Lightest Duty

(groans) what a week my blog, what a week.

Again, so much has happened that I can't possibly describe it all.

Let's start with the most important thing, no, not Fola, but work.

I got gassed at my job last Wednesday. I was up on top of a tower with my partner Bruce when I started to smell something funny. It wasn't funny to laugh at, but funny enough to scrunch my face and yell at Bruce to get down all the ladders to get away from the smell.

As we reached the halfway point, I look at Bruce and notice him checking out his gas monitor which was blinking a menacing red. I remember almost losing my grip on the way down due to how overwhelming it all smelled and how invasive it was to be caught in this gas, and here was my partner, dawdling looking at his monitor like he had all the time in the world to scrutinize it. Pissed me off.

We were then met at the same level by two other coworkers who also were feeling the effects of this gas and also had their monitors blinking red. Our only exit was the stairs, and Miles Copeland told us all not to go down there and that we should find another way out. We ended up scrambling around cable trays looking for another way down, eventually finding one and then crossing a three-foot gap from about fifty feet or more from the ground.

We got to the ground, no alarms were going off in the unit (and eventually the next unit over did have alarms going because of it) and gathered together with our coworkers, some of whom were spitting and nauseous. One of them (Ethel) actually became wobbly on her feet and nearly fell to the ground had it not been for people around her who saw what was happening.

We waited 20 minutes for the ambulance to arrive. I felt my chest was tight, the disgusting stench still in my nostrils and fatigue/headache setting in.

Eventually the ambulance arrives and took five of us to the hospital, where we were kept under observation and eventually discharged.

There's more detail to all of this, including the BS that went on with my being threatened with "severe repercussions" if I didn't come in, despite a doctor's note saying I shouldn't, but that is being logged elsewhere and is a story best left for another time.

I will get into what happened today at work.

Yesterday, I called in saying that I wasn't going to come in. I couldn't get much sleep and I slept through my alarm and I also didn't have my workboots, which were thrown away as "contaminated" by the hospital staff.

The shift supervisor, Barry, then told me to call Gerald the safety guy to repeat my reasons as to why I wasn't coming in. I was so fatigued and tired and mindful of how they threatened me to come in despite my note; that I didn't want any drama and decided not to call.

I then went to see the doctor at the walk-in clinic. He said I should be on light-duty. Fine. Called Gerald after this, and told him what happened. I didn't want any drama, so I told him I was taking a "personal" day rather than have to jump through the hoops of it being recorded as a lost-time incident. I just wanted my time off to recover and to get my boots and get a second opinion from the doctor, which by the way, the site physician told me to "take it easy" when I saw him on Thursday rather than make any recommendations or suggestions on what I should be doing to recover from the headaches and fever and chest pain, etc.

So, this morning had me in Gerald's office where I handed him my doctor's note for last week (which didn't matter), the light-duty form from the doctor yesterday and the receipts I had for the contaminated clothing I had to replace, which was at a total of $461.91. Crazy number, but Gerald didn't bat an eye at it.

Sat around for most of the morning while they figured out what to do with me. Learned from other people what the five of us (who were hospitalized) have been up to and feeling.

First off was Ethel and Lee. They were placed back into the Coker unit, unbelievably without protest, where an alarm went off and sent them into a panic. Refusing then not to work in that unit, which had them transferred to another crew. It also had Lee taking the day off early so he could see a psychologist.

Second in the day, was Miles. He complained about the stress and how scary it all was and how he had headaches and nausea over the weekend. But did he consult with his doctor or put his foot down and demand not to be placed back into the coker unit? No, he did not, and I was very disappointed when I found out his reasons why.

Turns out, he hates the idea of hand-outs. Of being coddled. He does not want to stay home and get money for nothing. Nor does he want to be on light-duty or thought of as "weak". I thought those were terrible reasons because this incident was the sole responsibility and fault of our employer and could have resulted in more severe consequences had we not evacuated the area in time.

I tried to get Miles to think about his health, mentally and physically and to consider getting it recorded by a family doctor. He looked depressed and closed-off and then told me that this incident was only "the tip of the iceberg" compared to everything else going on in his life at the moment. He felt that "routine" by working and forgetting everything, was the solution to his ills.

That's three of the five. The next was Danny Yim, he didn't show up today. I'm not sure what his story is.

Later on, I would talk to my partner Bruce, who not only got the details of our location wrong (platform 14 instead of 19), but like Miles, didn't want to report any injuries or trauma, despite also suffering from headaches and nausea over the weekend. Telling me that his wife and daughter were shocked by his story and that he now "knew" what to do differently in this situation. The non-chalance about his having to work again on the coker, made me a bit upset. Who the hell would want to go back there where alarms didn't go off, ambulance response time was long and over 50ppm of H2S was reported on one of our monitors? What kind of a dummy would brush that all off?

He then told me about how he once fell off a scaffold a fair distance and cut his wrist. He then didn't report it, despite there being no edge rails and being a clear violation of safety standards. He smiled as he told me how he climbed back on the ladder to continue what he was doing. Like he was showing the scaffold who's "boss".

Depressing. Depressing as hell. These people aren't self-aware enough to know that when their health has been jeopardized and their safety compromised due to negligance, or the disrespect of management to place them back at their jobs; they make the rest of us look bad. Like this incident wasn't a big deal. Exactly what management wants to play it as. But it was a big deal. A HUGE deal. So much so that in the safety meeting today, they glossed over the incident, saying it was under investigation and that they didn't want to give specifics because they didn't have any to give. It was bullshit. I knew it was and have already heard what went wrong. Stone-walling and stalling, until finally this guy at my table, Trevor, yelled out "you guys really fucked this up" to which we heard an "excuse me?" from a Suncor rep, and he replied, "you guys really fucked up. Big time." loudly.

I smiled inside. The Suncor rep nodded at him, and one guy jokingly gave him the new nickname of "Big Balls" Trevor. Joking that he was going to be the first to be laid off.

It's a terrible situation I'm in. They have me cutting bands in the shop for light duty. Two weeks of this. And likely by the end of it, I'll be laid off or close to being laid off. They've been talking about this for a while now.

And.. I don't know what's going to happen at the end. I do have these headaches, I don't feel them as much in the morning, but they build up over the day. The tightness in my chest, that is present with me too.

I really want to write a detailed report of all this garbage. I really do want Suncor to be held accountable. I don't feel safe working at a refinery anymore. Not when this is the way they look after our own safety. It used to be that every accident or incident is the fault of careless workers, who should have noted the "hazard" on their FLRA cards and put in controls to manage it.

Well, how the heck do we manage a computer malfunction that ended up causing a gas explosion? How do we manage for alarms that didn't go off? Emergency not being contacted immediately and an ambulance being sent right away?

How?

Anyways, blog. I'm now cutting bands with this old guy who loves to hunt. He's grumpy and... sighs.. I'm not looking forward to two weeks of this.

I hate this job. I dislike my career.

I need to move on to something else.

But... I have no means of doing so.

I'm on fumes... paycheque to paycheque.

I'm hurting.

And Fola.. well.. more knives in my chest with that one. She's in Nanaimo with her family this week and I'm looking after her sister's cat Guimo.

I'm... again... lied to. Mislead. She said we were going to go to BC this year. We didn't.

We were supposed to go to Cuba this year. We didn't.

Three months ago was, "we should take a big trip soon" we didn't, and she ended up going to Boston and then Vancouver a few short weeks later. One for "work" related reasons which was bullshit. The other, too, was her having to go to a Shaman group meeting, but had her enjoying the sites and sounds of being in a new place and seeing the ocean, etc.

All those lies and false promises.

Getting sick of it my blog.

Really getting sick of it.

Yesterday had her talking about how she couldn't wait to go to Norway with me. I couldn't share her enthusiasm. I am still not forgetting how she promised we would go on a trip as soon as she got her pension money. Which she did, and spent already. I still haven't forgotten how she said she wanted to plan a trip and it was going to be a surprise...

And, fuck man.. she's left the province three times without me this year. And she wants to go to Brazil in the fall.

I am such a sucker.

I am.

I keep wanting to believe in love.

Instead, I am forced to disbelieve in it. I cannot trust her. She does not keep her word.

I'm tired, blog. Just wanted to jot this all down before I go to sleep.

So tired.

Good night.

Love you.

May tomorrow be a better day.

And the future that much brighter.

The Train Keeps a Rollin'

Hi blog, how are you? Yes, it has been a while hasn't it? Almost two months.

I thought about you off and on. Wanted to come here and post about the latest thing that is bothering me. Such as the drama between Fola, which is generally all that's really worth posting about I think.

She's sleeping in my bed right now. It's 3:30am and I have to go to work. Didn't have enough sleep, but I also couldn't sleep. Something about being in bed with her made me feel uncomfortable more than a few times that I decided to head downstairs, brew coffee and start typing.

Sighs. There is so much I haven't reported on. Her trip to Salem. The fight we had around there. Other fights. Other drama.

Right now, I'm dealing not with a fight, but a disconnect. It bothers me when she acts distant and distracted and last night was more of that.

When she gets that way, I start feeling less excited and interested in being with her.

What bothers me really, is the hypocrisy around our relationship. It wasn't too long ago when she said she would do her best to make this the most loving relationship she can. She hasn't. Not from what I saw last night and recently.

To be fair, she is starting a new job tomorrow and is nervous about it. I suppose I'm mentioning this because we haven't been intimate last night and I really wanted us to be.

When I sleep next to her, it feels like she's not even there. Its like she's a corpse. No warmth. No snuggling. No kisses. Touching her feels like nothing. Like, nothing is registering.

I find that I have to initiate most of the moments of intimacy that passes between us, and that is not good. Hugs, kisses... My attempts at keeping the spark alive doesn't seem to be met with much reciprocity. And that is not good either.

I don't know blog. That woman isn't giving me what I need. She is not keeping true to her word.

I've often wrote in the past about how much I want love in my life. A woman to love and be loved by and... this is not what I wanted. It is and it isn't. In our best moments, it can be, but only when mutual effort is put in. And even then, it feels more like my own efforts than it does for her.

A few days ago, she came over and I initiated sex. At first she was like, "I don't know. I kind of thought about sex before coming over, but I also didn't, I don't know... but you know what I mean."

No, I didn't know what she means. That ambivalence towards giving me something that I need and desire, doesn't help with getting me excited and motivated to please both her and myself.

It damages things.

And yet, she went through with it and it was great. It made no sense to voice doubts or complaints.

I think about the girl of my dreams and how we would spoon together in bed. How we would work to make each other laugh and smile and feel good. And I think of Georgina sometimes, and how she would do silly things like tie Darth Vadar to my bed, or decide to give me a blowjob in the kitchen for no apparent reason or effort on my part.

That's the kind of girl I want. The one that I know is acting to please me and is willing to be pleased by me.

And I don't quite understand why its not that way with Fola. It... She is complicated in a simple way. I think she's always had an issue with connecting emotionally with people. This isn't apparent until down the road, when one spends enough time with her.

I've seen how it is with her daughter. It almost feels like she starves Ivy of affection and attention in a way that makes her daughter craves it even more.

Kind of like what she is doing with me.

Turning us into slaves, I think, is an apt way of describing the effect of her unconscious behavior.

It seems that even with yesterday, when I try and do things perfectly. To please and excite her, I am not rewarded for my efforts. There is this wall or chasm she puts up that she will not take down between us. Despite being witness to the obvious attempt on my part to negate such things. To connect more fully and to bring more depth to our interactions.

It takes two to tango.

I don't know blog. I just don't know. About a week ago I received a spirit guide portrait I ordered through Etsy, done by a psychic in the UK. Costed me about 120$ for it, and I purchased two other readings by separate people so I could better triangulate information about whether or not I have a spirit guide or guides, assisting me through life.

And... It's inconclusive. The portrait I received showed a face of someone with plants/vines for hair.

That was the portrait one. The reading before that, told me that my guide was a woman and that she had an urgent message for me. The message was that Fola (not directly referenced by name) was working to spiritually undermine me.

Felt true enough to me. Whenever I'm in a good mood or feeling particularly connected to my higher-self and the world around me, she manages to tear it down and have me feel disoriented, confused and starved for validation.

The first reading I got, didn't impress me and offered little information beyond that my element is "fire" and that's really all I got among the general statements it made.

So, my triangulation was fruitless. I didn't find any contradictions between them and I didn't find much in common, either, apart from my guide being a woman.

Oh yeah, the second reading said my guide also had a message to me. Something about milking a cow and that "he will know what that means" and I clearly don't.

Yeah.. so.. Fola just texted asking me to go upstairs to cuddle with her.

The slave obeys.

Talk to you soon blog.

Love you.

Now, I must learn to love myself.