Cliffhanger Ending

Well, looks like Fola and I are done. I don't even know if this is for sure but when my last words to her are "get out of here" as I slam the door; then I think that's pretty much it.

I can't stand a liar, or a person unwilling to find courage enough to stand and fight for what they believe in.

I have been putting up with a lie for too long, believing that Fola might actually love me as she said she did.

And I was wrong to think that giving her my best, would be reason enough for her to try to give me hers. But she didn't give me her best, and...

I was used.

Strung along. Taken advantaged of.

And, last night as I repeated again my concern about the relationship and how I wanted to know that I wasn't wasting my time with her, she went from "let's talk about it" to heading for my front door shortly after I started talking.

All I said, was that I needed to know where this was going. What she wanted from me, and how I can't keep believing in something that I'm the only one fighting for.

Love is worth fighting for. Love is worth changing yourself for. Love is worth moving towards and building and developing and strengthening.

But, she doesn't think that way and could only answer with "I don't know" to my questions.

What do you want from me? Where do you see this relationship going? What are your expectations?

"I don't know"

I'm not as broken hearted as I expected myself to be today, but I was listless and feeling lost. I really think she's my soulmate, but she... She stopped caring for me. She talks, rather than demonstrates. Saying "I love you" is not as believable as her looking into my eyes with the same shine I've given her.

I've loved her, but. She's married. She's immature. Doesn't know how important relationships are. Doesn't take my feelings or concerns seriously enough. Doesn't try and make a bit of effort to show how important I am to her. She isn't supportive. She is not kind. Nor compassionate. Not even interesting.

I can forgive a boring woman, if I knew she truly loves me and appreciates all that I do for her.

Appreciation. Gratitude. Each goes a long ways towards keeping me inspired and enthusiastic about being in a relationship and making it into the best it can be.

Fola doesn't think that way.

She's... Damaged. Crippled. Is incapable of knowing what love actually is, because she is unwilling to give it.

For awhile, I thought maybe my ideal notion of love was unreasonable and unrealistic to attain, but it's not. It's...

It's exactly what I deserve. What everyone deserves.

I don't know what I should be learning from this relationship. I hoped it would be the end of the road for me. My happy ending. But, it's not. And.. I don't know. It could still be. If Fola wants what I want.

But, she doesn't. In fact, she doesn't know what she wants.

I know what I want. I've dreamt of it for years, now.

Maybe the lesson is not to throw pearls before swine. Maybe the lesson was for me to love another person unconditionally, no matter how often they wound me. Maybe the lesson was about the importance of staying true to myself, and bailing on her earlier so I would find the lady who was deserving of what I have to offer.

Maybe, it was all those things. Maybe it was none of them.

I find myself a maker of hypocrites when it comes to relationships.

But, maybe, I've now become the hypocrite for not really putting into practise the lessons I've learned from other women. Although I tried. Lord knows I've tried my hardest to make it work.

Until, I couldn't.

You can't force anyone to love you and those that claim to, should be tested.

Fola failed that test. Either because of her unwillingness to try, or because she was incapable of loving to the depth that I need and have given.

I don't know.

Now that I'm back to working again, and not enjoying it; I realize that time is so finite that I can't stand around hoping for something or someone to appear in my life, transforming it into the dreams I've been carrying inside for so many years now.

I have to make those dreams a reality.

But, I did try. I really did.

And I can't force anyone to do the same.

I can't force Fola. And Gina tried without my even asking. She tried. Fola didn't.

I don't know anymore.

Life is so short.

I can't waste it on waiting for a married woman to figure out what she wants.

I can't give all of who I am to someone unwilling to go the extra mile to make me feel loved enough to inspire me to keep trying, and to make things special between us.

I can't allow a negative person to bring me down to their level, and not elevating themselves to mine. I hate to sound superior and arrogant about it, but I did bring my best. I feel that it counts as a better way of being, and I expect gratitude as the minimum reward for my efforts.

(sighs) I was dragged down. Not all the way, but quite far. I feel like I should be keeping a list of Fola's transgressions to remind myself that the reaction and feelings I had towards her last night, were the right ones to have. I do deserve better. I do deserve a happy and meaningful relationship that is constantly moving forward and developing into something magical.

Although we already had the magical stuff. It wasn't enough. Not enough for her to give me any reason to believe she was serious about being with me. Through thick and thin. Hard times and good ones.

She is not that type of person, it seems. And for too long, I kept faith alive thinking she might be. And she will probably go back to the way she once was. Sleeping with random guys she has superficial connections with and pretending like it's not.

Her loss.

I haven't texted her all day. She hasn't texted me. She still owes me money for the trip, and I doubt she has integrity enough in her to pay it back.

I've been used.

I've been conned.

I've been made a mockery of.

And it won't happen to me again.

The Cookie Still Crumbles

Seems like a recurring theme on this blog for the past few months. Every time I post, has to do with how negative I have been feeling about my relationship with Fola.

And this post, is no different.

Last night we went to see Alien: Covenant, and it sucked. I didn't enjoy it. The best parts of the movie for me, was when I was holding Fola's hand.

Then afterwards, as I expected her to be coming over to my place, she started talking about how she had to borrow her husband's car because she couldn't start her own (dead battery) and that she would feel guilty if she stayed over at my place, and her husband doesn't have a vehicle for whatever emergency that could possibly happen. That's understandable, but after a long week of weak, unenthusiastic texts (from me) and with the way she didn't take sex seriously last time she was over, and how she... (sighs) I can go on and on and it won't make any difference.

I'm tired, man. It has been nothing but.. disappointment after disappointment with this woman. And I hesitate to use the term woman, when her maturity level doesn't reflect someone who understands themselves and how to relate to others.

Last night, as I came home from the theatre, feeling saddened; I just went to bed, knowing that it was another night of being alone, even though I thought she was going to be with me. And, she texted me as I was settling in and I didn't want to respond. She mentioned that it was a dead battery, as I suggested, and I didn't care enough to comment. I just wanted to shut her out from my mind and go to sleep. Then she called at midnight, probably about the car, and...

It's obvious. I don't have any excitement left for her. Fola has demonstrated more than enough times that she isn't ready or willing or feeling like our relationship is going anywhere. She...

I feel like tears are coming on.. I can go into so much detail about why she is wrong for me, that it feels pointless to do so.

Yeah.. There's a tear.. welling up as I type. Both eyes.

I am tempted to call myself a loser. A failure. But.. I know in my heart that I.. I've done my best and it wasn't good enough to inspire her to do the same.

I've felt those feelings before with others, too. It's familiar. Not getting what I need or want. Not having the image of my ideal relationship match up with reality. Not feeling loved, or respected, or wanted.

Just...

Emptiness.

Sadness.

And a part of me knows that I deserve.. No, ALL of me knows that I deserve someone special, and I can't help but think of Gina again. And knowing how much I blown that.

I..

I am going back to work on Thursday, and I imagine that my focus is going to be even less on Fola than it is now, and I don't see why she would be interested in seeing me once I'm in this mode of thinking. Because, I am not going to try as hard with her as I have. I am not going to ... excite her, and I am expecting something even more dilluted than it already is.

And, it's not all my fault. That's the part I need to accept and understand. This is not all my fault. I've gone above and beyond. I went the extra mile. I've cherished her. Forgiven her. Respected her. Did all the things that I felt was expected of me, even when I didn't want to. I did it because I thought I loved her. I did it because I.. wanted this all to work. But.. I can't do it all on my own, and I can't take responsibility for this failure when I know that I have tried my best. Multiple times. And have very little, if anything, to be apologizing for.

There was a documentary I watched on Netflix about sex and technology. "Hot Girls Wanted" and it was an episode about this 40-year old guy who "ghosts" the women that he dates. Basically, fucks them and leaves them hanging, so he can hook up with another 20-something year old, and repeat the process.

The guy had little shame or concern about what he was doing, and I was reminded of how horrible online dating really is. I found myself nodding at the various points made throughout. That people just don't want to work at relationships anymore, and that they bail when things get too tough, thinking that there's always someone better or easier to get along with, around the corner.

I don't want to go back to dating again. I hate it. I don't want to be the 40 year old guy still going out on dates when I should be with a family. With a woman that loves and supports me and brings out the best of who I am. And appreciates it. And reciprocates.

But.. I am not with that woman, right now. Fola potentially can be that woman, but she's not.

She's not.

And.. I am hanging onto hope. Onto potential. And, I don't know if its worth doing anymore. Why should I cast pearls before swine? I've done it for months now, and...

I deserve better.

Fola and I had great chemistry. Great sex. Great conversations. And, it was mainly it seems, due to me. As immodest as that sounds. I made all that happen, because I was happy and excited and wanting to make it work.

Well, it all wasn't good enough. Fola.. I don't know man. I'm thinking she should be cut some slack, but I'm so observant of the small things she does and says; that I don't think she should be cut any slack at all.

She barely tries. And only when I get upset, is when she seems to want to do anything.

That's.. I don't want a relationship with a robot. Where this thing has to follow my instructions in order to keep me happy. I want to stop thinking about the latest drama with her. I want to focus on building a good life for myself and not have this girl on my mind all the time. Crowding out the thoughts that would help me build that life I'm after. I spend far too much time thinking about someone that doesn't deserve so much of the attention that I've given her up until this point. I hate the sound of that, like she "owes" me for all I've done; but, I've done so much, and have gotten back so little. And.. that's what a good relationship is supposed to be. Two people in love, who continually works towards making the relationship better. Making each other better. Not just one person who is doing that, while the other is prone to expressions of being ungrateful and inconsiderate and insensitive.

I can see...

No.. I can't see the future. It would be arrogant for me to predict it.

But, it seems like I will have to give up on her at some point, if things carry on the way they are.

I can't.. live my life for another woman. I want to, but not her. It has to be someone deserving and appreciative.

Someone kind. Loving. Thoughtful. Sensual. Fun. Silly. Smart. Spiritual.

That's the person I'd want to give my life towards.

To build a future with.

Not a married woman who incites all this drama, and makes me feel more like I'm being used, than being loved.

And... there's no.. indication or interest from her, regarding our future it seems. I'm pretty one-sided in how I express that. And wanting to work towards achieving it.

She's 30 years old, and I'm still not sure if its just her personality or immaturity that is standing in the way of all this. Maybe it's both. Maybe she still has a long ways to go before realizing how to be able to fully love someone, and to want to make them happy. Her ego... (sighs) her ego is ridiculous. I don't think she questions...

I'm tired. I don't feel like writing anymore. I've already written enough. You can see how much this woman is negatively consuming my thoughts, when I want to harbor good thoughts and good feelings.

Not these sad ones.

And.. I am well aware that I might be too demanding of what I expect from a relationship, but I don't think I am. I think the minimum I'm willing to accept, is a grateful and appreciative lady to be with. She does not express gratitude or appreciation very well. Hardly ever.

I just feel used. Like a toy. This thing that distracts her for a little while, and then she can go home. To her husband. Her daughter. Her dog.

Her life. Of which I don't feel like I'm an important part of.

I'd love to see her every day. To see her daughter every day. Even her dog, but I can't.

And she doesn't.. I don't know.. I don't know if she wants to see me every day either. She..

(sighs)

Yeah. It doesn't feel like she loves me.

I don't feel loved.

So.

What now?

I am..

I don't think I can break this off.

I need to ride this as far as it will go, and to have her break up with me.

I told her before that this relationship was going to be a struggle, and I was right. For so many different reasons.

But..

It still feels like there is something I need to learn from her, before I can part ways.

It still feels like a test that I am taking. And haven't yet passed or completed.

So.

Guess I'll have to wait and see. If and when the break up happens, it'll likely be her idea.

And then I can move forward confidently, knowing that I have tried. That I haven't given up.

I still remember my earlier blog posts, about how I excited I was to have met my soulmate.

...

She...

She's my..

(sighs)

Dream.

And that's all it seems to be, right now.

Until something in her changes.

Well blog.

It's been a crazy life.

I don't see the craziness ending anytime soon.

The Struggle Aftermath

Well blog, I'm here again. On my knees asking you to listen to my grievances.

Past few days hasn't been going well for me. Money is non-existent. I haven't worked in six months, and there doesn't seem to be any jobs on the horizon. My writing is having a tough time being productive, and I am in a relationship with a married woman who doesn't actually love me. Or can't seem to be able to.

It's tough, man. I'm inclined to feel the fear and allow myself to fall into a million pieces that cannot ever be glued back together again, but I'm not. I'm feeling sad.

Fola.. (sighs) .. a few days ago, we met with her friend Ryan and problems came immediately once we arrived at the bar and he was in a booth alone.

"Where should I sit?" Fola asks, looking at Ryan.

I was right there next to her, feeling completely rejected. Where should she sit? By me, isn't that the obvious answer?

A few other things came around that made me.. disappointed, in her. Greatly. I could've been angry, but I already knew what kind of person she was, and I didn't want to make a scene.

The way she looked at Ryan.. (sighs) she used to look at me that way. Until she got bored of me, I guess. Or... just not as interested as before.

One of the things I hated about that night, is that in the back of my mind, I kept thinking all she really wanted from us hanging out, was a threesome. Which bothered me as we sat at my dining room table later on, and.. Well, to Fola's credit, she did give me some reassuring touches as we chatted. But to me, it felt too little, too late. She had been fawning over Ryan, who once suggested that he "practise" having sex with her; and..

I.. I'm not in a loving relationship. All these little things add up to make that a foregone conclusion.

I'm just not being loved in the way I deserve to be. Or being given towards even half as much as I had been giving to her.

That night ended awfully, with Fola getting drunk and refusing sex in bed, and then in the morning, she says, "make it quick". I had felt this dark cloud descend over me and felt like our relationship was on the ropes and wasn't going to last. She later apologized for being "weird" and understood why I wasn't happy about her asking where she should sit. But, she still maintains that she didn't do anything wrong.

Fola is incredibly selfish. This, I had known for a while. I thought maybe in time I could slowly convert her over, but it doesn't look like its going in that direction. Or maybe it is. I really don't know.

She's having problems at home. Her dad seems to hate me now that her husband Larry told him all about our trip together, and that is in spite of his also being polyamorous and seeing other people, etc.

Such a gong show. I really felt myself sink to a low level. That nice sharp in-focus feeling I had been riding in the past few months, seemed to get buried behind the dullness of my eyes. Fola just wasn't making me happy. And seems to have little to no trace of empathy in her, for evidence too numerous for this blog post to get into.

So, today, as I was invited over to her place for dinner (which was nice, her making me dinner). I couldn't chase these dark thoughts out of my mind. Our texting lately has been sucking. So has our chats on the phone, and I didn't have much hope that meeting her today would change anything. I expected it to be even worse afterwards, since I little to no enthusiasm about making her feel good given how badly she has been making me feel. Again, for reasons too numerous to get into. A lot of small things adding up.

I parked in front of her house, and walked around towards the back where she said she would be. Prior to getting out of the car, I still couldn't chase those thoughts out of my mind. Critical, insulting, despairing. I said out loud as if God was watching me, "so it's going to be like that, huh?" I just couldn't reign in all my negativity.

But, when I arrived on the back patio, I saw her smile and felt all that negativity melt away.

No, not Fola's smile. Ivy, her two-year old daughter.

We blew bubbles together. She grabbed me by the hand and showed me off her toy fountain. Grabbed my hand again to have me sit in a chair. Played with the bubbles I blew.

I so want to be a dad. I so want that kind of unconditional love from a child.

It was easier to bear things after that.

But.. I still feel less and less for Fola. I can't lie to myself. She.. she has this cluelessness about her. Like, I have to teach her how to be in a relationship because she can't figure it out on her own. And I don't like having to open up and be emotionally vulnerable to someone who doesn't appear able to do the same.

When I am not happy, everyone suffers. Especially myself.

And with the financial woes of mine, and the job situation and my not living my purpose.

It's hard. It's so hard to deal with that I just want to ignore everything and play video games all day. I hate it. That's not the way I should go about things.

Which is why I fired up this blog post, to try and do something useful before I lay my head to rest for the night. At least jot my thoughts down. Get them organized. Vent a little. Regroup and have a better perspective tomorrow morning.

The best part of my evening with Fola, was when her and Ivy watched Mia & Me on Netflix. Ivy was wiggling around in my lap, using my hand as a seatbelt and exclaiming, "buckle up!". Then there was a moment when she turned around with a smile and planted a sloppy wet kiss on my lips.

God, I so want kids. But.. I want a loving wife as well.

And.. all I can do is look. Look from the outside in at a life that could possibly be mine someday.

A father of a child, with a wife.

But.. I don't have any of those things. I feel like I'm living on borrowed time. I need to gather my resources and wits together. I don't know if I'll find work soon. I should be scared, but for some reason I'm not. Maybe I'm just comfortable with denial.

And distraction. I've been seeing Fola nearly every day.

And...

(sighs)

I... I know I deserve better.

I've written enough times in this blog to never give my life up for a woman, but that is what I seem to be doing. And I should stop. I should realize that there are more important things to be putting my focus on than on a woman. Especially one who has little empathy. One who thinks nothing of my feelings about not wanting to be in an MMF threesome despite how opposed I am to the idea of it. But will consider doing, if I knew she was trying her best to make me happy.

And she's not.

But then again. I've seen the stress she's under. I've seen how hard it is to raise a child and a dog and living in a house with a husband who doesn't love her. Who abuses her and calls her a whore.

I.. I am always attracting these kind of women into my life for some reason.

I think mainly because I have to have my spirit tested. I need to be able to overcome these things and to find independence within myself. I think that is the lesson I am tasked with, and Fola is doing an excellent job of undermining my dignity and expectations.

Well. She certainly is testing my convictions. I am definitely having to reach deep inside myself to find patience and compassion enough to try and make this all work. To hold onto hope until she breaks things off with me.

Because, I don't know if I can break it off. I've kind of done it already.

I have to ride this out to the bitter end. Just to see if I am making another hypocrite of someone.

Like I'm so good at doing.

I miss Georgina. There was only two women I've been involved with in my life who I would describe as "good" people. Of strong moral fiber, conviction, passion and loyalty.

I can see Gina as one. Even though she bailed so unexpectedly.

I see Elizabeth as the other. Whom I took for granted.

I've only ever been involved with two good women.

In my nearly 40 years on this planet.

...

I'm tired.

I want to...

In my prayers at night, I said something that really stood out for me a while back. Normally, I would describe my day and then kind of ask for help with something. Sort of like making a wish. But I didn't wish for money, for a family, for a loving girlfriend or wife or job or anything like that.

I simply wished for God to remind me of his love.

I just want to be reminded.

I want to know that.

Because if and when I do.

Then everything else is a cakewalk.

But until then.

I will have to wait.

Perhaps someday, I will know for sure.

And it will all have been worth it.