Sunday evening at Franco’s restaurant, I met Amy.
She’s 32, long brown hair with a reddish tint, hazel eyes, a beautiful smile...
And I was smitten.
It has been almost a year since Lauren and I have broken up. September 8th to be exact. In the time since, I have dated several women and have had several disappointments.
The weekend before last, I had gone out with Lisa. An overweight fan of Warcraft who likes reading science fiction and gets motion sickness when playing first-person shooters. We went to see Conan in the theatre. After it was over, a quick “this was fun, we should do it again” was exchanged and we drove off. We haven’t spoken a word to each other since.
And this is typical. Dates where the chemistry just isn’t there. For almost a year I’ve endured it, and in some cases pressed forward with girls even though I was not attracted to them in the least.
Thinking about it and what my goals are, made me realized that I spent an entire year looking for that same connection I had with Lauren.
But once we had broken up, it felt like I couldn’t believe I would find someone like her again. Someone I would fall head over heels and have an instant connection/attraction with.
That is, until I met Amy.
In the conversation we had at Francos, among the laughs and the teasing, a thought popped in my head that was all too familiar. Looking into Amy’s bright, attentive eyes had me thinking...
“God. She’s beautiful.”
Which is the exact same thought I had on my first date with Lauren.
“God. She’s beautiful.”
If I were to honour the truth within myself and to acknowledge my feelings without restraint or embellishment. I think I would honestly admit to being in love.
What I’m not sure about however, is .. can she love me back?
This is the problem I am having to deal with at the moment. Coming from those dates, and with Lauren had me developing a misogynistic view of women. That they couldn’t be trusted. That I could never allow myself to be as honest and forthcoming as I want to be in fear of making myself vulnerable and ripe for exploitation. That I would be perceived as weak and childishly naive.
That I would inevitably be made to suffer, and to feel pain by allowing myself to speak the truth of my heart.
There was something magical about that evening. It’s rare to have those occurrences where two complete strangers open themselves up so nakedly with shining eyes brimming of promise. At least for me it is.
I remember not expecting much, prior to the date. I was a little nervous about making a good first impression, but I didn’t think this person would like me, for some reason. Or that I wouldn’t like her.
How wrong I was. At the end of the evening, as we sat on the curb -- Amy suggested we hang out the next evening. I was taken aback at first, because was she really that interested in me? From the way she elbowed me teasingly and the lingering hug that was exchanged between us, I had to confront and accept the possibility that this was someone who was willing to give me her heart in exchange for mine.
So, last night I was invited over to her place to watch movies. And if past experience had taught me anything, is that watching movies is a bit of an oxymoron when it comes to second dates. They almost always end up with the two of us in bed. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but it’s predictable and to my knowledge -- what women expect from a second date.
How wrong I was, again. In the hours that followed after I came inside -- Amy talked. She poured her thoughts out to me in such a torrent that I again became as overwhelmed as I felt after our first date. Her mother who needed a lung transplant and dealt with alcoholism; her past abusive relationship; how she was married and divorced; her involvement with the church; her spiritual beliefs.. she laid down almost all the cards in her deck for me to look at and consider.
What I am ashamed of admitting however, is that I could not do the same for her. I was hesitant. A little distrustful and again, overwhelmed at all this.
So, in my shame I could only call forth a distraction. I invited her to cuddle with me.
And then we eventually kissed.
What happened next, is something that still blows my mind thinking about. We MELTED into each other. There was something so heartbreakingly passionate that resonated between us, on a level beyond my comprehension, that I knew that this girl is something special.
And that maybe, if my overly romanticized notions do not betray my honesty -- that we are meant for each other.
Those kisses.. God.. I can’t remember.. No, I have NEVER kissed anyone like this before. Not even with Lauren. It was so profoundly tender, explorative and.. natural. It just felt right.
But.. I still have these terrible feelings in my mind that something will go wrong with this relationship. That it won’t work for some reason. That no matter how good the kissing or the sex is, it will come down to some variable that will elude my attention until it is too late.
And speaking of sex, she doesn’t want any. Not for the moment, at least. It’s so strange because I’ve only ever had one girl resist my charms and that would be Michelle, my first girlfriend who claimed to want to wait until we got married before having sex. Still though, she only lasted about three months before giving in. With the girls I’ve dated since, date number three is about the farthest it gets before sex happens.
It has only been two dates so far with Amy, and we already have another one scheduled for Thursday. So, I don’t know.. sex could still happen.
But something tells me that I should stop pursuing it. As lustful and concupiscent as I can be -- I should be mature and experienced enough to know that successful relationships are NOT based on having sex.
And I feel guilty for thinking about such things. Because now that I look back on my past relationships...
Amy is easily the nicest, most sweetest girl I have ever dated.
And I must NOT fuck this one up if I am serious about settling down with the girl of my dreams.
Girls like Amy are hard to come by. Around my age, the most repeated declaration among us single people are the words:
“All the good ones are taken.”
And, I must count my blessings for this opportunity I have been given. Meeting Amy is likely the most important test I will ever face. Will I adhere to upholding my honour and staying true to my feelings without worrying about being hurt? Can I put myself on the line for another person again? Will I finally get to experience mutual love that is without expectation or imposition?
Is this the girl I’ve been wanting to be with, for the rest of my life?
Or will I suffer in heartbreak once I open myself up completely to her? I don’t know. And I’m a little scared to find out.
But.. If ever there was a chance to believe in a God, or in finding my soulmate.
Now is the time.
Wish me luck.
