thoughts on amy.. again

So Amy texted me a few days ago saying that she is not “ready” to be in a relationship.

What the hell does that mean? I had to ask her for clarification. Why was her profile on OkCupid if she wasn’t interested or able to have a relationship? She revealed that she thought it was a good way to casually “date” other guys.

(sighs) .. I’m not sad about any of this, just disappointed. When she texted me with “Do you hate me?” I could only laugh, and say that no. I did not hate her.

But I am disappointed she isn’t courageous enough to try and give us a chance.

I have to admit, the first three times we’ve hung out together, it was moving pretty fast -- emotionally. I think. But, all we’ve done was kiss. We haven’t had sex or declared our love or anything.

All this does is make me more confused. We have this fantastic chemistry together, and three dates in she says she isn’t ready for a relationship. I can accept that a busy work schedule makes things difficult, but is it really a question of readiness?

Or willingness?

I think it’s the latter. I think we are all ready to receive whatever it is that we most desire, it is our minds who stand with folded arms in front of our beating, vulnerable hearts that warns anyone with romantic intentions, not to get any closer.

Logically, love never makes any sense. And we deny those feelings out of acting “rational”.

We fumble for every possible excuse to protect ourselves.

And I think that is what’s going on here. Because, yes, things have been moving too fast with Amy and it’s tempting to suggest that it’s all for the wrong reasons. That we want a temporary reprieve from loneliness and that we are not actually forging any kind of meaningful connection with each other.

I understand that. Which is why I stopped texting her. It’s been almost three days now without a word passed between us.

The irony is that we aren’t having a meaningful connection at the moment precisely because I am giving her the space she needs to think about all this, as I am doing now. I think a few days apart until we meet on Sunday, might prove illuminating. And it already has.

For instance, I am now slowly beginning to understand what it is I hope to find in life. Do I really want a stable, trustworthy relationship with a person who appears capable of monogamy and that I have good chemistry with? Or do I want a “fling” where it gets serious and overly passionate, and then burns itself out within the next few months?

I really need to stop and consider such things. Because more often than not, my unconscious-self steers me towards the direction of my baser impulses.

I want to go into the direction of my heart, instead.

I want to be truthful to my feelings this time.

And the truth is, I don’t love Amy yet. I can delude myself and pretend that I do -- and I can do so quite convincingly if I try -- But that is not the truth.

The truth is, I have never kissed anyone in the way that she and I did. That is all I have to go on.

Kissing.

I love to kiss Amy. I’m driven to.

It doesn’t make any sense, but again, who says emotions have to make sense?

So, I need to trust my feelings on this. That there is a good reason for these urges, our chemistry -- and that we don’t need to pursue those reasons right away. We can take our time and get to really know one another first before we move things up another level.

She’s a fantastic person with a good heart. She really is. And face it, I’m damaged as fuck. Although I can bring a lot of good things into a relationship, I also bring along a measure of baggage that can be difficult to deal with.

In her texts, she also admitted to being “damaged”. I guess everyone is these days.

But, how does one get “ready” for a relationship? How does one deal with being “damaged”? How can we make this work between us?

The answer I think, is to let things happen as they do. Stop trying to force an agenda or levy any expectations onto one another and just be.

Let it be.

Three words of much simplicity. Time, truth, courage and mutual respect will determine what the outcome will eventually be.

We both deserve this. The question however is.

Are we willing to accept it?

We’ll see.

the games we play

This post is about Amy, myself and the relationship I have with God.

For most of my adult life -- and the better part of my teens -- I have craved to achieve a deep, meaningful connection with another human being.

In the trajectory of my growth, I have endured many hardships. Many joys also. Lessons were learned, ignored and revised.

This past year, I have dated around seven girls. With Kim counting as a relationship I’ve had for six months.

It is still difficult for me to get over Lauren completely. That sense of humour. Her sex drive. Our chemistry. Those are rare things for me to find in a woman and for a while I had lost hope.

Until I met Amy.

While her sex drive is still in question, as we have yet to “do” it; her sense of humour is promising, although I find myself repressing some of the more vulgar things that can sometimes find their way from my noggin to my mouth.

The chemistry however, is without question. It’s there. Physically, anyways.

This morning, Amy had mentioned she was calling in sick to work today and I thought that would mean I would be able to visit her. Even for just a few minutes. She would not agree to it. Claiming instead that if she’s “sick”, she doesn’t want to have to appear nice.

Whatever that means.

After the disappointment sunk in, I felt my good cheer evaporate. It was made worse when she brought up the fact that a male “friend” had to come over last night to use her stove. Why? Because apparently some baker that he’s hired for a party on Sunday, couldn’t bake his cake because her oven was on the blink

First thought: What was wrong with his oven?

Second thought: Is he single?

Third thought: Has he been involved with Amy before?

Fourth thought: Have they had sex? ARE they having sex?

My imagination really knows how to get the best of me. And that’s what sucks about relationships I care about. My imagination always skews towards the negative.

I guess I’m still carrying fresh wounds from my time with Lauren.

What makes things worse, is that I got hung up on Amy’s friend Olav who is apparently having a party to celebrate “friendships” on 9/11.

Yes. This guy is baking a cake and throwing a party to celebrate friendships on a date known for the tragic demise of thousands of American people. Not to mention having been the catalyst for many thousands of more to perish overseas.

Amy said it was “nice”. I asked if he celebrates the Holocaust as well.

I guess we had a rocky start with our texts this morning.

What really bothered me, is how I asked her what her favourite restaurant is; and I haven’t heard a word back from her since. 10:20am up until now -- 11:17pm.

It is brutal, well, WAS brutal waiting for a response.

Once I acknowledged that I wasn’t getting one, my thoughts turned bleak.

Thought one: Is she even interested in me?

Thought two: What is she doing at the moment?

Thought three: Is she really sick?

Thought four: Why couldn’t she let me get to see her for a few minutes?

Thought five: Why am I being ignored like this?

And with that, the rest of my day flew into an emotional tailspin.

I had to struggle. To contemplate. To weigh. To reminiscence.

I spent most of today going over my past relationships and looking at what the proper reaction would be for a situation like this.

It took a while to figure it out, but the answer was simply to not react.

To let things be.

Reading Conversations with God these past few weeks have really helped put life in perspective. There is an intuitive kind of understanding and recognizance that is being drawn from each page I’ve read. I haven’t come across anything this inspirational since The Amazing Laws of Cosmic Mind-Power. And that was in my mid-teens.

Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch (I loathe typing his middle name for some reason), is a book that is serving to enunciate and articulate ideas and opinions that I have been carrying with me all my life. It is like knowing two plus two equals four, but not actually understanding the process involved or fully appreciating the value of such a statement.

Conversations with God is helping me make sense of the statement I have been making of my life.

Whether or not the man was actually talking to God, is irrelevant. It is the words that must be considered. Not the man behind them.

And by God, these words sparkle. They rejuvenate me. And at some points, I am given the validation I have desired for some of my more unconventional beliefs that were often dismissed or derided by those that I would share them with.

In short, I have found proof. Proof that I was not alone living in a delusion of my own making. That I am God. Always have been, always will. That I am responsible for my life and that I have powers of creation that will grant me whatever it is my heart demands.

And that I am a broken, bitter person by my own choosing.

That I deserve to love and be loved by.

That I deserve happiness.

With these principles in mind, I am approaching my relationship with Amy, myself and God -- in a completely new way. I’m imbuing my words, thoughts and actions with a new kind of clarity and awareness. Conscious living, I suppose you could call it.

One of the important things I have yet to fully accept, is that it’s okay to be selfish. To put myself on a pedestal and expect to be happy.

That is true. For whom does anyone have a more important relationship with, if not for themselves?

So I applied this thought towards my not being texted with Amy. While I would love to hear how she’s doing, what she’s feeling and exchange silly jokes; I cannot do so at the expense of my dignity. I will not be the only person who is emotionally generous and willing to open my heart while the other gets to sit around and reap the benefits without having to share anything in turn.

This is something of a theme in a few of my past relationships. Dave, the circus clown. The performer. The goofy guy who wears his heart on a sleeve and can never be taken seriously, or have his feelings respected.

Hah. That’s going to stop right now.

Looking into my past for solutions, I came across my text history with Kim. In this relationship, I took a back seat while she was doing most of the heavy lifting. While I’m not proud for the way I conducted myself and being so defensive; it wasn’t without just cause.

However, with Kim, she only seemed to get more attracted and interested in me the more I pulled away and restrained myself.

Funny how that works, huh? Supply and demand is a fickle beast.

So, as much as I detest to have to resort to such things; I will try and apply this same attitude towards Amy. Not because I don’t care for her and want to manipulate things; but because I care for her very much.

To the point where a part of me is convinced that I truly love her.

And if I expect to get anything back from her, and to win her respect -- I would need to learn to become more self-sufficient and not rely upon her texts to make me feel better about myself and happy.

At the end of the day, I’m in bed alone. By myself. With my thoughts, my deeds and my memories. There is no Amy, Lauren or Kim during this time.

At the end of the day, I am me.

And I owe it to God, to my past loves and to my future that I must endeavour to be myself. To value myself. To stay true to what I believe in.

I have waited far too long to find the right person, and perhaps she doesn’t exist.

But, Amy comes close. Close enough for me to want to try my best.

And that is why I am playing this game with her. Pretending that her absence of texts doesn’t bother me. That not being able to visit her, doesn’t bother me. And that waiting a week to get to see her again, doesn’t bother me.

These thoughts do bother me. But perhaps..

I shouldn’t let them.

Wish me luck.

We’ll see what happens.

amy

Sunday evening at Franco’s restaurant, I met Amy.

She’s 32, long brown hair with a reddish tint, hazel eyes, a beautiful smile...

And I was smitten.

It has been almost a year since Lauren and I have broken up. September 8th to be exact. In the time since, I have dated several women and have had several disappointments.

The weekend before last, I had gone out with Lisa. An overweight fan of Warcraft who likes reading science fiction and gets motion sickness when playing first-person shooters. We went to see Conan in the theatre. After it was over, a quick “this was fun, we should do it again” was exchanged and we drove off. We haven’t spoken a word to each other since.

And this is typical. Dates where the chemistry just isn’t there. For almost a year I’ve endured it, and in some cases pressed forward with girls even though I was not attracted to them in the least.

Thinking about it and what my goals are, made me realized that I spent an entire year looking for that same connection I had with Lauren.

But once we had broken up, it felt like I couldn’t believe I would find someone like her again. Someone I would fall head over heels and have an instant connection/attraction with.

That is, until I met Amy.

In the conversation we had at Francos, among the laughs and the teasing, a thought popped in my head that was all too familiar. Looking into Amy’s bright, attentive eyes had me thinking...

“God. She’s beautiful.”

Which is the exact same thought I had on my first date with Lauren.

“God. She’s beautiful.”

If I were to honour the truth within myself and to acknowledge my feelings without restraint or embellishment. I think I would honestly admit to being in love.

What I’m not sure about however, is .. can she love me back?

This is the problem I am having to deal with at the moment. Coming from those dates, and with Lauren had me developing a misogynistic view of women. That they couldn’t be trusted. That I could never allow myself to be as honest and forthcoming as I want to be in fear of making myself vulnerable and ripe for exploitation. That I would be perceived as weak and childishly naive.

That I would inevitably be made to suffer, and to feel pain by allowing myself to speak the truth of my heart.

There was something magical about that evening. It’s rare to have those occurrences where two complete strangers open themselves up so nakedly with shining eyes brimming of promise. At least for me it is.

I remember not expecting much, prior to the date. I was a little nervous about making a good first impression, but I didn’t think this person would like me, for some reason. Or that I wouldn’t like her.

How wrong I was. At the end of the evening, as we sat on the curb -- Amy suggested we hang out the next evening. I was taken aback at first, because was she really that interested in me? From the way she elbowed me teasingly and the lingering hug that was exchanged between us, I had to confront and accept the possibility that this was someone who was willing to give me her heart in exchange for mine.

So, last night I was invited over to her place to watch movies. And if past experience had taught me anything, is that watching movies is a bit of an oxymoron when it comes to second dates. They almost always end up with the two of us in bed. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but it’s predictable and to my knowledge -- what women expect from a second date.

How wrong I was, again. In the hours that followed after I came inside -- Amy talked. She poured her thoughts out to me in such a torrent that I again became as overwhelmed as I felt after our first date. Her mother who needed a lung transplant and dealt with alcoholism; her past abusive relationship; how she was married and divorced; her involvement with the church; her spiritual beliefs.. she laid down almost all the cards in her deck for me to look at and consider.

What I am ashamed of admitting however, is that I could not do the same for her. I was hesitant. A little distrustful and again, overwhelmed at all this.

So, in my shame I could only call forth a distraction. I invited her to cuddle with me.

And then we eventually kissed.

What happened next, is something that still blows my mind thinking about. We MELTED into each other. There was something so heartbreakingly passionate that resonated between us, on a level beyond my comprehension, that I knew that this girl is something special.

And that maybe, if my overly romanticized notions do not betray my honesty -- that we are meant for each other.

Those kisses.. God.. I can’t remember.. No, I have NEVER kissed anyone like this before. Not even with Lauren. It was so profoundly tender, explorative and.. natural. It just felt right.

But.. I still have these terrible feelings in my mind that something will go wrong with this relationship. That it won’t work for some reason. That no matter how good the kissing or the sex is, it will come down to some variable that will elude my attention until it is too late.

And speaking of sex, she doesn’t want any. Not for the moment, at least. It’s so strange because I’ve only ever had one girl resist my charms and that would be Michelle, my first girlfriend who claimed to want to wait until we got married before having sex. Still though, she only lasted about three months before giving in. With the girls I’ve dated since, date number three is about the farthest it gets before sex happens.

It has only been two dates so far with Amy, and we already have another one scheduled for Thursday. So, I don’t know.. sex could still happen.

But something tells me that I should stop pursuing it. As lustful and concupiscent as I can be -- I should be mature and experienced enough to know that successful relationships are NOT based on having sex.

And I feel guilty for thinking about such things. Because now that I look back on my past relationships...

Amy is easily the nicest, most sweetest girl I have ever dated.

And I must NOT fuck this one up if I am serious about settling down with the girl of my dreams.

Girls like Amy are hard to come by. Around my age, the most repeated declaration among us single people are the words:

“All the good ones are taken.”

And, I must count my blessings for this opportunity I have been given. Meeting Amy is likely the most important test I will ever face. Will I adhere to upholding my honour and staying true to my feelings without worrying about being hurt? Can I put myself on the line for another person again? Will I finally get to experience mutual love that is without expectation or imposition?

Is this the girl I’ve been wanting to be with, for the rest of my life?

Or will I suffer in heartbreak once I open myself up completely to her? I don’t know. And I’m a little scared to find out.

But.. If ever there was a chance to believe in a God, or in finding my soulmate.

Now is the time.

Wish me luck.

state of the union address

Wow.. it's tough coming up with an idea for a post on here, but gosh darn it, I gots to post something!

It's been about two and a half weeks since I've been laid off work and I'm telling you, it feels great. Unlike days of old where I would spend my unemployment sitting around in my underwear and playing video games all day -- I've transcended such childish pursuits.

Instead, I am now totally focused on improving my quality of living. How, you may ask?

By spending money!

One of the things I've purchased which illustrates this point, is a new tv stand. I often find myself aimlessly wandering about stores with a keen eye on deals when I came across one for a tv stand priced at just $149.99. Ridiculous! Usually these things go for $399/$499 and you can imagine how large of a lump my pants produced when I flipped up the tag on a stand that I thought would look pretty good in my living room. I then had to drive all the way across the city to pick it up because they were sold out at the location I was at. Hrmph. 'Tis worth it.

My living room is transformed. Where the tv once was, was above the fireplace resting on a mantle, so you would have to sit far back and look up. Not anymore. I have it placed at eye-level and only about six feet away from me. Not only do I get a close-up appreciation of how badass my tv is, but I was able to set up a proper surround sound system -- something that wasn't quite possible with my old setup.

Then, there have been other things. Filing away my paperwork and sorting stuff into their right places. Dentist appointments. Car repair. All that good shit. In the two and a half weeks I've been off work, I may have gotten more done around the house than I have since the start of the year. How sad is that?

So, my habits have changed and I'm now this sort of neat freak. And oddly enough, it feels great! It's interesting how putting more care and attention into everyday living yields such an appreciable change in mood. I'm feeling more uplifted, more empowered and I can finally achieve my life long dream of building a nude statue of Erica Rose Campbell using nothing more than popsicle sticks and pieces of gum.

Dating is still on-going.. Not a whole lot to write about just yet, but there are some interesting contenders in the pipeline. One of whom I will be seeing tomorrow evening.

Mm. Guess that just about covers it. Sorry for this being boring to read. 

I don't care, and it feels great.

=)