its hot to watch me fuck some other girl. She's keen on sleeping with multiple different people, her being poly. She's...

I won't mince words. Fola is a bad person trying to be a good one.

And I must be a good person, trying to be a bad one.

What is good and bad, though? I believe you can separate them each into categories of "conductive" and "regressive" as far as personal "growth" goes. Both in this reality, and spiritually also.

Fola is a wolf, trying to become a lamb.

I'm a lamb, pretending to be a wolf.

But I actually think I'm more like a fox.. Anyways.. (sighs) fucking babbling now.

I have a hard time believing that this woman loves me, even though she has said it a few times by this point. The worst thing that happened last night was when she was leaving, and I told her I loved her.

"I know," she said.

And then fucking left.

No, "I love you too" in return.

Just barely fucking trying.

I should've kicked her out the second she smiled at me saying she shouldn't have came over.

"Alright, there's the door, go home." Instead, I sat there trying to play it off. Trying to figure out what was really going on with her. She watched some kind of psychic "attunement" video after our conversation on the phone, and said she had a strong physical reaction to it. I thought maybe that was the culprit.

Look, if this is how you're feeling today, irritated, annoyed and cruelly without empathy; then maybe you've been affected by that shit. Not everything online about "healing" and "Reiki" and "develop your psychic powers!" is actually going to be accurate and applicable to every person on the planet. Not everyone is on the same level, spiritually, as the persons who may be watching a particular video.

Some of them make shit up too. Unfortunately, there are a multitude of guilible persons the world over who are willing to buy into it. As P.T. Barnum once said, "there's a sucker born every minute."

The one thing I did wrong last night, was allowing her to carry on as she did. To take advantage of my sympathy and compassion and not even attempt to try and put a brave face on. To appreciate my company. To show some gratitude to the guy she claims to love, and to allow him to make her feel better. To allow him to help her. And if she doesn't want to be helped, then just allow him to love her and love him in return. Despite however the fuck you are feeling.

Because, I wanted to love her last night. I tried. But because I mentioned having a slight fever, she came in through the door and refused to give me a kiss, saying it was because of my fever.

Her memory must really be short, because I gave her more than enough fucking kisses when she had gonnerhea.

Guess I love her more than she loves me, and now I don't even fucking know if I love her.

What a messed up.... (sighs) my blood is boiling just relieving these memories of last night and now, as all kinds of crap is floating up from the bottom of the abyss, wanting to be acknowledged.

Well.. I'm not going to bother. And I don't think I'm going to bother emailing Fola about my concerns like I earlier thought I should be. Should I tell her everything I felt about last night and how she made me feel? NO. And why not? Because I've noticed that she is going to turn into a robot if I do. I already saw evidence of it last night when she brought me an apple fritter from Tim Horton's. Don't get me wrong, it was a nice thoughtful gesture and I appreciated it; but I can no longer tell if it was done out of sincerity, or because she felt like she "had" to get me one.

That's the thing. Tell someone you love getting X and when she starts giving you X, you have to wonder how real is actually is. The thing is, anyone can follow a list of instructions. But it's the improvised moments that speak of our truest selves. The times when we decide to give, because we want to give. Not because we think we should. It's the moments when we see something at thrift store that reminds us of the ones we love, and we buy it for them, not expecting anything in return.

It's the spontaneous show of getting them flowers every now and then. Not because we think we "have to".

SHOW me that you love me. Don't TELL me. Because words are meaningless unless acted upon.

And I'm not going to show you HOW to love me, either. Because if you can't figure it out, then I don't think you can ever love me. That's what love is supposed to be about. Learning about what makes your partner happy, and then giving that to them whenever they need it.

You don't fucking talk up a good game and rest on your laurels.

I've heard that from Gyngie all the time. And other girls, too. Always stuff like, "well I thought about baking you this and this, but I was all out of (ingrediant) so I didn't."

Wow. Who cares? Why even tell me that? It's the thought that counts? Not in my books. Could've/would've/should've doesn't mean a damn thing.

And.. (sighs) I'm supposed to go to Arizona with Fola next week..

And I'm in this sour mood now, that she left me with.

But, given the experiences I've gone through; I'm well aware of how I should be acting at this moment. Or rather not acting, but "being".

I need to BE myself. To stay true. To not live my life for another woman. And a married one, at that.

If I owe her a karmic debt, then I must learn to be patient and not make a big deal about this. But I will have to put my foot down whenever I see her acting this way.

Otherwise it can only get worse, if I allow her to get away with this.

And I don't want things to get any worse. I want them better. I want an awesome relationship with her. I want it to last for the rest of our lives.

I want her to love me.

I want to love her.

I want us together.

But...

I can't do it on my own.

And...

Fuck me...

I am so going down shit creek without a paddle.

Hmm.

But I've been through worse.

And I'll get through this.

I promise.

I know it.

I believe in a God. I believe in a divine plan. I believe this is the right person at the right time doing the right things for all the right reasons. Even if I can't see what those reasons are at the moment.

I can see an opportunity, though.

I can see myself taking the high road.

And not allow her to affect me.

Brush it all off.

Smile.

Be a man.

And walk forward with my head held high.

Plenty of other bitches in the sea.

She's just one fish of many.

And I'm prepared to live my life without her, if need be.

So...

She has more to lose than I do.

I've gone through hell enough times already.

Don't need to go there again.

I've learned everything I've needed to learn.

Now I must use it.

A long time ago

Wow, what a rollercoaster. What a ride.

So many things have happened in the past while, that I can't possibly do them all justice in this one post, so I won't even try.

Most if it is Fola related, some of it is this new business I'm starting, another has to do with our trip to Arizona.

Busy, busy, busy, I tell you.

Life is good. Praise Allah, or God, or whomever. I'm still in one piece. I'm still blessed and fortunate to have both feet planted on the ground of this earth.

She loves me. That much I know. More so than with anyone else before, and it's a great feeling. Again, I'm so lucky. But I know better than to give in and let go of my hesitation and caution. I still need to be careful. Mindful of who I am and where I've come. It's been a long, painful journey and it continues to be a journey. I am not where I need to be just yet.

But I will be. If things keep up the way they are, I will definitely be.

I feel bad somewhat for not updating this blog much. I miss putting my personal thoughts down knowing that nobody else is reading this. It's supremely helpful. And I like looking back at old entries to take note of how much things have changed.

Everything with Fola is going well, so far. I met her friend Ryan, and he seems to really like me. As I do him. Going to meet Lenore, another friend of Fola in a few days here. Hopefully that'll go well, too.

Now that I am approaching the kind of life I've wanted, I know that I have to continue to earn it. To be deserving. To put in the effort as a show of gratitude to the powers that have enabled all this to happen. Complacency is a demon I continue to do battle with, but it has lost more times than it has won. And that to me, is progress of a welcome sort.

Life is such a curious and beautiful thing. Although I have spent a large chunk of my life living in despair and fear of it; I no longer really do. I've learned to embrace all it has to offer, even when it hurts, because pain is an aspect of life. Giving into it, or ignoring it isn't going to make it go away or make it hurt any less. The real challenge is to never feel comfortable with a lower standard of living. Always keep your expectations high. Always demand the very best, even when the chips are down.

Especially, so.

Gyngie and I have somewhat parted ways, and I'm glad to have removed myself from her influence somewhat. She's... grown complacent. To the point where it doesn't look like she will find reason enough to pull herself up and go onto bigger and better things. I guess some people will never change, no matter how much I try to help them to. Encouragement has never worked. Belittling her has never worked. Tempting and bargaining with her hasn't worked. Compassion hasn't worked either. So I tried a full on assault of the truth, and that hasn't worked either.

Some people will never change. Some people just don't want to change, even when their lives absolutely suck, no matter how good the advice they get. You can't change someone who refuses to. You can't mold anyone against their will.

Tough lesson for me to learn, and even tougher to walk away from Gyngie. I just don't want any more bullshit or stress or worry in my life. And that extends to the people I care about. Sometimes they need to be alone in order to find reason enough to change. And oftentimes, that won't help either. At least not enough for them to really want to turn things around.

Some people are comfortable living at the bottom. It's the only way they know. And I can't respect that. I told Gyngie just that.

Well, back to life I go. I've got stuff to do.

I miss you, my blog.

See you soon.

I hope.