Cope

It's all falling apart.

Saw this happening years ago and I am constantly living in the fantasy world of "what if" thinking about where I would be now had things gone right for me.

Its a slow collapse. The inevitable result is not good. Intuitively I deeply felt this was coming because once I saw the government response to covid and learned about what it was, I thought there was no saving this system. The old world is gone. Good music is no longer produced or appreciated. Movies and television shows are propaganda vehicles and the ads on TV/Social media/YouTube are disturbing for me to have to watch/listen to. That fakeness to them. Those smiling people of diversity selling products that most of us never need. Pretending that there's a future to be optimistic about. Not wanting to address the seriousness of what is going on. Can't imagine how they would when companies want to sell certain products but, there it is.

I don't want to sound like a broken record like I usually do. My mind and spirit and body feels exhausted. This is what I most wanted to avoid those four years ago once I clued into what was going on. Knowing that we were moving towards a dystopian future that "conspiracy theorists" have been talking about for decades but few of us actually believing their warnings.

I think about the book I halfway finished in 2011. The way I had predicted so many of the things that were to happen. I got the virus part, Neurallink, totalitarianism, censorship, suppression of religious expression and the banning of Bibles which may be soon to occur, magical technologies that will be introduced to people once they are fully surveilled and kept under lock and key in "smart cities" of which I also predicted. Predicted a fake UFO invasion that is created by the gov't to stoke fear into the population so that they would have control. Predicted children would be raised by the state (hasn't yet happened). Predicted that psychopaths will rule the world (has happened). 

And I feel remorseful about not being able to finish that book and publishing it in the years since. So many distractions, so many self-doubts about how good it really was and not really believing that people would pay to read a book like this. Not thinking anyone cared about novels in an age where everything is free.

And maybe that wasn't the point. Maybe I should've given it my very best despite how hard it was at times. Even if I made zero dollars from it. If it is read by a handful of people, at the very least those people would have the predictions I made in their heads and maybe my book could've helped prepare them for what started to happen in 2020.

In the book I predicted the fake alien invasion around the year 2024-2025. Who knows if it'll happen or not but it would be a galvanizing event for sure. Guaranteed lockdowns and price controls and universal basic income and whatever other draconian measures are sure to be taken as a reaction to the fear it would cause.

Forget a virus, fear those UFOs in the sky that the gov't cannot explain. Perhaps they will blame the wildfires of Maui, Chile, Canada and Texas on "alien" technology that they couldn't reveal to the public due to how sensitive of a situation it was. Although in truth, it was all done and carried out by humans hostile to the West.

And what hurts me the most is knowing all this was coming while not being prepared. Not in a safe place. On a sinking ship with no life raft or preserver in sight despite coming so close to realizing my goal of financial freedom by mere minutes as I couldn't sell my stocks in time when I wanted to.

I'm tired of all this God. Spiritual warfare is absolutely what is going on here. I know... I at least wrote about it early in 2020 and warned some people on Medium, which is good. Perhaps it made some kind of difference to them and altered the trajectory of their lives in a meaningful way.

I just want to do more than sit here with my mother experiencing groundhog's day over and over with no money, no passport and no options of leaving or living anywhere else.

Trapped. 

I want to be on the frontlines of this. Armed with my weapon of truth, belief in the Creator as my armor. I know a spiritual war is not fought physically, it's fought differently. It's fought by nurturing our connection to a higher and greater intelligence. To take our marching orders from it. To place ourselves in an environment that minimizes the inevitable shock that is soon to come, surrounded by people of like-mind.

Instead, I'm with a woman who sees nothing wrong going on. Who gives me the "look" whenever I bring up stuff like chemtrails or GMOs/chemicals in our food or tell her about how birth control drugs and other contaminants are in our tap water that we aren't filtering out.

I can't tell her anything. Even if she believed every word I said, there's not much we can do with the limited money she has.

And my mind keeps going back to when I had my own place. All the things I would've done differently. I spent hours in bed last night fantasizing about the alternate reality that could have happened if everything played out the way I wanted it to.

I think about an alternate reality with Karlee. With my former friends Justin and Seth collaborating on moving out of the country. I think about renting out my place and having income. I think about all the things I would do in Vilcabamba and how my morning, afternoon and nights would go.

I think about all those opportunities. I think about time travelling back to 2020 knowing what I know now and making all the right choices on the stock market which would have gotten me close to a million dollars. I'd have not bought a generator for my home or any of all the other "bug out" supplies and preps that I spent thousands of dollars on. I would've been getting rid of things, planning my move out of the country, not looking back.

And starting on a profound spiritual adventure in a place without cold or snow and filled with great people and new things to see and do.

It's about the only thoughts I have in my mind that brings a brief sense of joy and excitement to this exhausted corpse I am temporarily animating.

Today I was listening the usual podcasts and videos. Anything conspiracy related or commentary on our situation mimics my own opinion. I am rarely learning anything new and today was no exception. Listened to Mike Adams on the Health Ranger and his opinion on Trump and the potential problems he will cause once he returns to office mirrors my own analysis. I foresee Pierre Pouliverre behaving the same way. I imagine that Trudeau will be removed or step down from power in 2025. The old guard will be replaced by a new flavour of tyranny and control.

So tired of all this God. Sitting here helplessly trapped in this place. Questioning my entire life and how where it once felt that I was divinely guided has led me into this living hell.

Questioning my faith in you. Wondering if it was misplaced. Maybe I should've been praying to myself instead of an external authority. Sending my valuable attention and energy to places where they do not belong. The same mistake I made with my relationships with people who abused what I've given them.

I need reciprocity right now God. 

Whoever and whatever you are. Wherever you might be.

For the true creator of this realm has the greatest amount of control over it. This includes the ability to create miracles.

And I could sure use one of those right now.

I'm suffering again from some kind of bacterial infection. My face is dry and itchy and so is my scalp. Two months ago I had to go to the emergency room to get the swelling from between my butt drained out, as gross as that sounds. Now I might have to do it again because I'm feeling the same symptoms. Fever coming on and pain between my legs. Itchiness, tiredness.

I don't want to do it again. I waited more than 6 hours in the emergency room the last time.

And who is to say it is not going to return in another 2 months?

The doctor didn't know what it was other than to say it was an infection. Prescribed antibiotics. 

I'm so tired of all this God.

So tired.

I ask for deliverance and renewal. I ask for an acknowledgement of my faith in you.

All those years in my blog I've mentioned how I prayed. How pathetic it is to think I might have wasted my time when I should have been working on believing more in myself.

At least I took chances with the stock market. Figured that was the only path I could take to get out of this place and I felt divinely guided. I was so careful until the very last minute.

Wish I could've crossed the finish line with a smile. My life would've been so different. I know I would've kept my faith in God and worked at developing an even closer connection between us.

Still remember how much gratitude I expressed when I saw the amount in my stock portfolio that day. Minutes before the stock market closed. 200k. I planned for 215k but thought not to get greedy.

Thanked God regardless.

And here I am now. Naked without a shield on the frontlines of this battle taking place. No allies. No resources. 

Just left to rot until the inevitable takes me. 

That is what my faith in God has produced for me. 

Yes, there is a higher power and a goodness out there.

But...

I guess it doesn't love me.

I believe it used to.

But I don't think it does anymore.

I'm so tired. 

Someone won the lottery in Edmonton on Saturday and I was briefly excited until I checked my ticket.

It wasn't me.

But imagine how good $5,000,000 would be right now. I already figured out what I would do with that amount.

1 million for my family. Get my cousin Jessie and Mark homes of their own. Some money for my mother, perhaps $400,000 which she can do whatever she wants with,

1 million for myself. Buy a home and property in Ecuador. Set up a self-sufficient homestead with solar and spring water nearby. Money left over to be invested in crypto and placed in areas where I think it will be safe. Such as some in an Ecuador bank where they pay a guaranteed 8% interest annually on a locked in deposit.

3 million will be left for the community. I might be able to build a movie theatre in that town. I could start a crypto bank. I know I can do other things that will be valuable to both the expats and locals.

And.. it's not the money that is important. It's me being independent again. Autonomous. Able to select and cook my own food. Make my own decisions. Wake up early to go outside and see the sun rise and enjoying a drink while it sets. Practicing Taiichi, learning how to make pottery, learning about homesteading and plants and identifying ways I could help the community.

Maybe get back to writing again. Write a different kind of novel. Something that inspires and uplifts. Something that gives people hope for the future.

Because these are such dark times right now.

Homelessness. Poverty. Crime. Corruption.

People suddenly dying. Increases in cancer. Stress.

I know there are millions of people who are deserving of a better life. A better civilization.

I want to do my part in this war.

But I need help.

Lord God, Jesus Christ, Holy Mother and Spirit.

David, my higher-self.

I call out to you asking for a miracle.

I will do everything in my power to prove myself worthy of one.

There is no better story to be told than one who had everything, lost it all and gained it back again.

I would like to be Job at the end of his sufferings.

I want to rise up against the madness and be the warrior that I know I can be.

Is anyone out there listening?

This is not my soul purpose.

It wasn't meant to be like this.

Ennui

There is nothing good about this place I'm living in. Not one thing. If I sit in the living room I get to hear the pounding of footsteps from next door and get interrupted by my mother. If I sit in the basement, I have to listen to the water pipes constantly making sounds as the neighbor turns on the sink for what looks like every 10 minutes even at 2am. I also have to listen to the odd sound coming from the heater as it turns on and makes a spiral noise before it starts.

Staying in my room is a bit better, except for the occasional loud exaggerated yawn my mother often makes along with clearing her throat.

Getting outside of the house and sitting in the car in -20C in a dark park still isn't private. Cars with headlights shine into me as they random drive around. I still get people parking right next to my vehicle despite there being dozens of other parking spots to choose from.

Sitting across from Tim Hortons using their wifi and watching the homeless keep themselves warm has already broken and numbed my heart.

Dark gloomy skies. Can't walk around. Can't get exposure to the sun because I stay up late each night so I can get the most amount of peace and quiet.

No wonder I keep staring at my phone through all this. Just want to drown all the sounds out. Drown the environment. Ignore the reality that I'm in.

And it's not getting me anywhere. The next day is the same. Same issues. No peace, no privacy, no autonomy, no nothing.

At the park I prayed again and it was hard to summon anything heartfelt. I mean, I did feel a choking sob that wanted to escape my throat but it passed about as quickly as it started. I asked God when I would ever get a prayer granted because I only really remember one thing I've prayed for that I've received in my life. 

I thought about how it was when I wanted my first girlfriend. I didn't even really pray, I created and performed a ritual that I did each day for four days until it happened. It involved carving the word "love" into my arm and... while I received a girlfriend, I certainly didn't experience any love with her.

So what's the point of all this? Tomorrow is going to be like today. I'm not living to my fullest potential. I can't chase my dreams. I'm not able to find time enough for myself to sit and really think and feel and let the divine energies pass through. 

One of the things I most liked in my old place was being able to take a bath in the dark. Just have some music playing, sometimes a candle, bath salts and just lay back and be alone with my thoughts. Set my imagination free without interruptions.

Even if I could do that here and I can, it's the only bathroom upstairs. I have to ask "permission" from my mother to take an hour long bath and even then its just not the same. The energies are all wrong. Water isn't hot enough to stay in there for an hour. No incense, no salts and I don't want my mother to be knowing that I'm there in the dark sitting in a tub. It just feels weird.

Constantly searching my phone for the latest dopamine hit and there does come a few times when there's really nothing there for me. I don't have a good video or podcast to listen to. I don't learn anything or add to my skills. And when I play backgammon on the hardest level, I'm winning most of the time so there's no challenge there either and that gets old after awhile too.

It's all pointless. I know where I must be, what to do and I'm so far away from realizing any of it. 

As I said in earlier posts, I'm inside the prison of my body, my mind, in this prison of a townhouse, in this cell called Edmonton placed inside of a communist country named Canada that I desperately want to leave and never see again,

Why do people choose to live in an environment where they could physically die from cold exposure for at least four months out of the year? 

Why do people choose to live in a place that is losing it's cultural identity, that has little to offer outside of hockey, Tim Hortons and "free" health care?

We used to be proud to call ourselves Canadian. It meant something 20 years ago. Canadians were a nicer version of Americans. Polite, cordial, in touch with themselves.

Now with all this immigration, I see a Muslim identity emerging. It has infiltrated even the local pizza place as they now offer curry on pizza and paneer.

Again, I don't blame the people, I blame the government that has subsidized them for coming here.

Same problems the Americans are having.

I have listened to enough podcasts and watched enough videos that I'm aware of every aspect of this agenda that is unfolding which I tried my best to escape from and failed.

And that makes it so hard to know that I was trying to escape a burning building but now I am trapped inside of it with the crazies who seem to think that nothing is wrong. Gosh, more taxes? More inflation? Rents going up? Censorship with life-term sentences for "hate" speech? Guess that's all normal! I'm going to vote Trudeau because he helped pay for everything I have now as I arrived from India. So much more than what we were getting there.

It breaks my heart.

And I'm at the point where it feels well and truly broken.

It doesn't seem to matter who I pray to or how. As I was sitting in my car earlier, I thought about taking a knife out and carving into my arm to see if that would get any attention from the "powers" that be.

And I thought against it. It may have worked once with my first girlfriend but I don't want anything demonic to come knocking on my door.

I just want to help people and help myself by getting out of here.

Be with people who are of like-mind and I know exactly where they are. 

I want to be with my tribe. I want to be in an environment where I can sit outside any night and not have to shiver in the cold and shovel snow.

I want to be able to walk barefoot in the morning and sit in the grass as I watch the sun rise.

I want to make people smile like I used to. It was so easy to do so. Now I can only smile out of politeness. 

It's not that I'm completely dead inside. I know it's dormant. I know its all suppressed. I loved who I am and I know that love can return once I'm out of this situation.

But God knows how can I ever get out of it.

And I don't want to see God as a magic genie who grants wishes. I don't want to bargain either but I do pray by telling Him exactly what I want to do should I receive his blessing.

I used to feel blessed, too. There was something around me that seemed to protect me from certain things.

But I was lead into temptation. I was not delivered from evil.

I tried multiple times to leave my ex. I knew she was wrong for me. I knew she was after whatever appealing energies I can around me when we met. I knew multiple times that she was jealous of it. 

And each time she would somehow come back with a tail between her legs and I would give her another chance. I should've never extended all those chances to her. No wonder her Shaman teacher told me that I was "very forgiving" and made me think that it was a bad thing.

I guess a snake is a snake no matter how nice it is when it wants to be because most of the time it operates from its true nature. The mask inevitably slips.

Looking back at my life I realized that yes, I was too forgiving. I didn't hold myself in high enough esteem to be able to honestly say "this woman isn't right for me" and move on instead of going with those relationships. I just didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. That's how I justified going out on those dates with women that I didn't find attractive or helped improve my life in anyway other than sex and companionship.

I wish I didn't learn the hard lessons like this. I wish those stocks would've been sold when I knew when I sell them. Wish I was pushed to selling them harder than I was back then but some switch in my mind got flipped and I held on against my better judgement.

Ultimately it's my fault. I know this. 

And I've repented from these sins of mine which I suppose doesn't mean much at this point. I can't go out into the world and prove myself a changed man. 

Yes, Karlee came here from Australia to see me and I couldn't say no despite knowing that a relationship between us is unlikely. I guess I didn't see the harm in having a fling. It might have been worse if we did fall for each other deeply after that and suffer the pain of separation and my not being able to afford to be able to go see or live with her.

It's all such a hot mess. This world is a reflection of my soul. Everything seems to be falling apart. I've listened to preppers talk about getting ready for over 3 years now for some big event soon to happen. Financial collapse, increased crime, quarantine camps over some new "virus" that will be released.

So much fear in the world right now. Had I done everything right, I wouldn't be paying attention to the news so much. I'd be in Ecuador learning about the plant life, meeting new people, picking up new skills. Exploring.

Going for walks on the trails. Joining a photography club and hanging out with wise old seniors from different regions around the world.

All I have now are those videos Abundant Living Ecuador has been putting out. Just showing me the dream of being there. Making me dream about the opportunities waiting to be realized.

But that's all its been so far. A dream. No different than dreaming to be with Karlee. No different than any other dream I've had in the past that didn't come true.

If I were to die tomorrow it would be something of a relief. I might worry about leaving my mother behind and Princess but... at least I wouldn't have to deal with this anymore. This sameness. This lack of soul growth and progression.

Every day is exactly the same.

I keep the faintest of hopes alive and its hard to do at times. Winning the lottery is something that would change my life and give me so many options. I'd first know that my prayers were answered, I'd know that there is a benevolent loving force out there, I'd know what my purpose is and that I can help my family while I make preparations to help a community that I have grown fond of hearing about in Ecuador.

I'd love to construct a movie theatre for that town. We'd have "truther Tuesdays" as a movie night where documentaries are aired. Saturday morning cartoons for the kids. All the best retro movies I've gathered and curated over the decades of my life. I don't think this theatre would show any new films. It'll be the classics. It'll be stuff that expands the mind and heart and gives fuel to imagination and inspiration.

Not the garbage we have out now. Superhero films. Leave The World Behind.

Haven't heard of a good movie in years. That's because Hollywood is dead and uninspired. 

I'd like to fix that. A movie theatre in Vilcabamba is something that would bring people together. Expats and locals alike. I may even have MAME arcade machines in the lobby for the kids to enjoy playing. Popcorn, hot dogs, sweets. The theatre could even be used for local stage performers. Dancing, acting or giving lectures/speeches on.

I'd organize other things as I spot their need while there. Having a crypto bank might be a good idea. Buying up a large plot of land and constructing small simple homes on them to start an intentional community that is affordable to live on. Artists and homesteaders welcomed.

Perhaps organize a private security team to patrol vulnerable areas at night and charge a reasonable fee for. That would help in addressing the issue of crime in the area.

Organize a community pantry that is available to the homeless and those that are struggling.

So many possibilities. I know I have the creativity needed to come up with these ideas.

Just need the money.

Need my passport. Need residency. Need monthly income of 500$ USD.

And my mind keeps flashing back to the fork in the road that I didn't take. Knowing that I could've rented out my place and qualified for residency based on that. 

It hurts thinking about what I could've done differently but it feels satisfying to do at times.

I would've loved see the street dogs in Vilcabamba. Picking fruit off the trees. Enjoying clean air, water and food.

But here I am, living with my mother in this... purgatory. Mocked by the foods in the basement that I had stocked up in my old place. Now having no appetite for any of them whatsoever.

All those teas I bought. Jumbo jars of peanut butter. A giant container of Nutella. Canned soups and spices and all kinds of stuff.

What a waste of time it all was. If I knew early on where I would want to live, I wouldn't have been so impulsive about buying everything that I did. I would've downsized and gave away things in preparation for my move. Not pile up a stash.

But the fear was real back then. There was so much chaos being reported in the news that it was hard to keep up with. It felt like any day that the banks would collapse and the country would be in free fall.

Now I feel like an idiot. 

I loved my connection with the Creator. I felt... so satisfied being alone with my thoughts. Not having to look at my phone. Feeling like I had my finger on the pulse of what was going on.

I felt divinely guided at first. Bought the right stocks, the right cryptos and seemed to be making all the right moves.

Until it collapsed.

No one to blame but myself although I do wonder.

There are evil spirits out there. There are demons among us. Sometimes they enter and influence us in ways we don't expect or have prepared against.

If I could go back in time to 2020 I would. I'd relive that nightmare again with a clear path and goal for myself. It also would help to know when to buy/sell stocks and crypto at the bottom and tops but I digress.

I want to survive all this. At the same time, I can't survive like this.

I want to both die and live, if that makes any sense.

I want to live if I receive my blessing and die if I don't.

But how long can I hold out for?

When will the point of no return reveal itself?

I thought about... euthanasia again... I know it's... legal and there are two methods. One, is to die in a hospital which I don't want to do. The other, is to have a home-death and for that I think I would go for. I'm assuming it would have be pre-planned. I don't want to do it with my mother present. I would want to drive out to the middle of nowhere, sit under a tree and enjoy a full day and night all by myself.

And then as I get sleepy. I'd... say a prayer, express my thanks and prepare myself so that I will go with peace in my heart.

...

I can't believe this is even being considered.

But it is.

I just want out of here.

I'll do anything.

My life is no longer my own.

It belongs to God.

If He should want to use me.

I pray that he does.

It's all the hope I have left.

I don't know how much longer I can keep holding on for.

Help me Father.

Help me.

Complaining About Complaining

I don't mean to keep doing this but every day is exactly the same. 

Stuck inside with my mother, sitting on the same couch, looking at my phone all day and this winter keeps dragging on with -20C temperatures.

Which doesn't matter anyways, even if it was +20C and I wanted to be outside I would have to endure all the noise from the neighbors across from me. People talking loudly on their balcony, others smoking weed and coughing loudly and their eyes staring down at me the entire time.

There's nothing left for me here in this city. This country. I keep thinking about Ecuador, the things I would be able to see and do. The people I would meet. Business ideas I could implement. 

Yesterday I thought a lot about what would happen if I had money enough to be there right now. I realized that I have a lot of skills to offer a community like Vilcabamba. I couldn't sleep last night and stayed up until 7am laying in bed thinking about what sort of business I would have.

It would be called "Raizok's Digital and Wellness Services" and I could offer all sorts of ways that would benefit people.

Computer diagnostic and repair issues (PC). Linux installation and tutoring. PC privacy optimization. I could sell USB sticks with different types of media on it such as books on survival, non-fiction novels, religion & spirituality, conspiracies, movies and videos. I thought of at least 6 different USB sticks I could make and how much they would cost ($20 USD + 50% off if stick or drive is provided).

I could offer Reiki, peer support/counselling, teach a class on using crypto currencies, teach an advanced class on how to properly protect and store crypto including Monero, hot/cold/paper wallets, VPNs, etc.

Homesitting and wellness checks.

I would have all these multiple services and products available and in the meantime I could scour for other opportunities to add value to the community. I could even sell crypto to people. Promote it enough throughout that expat farmers and homesteaders may consider using crypto and privacy coins. 

I really thought about a lot of details. So many opportunities in a place like Vilcabamba. Not like it is here. Even a crypto ATM would probably do well. 

And here I am, broke, stuck here with my mother and our cat. Day in and day out, no change, no reason for existing. No dreams to actively pursue.

All I have is that one hope. Yesterday I prayed as hard and as honestly as I could for the opportunity to be able to live in Ecuador. Anyplace but Canada. No more cold, no more snow.

And I love a rainy night that is warm where one could stand outside in a tshirt and let the water soak you to the skin.

I love the idea that there is no daylight savings time and that the sun rises and sets each day on a regular schedule. What a relief that would be on one's biorhythm that is distorted by dark winter nights where the sun isn't out long enough.

Just really tired of all this. I know I can't make it through another winter living this way. I just can't.

I won't.

And as I look at the western world falling apart around me, I just... want to be somewhere where I can cultivate the deep connection to God I once had. Before everything went sideways. A place where water is fluoride-free, where food is not genetically modified, where prices are still reasonable and the air is clean.

A place where sloths exists. The ocean hours away. Psychedelic mushrooms and cactuses growing in the wild. A community of freedom-minded truth-seekers who have renounced the pace and commitments of the western world.

I want to see weird looking insects and plants. Get immersed in the culture. Learn Spanish.

And I came so close to having it all. Just that one day if I had sold those stocks when I knew I was going to but for some reason didn't.

Although I didn't know at the time where the heck I would go. I thought about Nicaragua but... had I sold those stocks and paid off my debts, I would've travelled to Mexico and met Jeff Berwick at Anarchapulco. Maybe the idea of Ecuador would've came to my attention around then. 

Lord knows I've only wanted the best for myself. To put myself into a good financial position because I didn't want to live and work in a country like this. Having to be vaccinated, competing for work with all the immigration Canada is letting in, not enjoying my old career and being at the mercy of deranged politicians that are causing inflation and all kinds of crazy policies to enter our everyday life.

More taxes. 15 minute cities. Unaffordable housing. Crime and homelessness increasing.

And for what? To be able to live in a country that only has two seasons? Summer and winter? Being stuck inside for almost half the year and needing to drive around in the dark on icy roads?

In a culture that values materialism? Get rich or die trying? A country that cares more about subsidizing immigrants than taking care of their own people?

I know why the immigration is happening. I know why there are so few white people in commercials these days. I know about the DEI policies. I know about the racism against white people when it comes to applying for jobs and I certainly have seen the job postings that specifically only want to hire "minorities" or "persons of color" than to care about how qualified one is.

Why do I want to live in a place like this? Why would anyone?

The Canada I knew from 20 years ago is dead. It's gone. There is nothing worth staying here for.

Not even family.

Family that didn't care about family, anyways. We aren't celebrating birthdays or visiting each other's houses like we used to. Going out for dinner together. Staying close-knit.

Everything has been destroyed. If my mother was to die tomorrow, I literally have no family left.

Other than my aunt and uncle in Kelowna who are the only two left that I feel comfortable enough sharing my concerns with. Everyone else seems blind and oblivious. Got the jab, thinks everything is hunky dory. Life goes on as normal for them. Must be nice.

I've run my course. I can't go another winter like this and I refuse to get a job in this city or this country. There is no point to becoming a wage slave of a communist state. I refuse to chase a dangled carrot in front of me and struggle to put a roof over my head and food on the table and gas in my vehicle because all of our prices have been intentionally inflated to make us more reliant upon a crumbling system.

It used to be that having free health care was a good benefit to being a Canadian citizen. Now you have to wait 8 hours just to be seen unless you have a bullet wound in your head in which case, it might take an hour at most.

Ridiculous.

I love nature but I can't enjoy it for most of the year. Rundle park had 100s of East Indians swarming the place on Canada day blasting Bollywood music. Jasper is overrun with Chinese and immigrant tourists. I had a hard time spotting any white people at Elk Island National Park the last time I went.

Not that I think its the immigrants fault, its not. It's our corrupted government who let them in that is at fault. Bringing in hundreds of thousands each year with no qualifications and propping them up with free money, our money, while legacy Canadians are shivering outside in the cold homeless and unable to pull themselves out of the troubles they are in.

My mother still has an outdated view on homelessness. She thinks they're all drunks and drug addicts. I got a bit upset at that because maybe this was the case 20 years but it isn't now. I talk to the homeless, I know none of them are on drugs or even have money enough to become an alcoholic. However, those that do become drug/alcohol addicts often do so because it is the only way to numb the pain that they feel. It's the worst kind of negative feedback loop there is.

Not like a job is going to magically pop up for them and suddenly they can afford to rent a one bedroom apartment with bad or no credit. A minimum wage job just isn't enough to provide the basic necessities of life for anyone in this country.

Even buying a used car is prohibitedly expensive. 10 grand for a clunker with 250,000km on it?

We're done as a country. We're heading towards a communist socialist dystopia where we will be given universal basic income in exchange for not being able to privately own property and as long as we comply with government directives. Including vaccinations, which will soon legally can be forced upon people as per the WHO treaty that is in the process of being finalized.

Few people know about New York where a similar policy has already been implemented. They can literally take your children away from you, not disclose their whereabouts, inject them with any kind of substance regardless of its efficacy all on a simple declaration that they are a public health risk.

I pray each day but my heart and spirit is weary. Where is God when I need him most? Why do so many of my posts have that... same story of praying for something that I need and want? That never get answered?

When has something good ever came from prayer for me?

Only maybe one time. When I found that sign on the bench where it said that someone was watching me. That is it as far as I can recall.

Never did get the right type of lady to be with me.

Couldn't figure out my life's purpose other than to write for a living which I couldn't do anyways because nobody reads books anymore.

Soon artificial intelligence will write our books and even design our movies and video games for us based on our preferences.

"Hey ChatGPT, make me a 30 minute short-film set in the year 2072 where Earth is over-taken by aliens and the remnants of humanity takes a last stand against them. Cast me as the main character and include a 26 year old Angelina Jolie love-interest in the plot."

Because that is coming.

Humanity is going to die. The spirit of humanity, I mean. Our hearts, our creativity... we can't develop those qualities in such a social system where men can compete against women in sports and ugly women are winning Miss Universe beauty pageants.

I know this is a demoralization campaign but when will it stop? Where is the end? When Trump gets in? When the pendulum swings to the hard-right and mass deportations happen? It's all part of the plan anyways. Just a different flavor of tyranny and oppression.

This is a spiritual battle. Man vs machine and... I am naked on the battlefield without any armor or weapons to fight with.

I need to be in Ecuador. I need to renew my spirit. To cultivate the light that I know has always been with me. To be a candle onto others. To tell them my story and how God brought me back from the abyss to give me a second chance.

I now know what it is I must do. Where to be. 

I must leave this place. Either by plane or inside of a casket.

I can't do another winter like this. I refuse. 

I refuse to struggle. Pay taxes. Be like everyone else pretending that this life is normal, it is anything but normal.

I want to be on the frontlines of this spiritual battle. I want to endure onto the end. I want to see this all play out safely by being in a warm beautiful location and having financial security enough to take a deep breath and rejuvenate my soul. 

I understand now what I most want to do. I don't care about money, I care about the options money gives me. To pack up and leave, get on a flight, see the people I need to see, go to the places I need to go to.

I miss that freedom. Now I have a clunker of a car with an engine light that is constantly on which drives like a tank. I can't even buy gas without asking my mother for money.

I know she loves this. On this deep dark level she loves what I am going through. This is why she smiled and wanted to hug me when I announced bankruptcy. This is why she was excited when I had to sell my house. This is why she seems to be happier having me with her than it was when I was in my own place.

It's so messed up.

I fantasize a lot about that fork in the road I missed taking. Still have my own place, would've been able to host Karlee here, would've been able to drive to the Yukon and explore it with her, would've been able to rent this place out so I could qualify for temporary residency in Ecuador by proving monthly income.

Now I can't.

Don't even have my passports anymore.

And I think about that too. What was it that came to possess me in those days to take both of my passports with me on a road trip when I didn't even need them? And then have them either lost or stolen? How did the police recover my missing wallet when I last had it inside of a hotel room unless that kid I saw running out from the room had stolen it? 

I was targeted. Somehow I was being watched. I've tested this multiple times and it seems true.

I don't know how I aroused their suspicions. Did my best to keep a low profile. The only thing I can think of is that in those times I could really feel myself open up spiritually. I felt very connected and sure of what to do. I don't think the system wants people like me in it. Disruptive, unpredictable, awake to what is going on and taking steps to leave to go someplace else.

Everything is electromagnetic. Everything is energy. I believe the energy that drew attention to me is the same energy that my ex Fola was drawn towards. I attracted these dark entities. They could see the peace and contentment I had gathered within myself and the trajectory my level of spiritual development was taking.

Maybe it was that. Maybe those energies I gave off set off an alarm someplace.

Or maybe I foolishly gave into fear and paranoia rather than to stand firm and assert my sovereignty.

I am aware of those that wanted to keep me held back. They include members of my own family.

People that just do not like me. Despite being of my blood.

No matter how kind and caring I am about them. My intentions seem to often get misread and misunderstood.

I just want to bring out the best in people. I love sharing knowledge with them. Hearing about their lives. Suggesting movies and music they would like. Places to visit. Things to cook. Ideas about how they can improve their surroundings and become happier with themselves.

I know my ego was attached to those desires, it no longer is. I don't care about getting credit or congratulations for anything I suggest and do for others.

I just want to do these things.

It's in my nature.

But, I first need to help myself and I don't know how.

Getting a job in this city is out of the question. Don't have money enough to travel to Ecuador and don't have a monthly income that qualifies me to enter the country.

Remote work? Doing what though? So much garbage is posted in job banks that I don't think I'd even get a decent job working remotely. That's the dream of a lot of people and I don't have credentials or education necessary enough to qualify for something that pays a living wage.

And I don't want to be a wage slave either. I'm done with it. 20+ years of busting my hump working outside in all kinds of bad weather and dirty/unhealthy/noisy conditions. I'll never forget the men in their 70s and 80s who I would sometimes work with on these physically demanding jobs. Being away from home and working those long 11 day shifts or 24s like we used to.

Only for some of them to die alone in a work camp by Fort McMurray.

That's not living.

Being a slave to the system.

I'm done with it. DONE.

Pray to God that assistance is forthcoming because I see no other way. 

Perhaps I've learned all that I needed in this life. That most of humanity are asleep. That we exist in what looks like a prison or a farm.

And that we don't belong here.

But maybe... just maybe... I am here to fight against this. To stand and to help others to do so.

But I need to be with my community to do that. Not this city where everyone is "woke", materialistic and haven't a clue what the government is doing or where this is all headed. 

I need to be with my tribe. I cannot do this alone.

God, I call out to you once more.

Heavenly Father, Cosmic Creator, Supreme Intelligence, Maker and Master of the Universes,
Holy Mother, Spirit, Soul and Spark,
Yeshua the son, the Christ, the Messiah, the Savior, the Redeemer.
Welcome to my prayer.

I pray once more for a path out of this situation. I confess to you that I only know of one way forward and that I am asking this as my lone request. My only wish.

I am worthy and I am deserving. Allow me to prove myself.

All those years of prayer... It is time for you to do something. To reciprocate. 

I believe I have learned my lessons. There is darkness in this world. Money is powerful and should not be taken for granted like I once did. It is the means of survival, for change, for options in this world.

It is not meant for extravagances. 

I believe those lessons, if that is what they are, will suit me well to carrying out the divine will.

To honor Truth, beauty, compassion, prosperity, justice and freedom.

To exemplify those qualities and share them with those around me who wish to embody the same.

God, Jesus, Azura Mazda... Goddess Sophia...

I call out to you.

These words will find their way to your ears.

I respectfully ask for this last request to be granted.

My only wish.

The only thing that seems to be able to save me.

Winning a lotto-649 jackpot in the millions of dollars.

Even a million would be good enough.

But with millions I can achieve much more.

In Vilcabamba I will set up and prepare a resistance. A consortium. I will strengthen the community that is there. I will give strength and shelter to those that are in need.

I am equipped for this work. I am excited to get started.

HEAR ME.

My life is no longer my own.

Should this request be granted, it will be yours.

Grant me the chance to make you proud. To make the positive changes I know I can accomplish.

Harbor me with those of like mind. 

Deepen my pockets with wealth so that I may liberate myself.

And assist in the liberation of others.

To develop a proper society that reflects the highest of values.

I badly want to be a part of this.

Do not let my life be in vain.

For my mistakes have been acknowledged.

I will do my best not to repeat them.

I haven't asked for much in life.

And I've never asked for money.

But I am now asking for this.

A winning lottery jackpot ticket.

And I promise us all an adventure we will never forget.

I am worth investing in.

Consider me.

Amen.

And thank you.

Come create with me the more beautiful world our hearts know is possible.

I will not let you down.

Gracias mi hermano.

Gracias mi dios.

I await your response.