Standstill

Ugh. I've been feeling down for the past while. Just... not happy with myself or where I am going.

I'm still unemployed. Still... feeling defeated... And... I don't want to point fingers but I think I know what the cause of these feelings are.

And I don't know what to do about it.

My... writing has taken a beating these past couple of years. I have lost a lot of my passion for it. I sometimes struggle with putting words down and it's... it hurts remembering how much I enjoyed doing it and how much I dreamed about writing a book.

...

I'm... feeling like... I've lost myself and that I don't care. Or maybe that I've given up on fighting to reclaim my authenticity. That it's easier to pretend and dismiss and allow myself to get broken down without protest.

I just want peace. Happiness. Love in my life and I... I seem to be failing at it.

I can't seem to find peace. The only times when I feel genuinely at peace is when I'm either playing video games, or watching a good movie or... when I'm truly comfortable sitting by myself alone and undisturbed.

But... I don't... haven't been feeling at peace lately. Despite those things.

There's just this... avoidance... that I think I'm mistaking for peace. It's not really contentment. It's..

Distraction.

Maybe I'm fully depressed and hate myself but won't admit it. So... I distract myself.

That's likely it.

I don't want to talk about my relationship with Fola because it seems like that's all I've been doing on here. I feel chained by her. She... creates drama for no reason. I've noticed that when I'm at my happiest, she'll do or say something to tear it all down.

Over and over.

I have to be honest, I can't see a future with her. She likes to talk about us moving in together but has no road map of what that would look like. She said she doesn't want to move to the Fort and so... what options does that leave? Her reasoning is that Ivy is going to school in a place that is far away from where I am. But... she is still living with her sister and doesn't want to buy a house of her own.

Is she going to move out from there and rent a place? She said she looked into it, but that's all it is. No action taken. No real interest in doing so.

So, if she's not going to buy or rent a place and if she's not going to move into my home, then what?

It's a joke. And... I don't know what kind of mistake it would be if she did live with me.

I don't know anymore.

I... want to find my way back. To how I was once... but this woman makes it difficult.

It's the little things as well as the big ones. She'll be on my couch trying to catch a fly and not succeeding, but I do it and instead of her being impressed, she says "oh you killed it" which I admit I did do by accident.

Just making me feel like shit.

I ask her questions in texts that she doesn't answer. Ignores or just answers in a way that raises more questions. Last night she sent me a link asking me what my thoughts were on this MLM. She knows how much I dislike MLMs but doesn't explain why I am being sent this link.

I asked her if she thinks this MLM is a good idea. No response. I asked her where did she come across it. No answer.

She answers... but not the questions I asked.

I hate it.

Then I look at this link to see what it is. Looks like a MLM site that talks about MLMs and I sent her this long analysis of what I thought it was. Only... it was the wrong link she sent me. The link I had was an article about the MLM she was asking me about. Not the site of the actual MLM. All the article said was MLM made 5 million dollars or some such in revenue that month.

Wasted my time analyzing the site she had me on. All she had to do was send the URL for the MLM and not an article about it.

I'm not explaining this properly I guess.

I don't know how we're supposed to start a business together. I think it's going to be a mess. We're not going to get along. Case in point, regarding our biographical profiles on the site, I asked her if she thinks first person or third person is better. She wanted first person. Then, a week later, she listens to some podcast about coaching and the guy says that third person is best. So now she's all about wanting the bio to be written in third-person because this "expert" says so.

But guess what? Going onto his site, his bio is written in first-person. Talk about hypocrisy.

It's so much wasted time...

She's... going in circles... not really doing much. Listening to all this stuff but not explaining or remembering anything. It's just... "write your bio in third person" and she can't explain to me what the advantage is when I ask her why. It's just... a robot that isn't able to think for itself. Just parrots what other people says and ignores what I say. Ignores critical thinking altogether.

Same with that MLM she sent me. Why are you wasting my time with it? Are you interested in joining this MLM? What's so interesting about it? Is someone trying to recruit you?

She doesn't offer these answers to me. I have to basically interrogate her to find out what the situation is. And even then, she doesn't have an explanation for certain things. Why is she interested? Heck if I know. Apparently some friend of hers is in it and she forwarded that link over to Fola who thought for some reason that I needed to see (and analyze) it as well.

Despite the big fight we once had about her interest in Amway. It's like she isn't learning from past experience at all.

And... man... what a test this is. How do I remain autonomous and happy with myself when having to deal with all this? Is it possible? I imagine that removing myself completely is the easiest solution but is that what I need to do? Just run? Ignore?

Or have equanimity and tolerance and compassion and strength?

Maybe these are the things I need to develop for myself. To learn.

Despite the obstacles thrown in my way. The antagonism. The... small ways in which she hurts our relationship.

Her mood changes... I still don't know how to deal with those.

I...

I need more help with this. I can't do it on my own.

If I can't see a future with her then what am I doing staying involved?

Why am I putting up with all this drama? These false expectations?

Talking about moving in together but does nothing to make it happen.

Complains about her job despite how well it pays and how little she actually works.

And... the lack of empathy... Like, on the weekend I brought up Unbreakable which she said she isn't sure she's seen. We've wanted to watch Split together for a while, so she suggested we watch Unbreakable, Split and then Glass. So... I rent Glass for 7 bucks and she messes around with her phone ignoring the film. Then annoys me by taking videos of me in Snapchat while I'm trying to watch, having cat ears and whiskers superimposed on my face after my telling her that I didn't appreciate her doing so.

And... then she asks me why I am being annoyed and I have to explain in detail all the reasons why. It's... dumb. She seemed genuinely clueless as to why I am annoyed and then complains that I'm not being affectionate towards her afterwards, like somehow it's all my fault.

Look... I didn't pay 7 dollars of money that I don't have for you to goof around during a film that you said you wanted to watch. The other two movies we watched were fine and went well. But not this one. Maybe Glass is boring, but that's no reason to shit on my enjoyment of it by goofing around with the phone.

And her non-answers... "What are you doing?" I asked, watching her pick up the phone and fiddle with it. "Oh, just checking stuff on the phone"

I know she's "checking stuff" ... but what? Why is the movie being interrupted? Turns out she just wants to flick around in her Facebook feed for no reason.

Why can't she offer specifics? It bothers me that these non-answers happen so frequently.

It feels like I expend energy wasting my time with these questions. It's like I can't have my curiosity satisfied because she doesn't think I need to be indulged with an explanation or reason for anything. Same with that link she sent me about the MLM. No explanation or reason as to why it's sent. Just plop it on me with a "what do you think?" and of course, she has no thoughts of her own because she hasn't bothered to looking into it at all.

I don't get it.

I'm tired of all this.

Being in business with her.. God... that... I don't know, man. She wants to constantly put videos out. I just want to get the website done first. Let's focus on getting it running before we focus on what house to buy with our millions of dollars that we're going to make from this.

She's not a realist in the least. Just entitled and self-absorbed.

And she's my girlfriend.

My apparent soul mate or twin flame.

I don't know anymore what to do.

I need help.

I need to connect with myself again.

Help.

Help. Please.

Isolation

Hello blog, me again, figured I should type out a few things.

Fola is on day... five of a ten day Vissapana meditation retreat. She's not allowed to use her phone while there, so that means total and utter silence from her.

I don't get to see or hear from her for 10 days.

Strangely, there is a bit of liberation in all this. I feel freed but also somewhat imprisoned. What I mean is that its like I'm more in a prison of my own making, despite the many distractions Fola provides, I'm now left to my own devices and I feel strangely... alone and shackled.

I suppose I should be rejoicing about having a break to find myself. To pursue whatever it is I want to do but all I seem to be doing is playing a lot of video games and hanging out at the park.

Not fun. Very aimless and... unfocused. There is not much in the way of personal progress as much as I would have liked.

Just did my tax return. A balance of 6 grand is coming in which will pay my property taxes and give me a bit of money left over for surviving. And that is what it is right now as I am unemployed for nearly a year. Surviving.

I don't know where to go or what to do with my life. I don't want to insulate but that doesn't matter anyways as there isn't any work in the union hall that I could apply for. There was a call last week that I tried to get but it was filled and I couldn't get in.

I am realizing that my life is sliding into nothingness. Just stagnant and unchanging and not... attempting to move forward. I blamed Fola for this in the past as she was distracting me and crippled my motivation due to her emotional antics. Just before she left she told me about how a friend of hers called her up and suggested she organize a retreat for some YouTuber in Britian who would come here to present on topics such as consciousness... and, thats all I really know. She didn't even see what this guy is like or gave any reason to be excited about this particular idea and yet she was. Really excited. "This will be a good opportunity for us!" and yet... doesn't explain why and hasn't even THOUGHT about the costs involved and the work required for such an undertaking. Just flying that guy in from the UK is going to be a few thousand bucks. How is such an expense going to be recouped? Will people here buy tickets to see some guy (apparently he has 50k+ subscribers on his channel) talk about consciousness and spirituality?

Then there is the problem of organizing. Booking a place for him to speak is going to cost money. His flight is going to cost money. Marketing/advertising is going to cost money. Is she seriously thinking that this is a good opportunity for us to pursue?

A part of me is screaming to let her go off and do whatever she wants. For her to learn from her mistakes and wash my hands free of this mess. I do not want to be saddled with having to become a planner or accessory to this scheme of hers. This is on top of her wanting to start a business together, on top of her already having a business (which made less than a few hundred bucks last year, unreported income) and... she was talking about this app some colleagues of hers want to design, which again would cost thousands of dollars and much effort to do.

Oh, and the "workshop" she wants us to create for Sundra Healing. Which by the way, she can't seem to be able to put together. That is in spite of the many ideas I've given her regarding it. I was initially excited at the challenge and gave her an idea of how to do it, but she didn't like my idea, or the other ideas since and so it continues to remain in limbo.

Last year we fought about her being recruited by Amway. She was going to drive down to Calgary because a friend of hers suggested she should.

I think her... sense of logic and business and... ambition is completely unrealistic and delusional.

There is some hope with the business that I've come up with, though. An online spiritual mentorship/coaching site. It's a good idea with a good concept and yet, that too is in limbo at the moment as I haven't worked on it in a few weeks.

My day to day life is uninteresting and uninspired. I feel sensations within me at random hours of the day. I KNOW it has something to do with her being at the retreat. I can't deny that I'm feeling certain things in her absence knowing that it is connected to her and whatever it is she is doing/thinking (likely meditating).

And that is really something that she is doing. Ten days of no phone or distractions to meditate almost all day long. She gets up at 4am. Goes to bed around 10pm. In between are two meal breaks and a bit of alone time. I wonder how she is doing. Initially I resisted her jumping impulsively into doing this but perhaps it will make a difference in how she is afterwards.

Maybe she will be more self-aware and thoughtful and less impulsive afterwards.

A part of me is wondering how she will feel after. Such as her feelings towards me in particular. Will she "love" me more or less? Before she left she said she hoped this retreat will aid in her letting go of things that no longer serve her. I had the thought that maybe it would include me, assuming she comes about to thinking that I'm not in alignment with her impulsive goals and ideas.
We had a bit of an argument before she left about this retreat idea. I hate that when I raise an objection that she takes it as an attack and becomes defensive and unwilling to engage with me logically. Really, why is this retreat a good opportunity for us? I would be VERY surprised if we could break even on the costs. Never mind making a profit.

Those ideas of hers... It's like she doesn't want to follow my lead but also does. She wants veto power. She wants easy and effortless and exciting and...

Fuck, man. These things take work. They take focus and concentration and idea generation and things that she doesn't seem to have. Fiscal responsibility and management... I mean, I am willing to help with all these things but she dismisses them. When I brought up the objection I had about this retreat idea saying how much it would all cost (minimum), she said it would "potentially cost thousands of dollars", acknowledging what I said but not providing any reason to believe that this would be a successful venture.

The more I think about her the more troubled I get. And yet... despite the co-dependancy and disrespect and... thoughtlessness... I still have feelings for her and I still feel these strange sensations in my chest which I think might be credited towards her. Or something that is of divine origin.

I don't like accepting this but accept it I must. I know it's wishful thinking to think she is my "twin flame" but there really is something going on with us that needs to be seen to it's rightful conclusion. I can't deny that at all. No matter how rational I am about it. There is something profound governing our relationship and I've seen and experienced so much that points towards this fact. Almost like it was "designed" and certain situations are set up so that certain lessons are learned.

It's bananas. I am basically believing in determinism. What it feels most like right now is that all this was designed before our birth, outside of linear time, and all these events have been constructed so that certain emotions/struggles/insecurities are brought to light in... I guess... for the reason of transcending or learning from them to become better individuals.

And honestly it feels like we are failing. Although if I truly believe in this manufactured "destiny" between us, it should also mean that this is exactly how everything needs to be.

And again... I've seen plenty of evidence to suggest that this is the case. That everything IS unfolding exactly as it needs to.

My battery died and this post showed up. Guess I'll publish it though it's unfinished.