This post is about Amy, myself and the relationship I have with God.
For most of my adult life -- and the better part of my teens -- I have craved to achieve a deep, meaningful connection with another human being.
In the trajectory of my growth, I have endured many hardships. Many joys also. Lessons were learned, ignored and revised.
This past year, I have dated around seven girls. With Kim counting as a relationship I’ve had for six months.
It is still difficult for me to get over Lauren completely. That sense of humour. Her sex drive. Our chemistry. Those are rare things for me to find in a woman and for a while I had lost hope.
Until I met Amy.
While her sex drive is still in question, as we have yet to “do” it; her sense of humour is promising, although I find myself repressing some of the more vulgar things that can sometimes find their way from my noggin to my mouth.
The chemistry however, is without question. It’s there. Physically, anyways.
This morning, Amy had mentioned she was calling in sick to work today and I thought that would mean I would be able to visit her. Even for just a few minutes. She would not agree to it. Claiming instead that if she’s “sick”, she doesn’t want to have to appear nice.
Whatever that means.
After the disappointment sunk in, I felt my good cheer evaporate. It was made worse when she brought up the fact that a male “friend” had to come over last night to use her stove. Why? Because apparently some baker that he’s hired for a party on Sunday, couldn’t bake his cake because her oven was on the blink
First thought: What was wrong with his oven?
Second thought: Is he single?
Third thought: Has he been involved with Amy before?
Fourth thought: Have they had sex? ARE they having sex?
My imagination really knows how to get the best of me. And that’s what sucks about relationships I care about. My imagination always skews towards the negative.
I guess I’m still carrying fresh wounds from my time with Lauren.
What makes things worse, is that I got hung up on Amy’s friend Olav who is apparently having a party to celebrate “friendships” on 9/11.
Yes. This guy is baking a cake and throwing a party to celebrate friendships on a date known for the tragic demise of thousands of American people. Not to mention having been the catalyst for many thousands of more to perish overseas.
Amy said it was “nice”. I asked if he celebrates the Holocaust as well.
I guess we had a rocky start with our texts this morning.
What really bothered me, is how I asked her what her favourite restaurant is; and I haven’t heard a word back from her since. 10:20am up until now -- 11:17pm.
It is brutal, well, WAS brutal waiting for a response.
Once I acknowledged that I wasn’t getting one, my thoughts turned bleak.
Thought one: Is she even interested in me?
Thought two: What is she doing at the moment?
Thought three: Is she really sick?
Thought four: Why couldn’t she let me get to see her for a few minutes?
Thought five: Why am I being ignored like this?
And with that, the rest of my day flew into an emotional tailspin.
I had to struggle. To contemplate. To weigh. To reminiscence.
I spent most of today going over my past relationships and looking at what the proper reaction would be for a situation like this.
It took a while to figure it out, but the answer was simply to not react.
To let things be.
Reading Conversations with God these past few weeks have really helped put life in perspective. There is an intuitive kind of understanding and recognizance that is being drawn from each page I’ve read. I haven’t come across anything this inspirational since The Amazing Laws of Cosmic Mind-Power. And that was in my mid-teens.
Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch (I loathe typing his middle name for some reason), is a book that is serving to enunciate and articulate ideas and opinions that I have been carrying with me all my life. It is like knowing two plus two equals four, but not actually understanding the process involved or fully appreciating the value of such a statement.
Conversations with God is helping me make sense of the statement I have been making of my life.
Whether or not the man was actually talking to God, is irrelevant. It is the words that must be considered. Not the man behind them.
And by God, these words sparkle. They rejuvenate me. And at some points, I am given the validation I have desired for some of my more unconventional beliefs that were often dismissed or derided by those that I would share them with.
In short, I have found proof. Proof that I was not alone living in a delusion of my own making. That I am God. Always have been, always will. That I am responsible for my life and that I have powers of creation that will grant me whatever it is my heart demands.
And that I am a broken, bitter person by my own choosing.
That I deserve to love and be loved by.
That I deserve happiness.
With these principles in mind, I am approaching my relationship with Amy, myself and God -- in a completely new way. I’m imbuing my words, thoughts and actions with a new kind of clarity and awareness. Conscious living, I suppose you could call it.
One of the important things I have yet to fully accept, is that it’s okay to be selfish. To put myself on a pedestal and expect to be happy.
That is true. For whom does anyone have a more important relationship with, if not for themselves?
So I applied this thought towards my not being texted with Amy. While I would love to hear how she’s doing, what she’s feeling and exchange silly jokes; I cannot do so at the expense of my dignity. I will not be the only person who is emotionally generous and willing to open my heart while the other gets to sit around and reap the benefits without having to share anything in turn.
This is something of a theme in a few of my past relationships. Dave, the circus clown. The performer. The goofy guy who wears his heart on a sleeve and can never be taken seriously, or have his feelings respected.
Hah. That’s going to stop right now.
Looking into my past for solutions, I came across my text history with Kim. In this relationship, I took a back seat while she was doing most of the heavy lifting. While I’m not proud for the way I conducted myself and being so defensive; it wasn’t without just cause.
However, with Kim, she only seemed to get more attracted and interested in me the more I pulled away and restrained myself.
Funny how that works, huh? Supply and demand is a fickle beast.
So, as much as I detest to have to resort to such things; I will try and apply this same attitude towards Amy. Not because I don’t care for her and want to manipulate things; but because I care for her very much.
To the point where a part of me is convinced that I truly love her.
And if I expect to get anything back from her, and to win her respect -- I would need to learn to become more self-sufficient and not rely upon her texts to make me feel better about myself and happy.
At the end of the day, I’m in bed alone. By myself. With my thoughts, my deeds and my memories. There is no Amy, Lauren or Kim during this time.
At the end of the day, I am me.
And I owe it to God, to my past loves and to my future that I must endeavour to be myself. To value myself. To stay true to what I believe in.
I have waited far too long to find the right person, and perhaps she doesn’t exist.
But, Amy comes close. Close enough for me to want to try my best.
And that is why I am playing this game with her. Pretending that her absence of texts doesn’t bother me. That not being able to visit her, doesn’t bother me. And that waiting a week to get to see her again, doesn’t bother me.
These thoughts do bother me. But perhaps..
I shouldn’t let them.
Wish me luck.
We’ll see what happens.
