I'm not quite ready to resign myself to the fact that it might be nearly impossible to excrete enough creative magic to put together a short story after work each day. Or to work on one.
It's difficult coming home from a twelve hour day, including commute time to sit at my desk and type away without a care in the world. My creativity appears to be tied into achieving a fully relaxed state of mind. Something that a hard day at work fails to provide.
I have in my MacJournal, eleven plot synopses that could yield fun stories should I take the time to fully realize their conception. But dammit.. TIME is always against me -- or perhaps I should say, my desire is the greatest obstacle that prevents me from doing what I want.
To psychoanalyze myself a bit, I often ask questions in an attempt to deduce the true reason why I fail to achieve anything of note during my work week. The first one is, what's the most important thing I do immediately once I get home?
And my answer is that I always NEED to have a cup of coffee while playing a game of poker before I can do anything else. That's followed by a shower, dinner preparations, tv slash internet time and preparing for work the next day. Sometimes I even fall asleep from exhaustion and find my leisure hours taken away from me.
That's usually how my typical day goes, but the real question is -- can I change any of this? Can force of will impress the change that I need to incorporate into my life? Perhaps. But the uncertainties continue to persist whenever I should deviate from routine.
For one thing, I am content with routine. There are no surprises, no expectations or pressure involved and it's feels.. okay, to just sip at a cup of Rainforest Espresso (Keurig, I still luv u) and smoke some poor saps in a game of Xbox Live Poker.
Yet, that bit of recreation often costs me an hour minimum of the four that I have available.
Huh.. It's scary to think that I have four hours after work to do stuff. It hardly ever feels that way for some reason...
Managing my time has always been an issue. I tend to go with the flow and do things as needed rather than pushing myself into tasks that I don't see the immediate benefit of. And this includes writing. But maybe I am completely wrong and writing is exactly what I should be doing after work each day. Fuck poker. Coffee would still be fine, but writing should be my ultimate priority.
But the lethargy.. fuck.. is it ever difficult to overcome. It's not that I am completely ignoring my desire to write, but rather I am short-changing my potential by prioritizing gainless, short-term activities rather than looking ahead to the place I want to be most.
On the cover of Playgirl magazine. I jest, of course but I do need to acknowledge the importance of realizing that every day is another opportunity to move forward with my goals. EVERY DAY. Each time I ignore this fact, is another step backwards.
This is why I like blogging about my thoughts. Putting stuff like this into perspective helps me a great deal in determining what action I need to be taking. It's obvious that goals are adventures that require a destination and a willing stride.
I am not going to proclaim that from this day forward, things will change to accommodate this new realization of mine, but I will acknowledge it. Each time I look over past entries on my blog, this post will be up there, staring me blue in the face and holding me accountable.
That's really all I need right now. An assuming of responsibility.
Anyways.. Back to reality I go. It's 9pm and I have dinner yet to be eaten. Now that this is off my shoulders, I am hoping that tomorrow will test the tenacity of the words I have written here.
My desire to achieve will be judged by no other than myself.
