Our hero gets out of bed at 11:30, still basking in the glow of being crowned Super Mega Awesome Poker Lord the night previous after winning 50k in a ten player tournament.
Fake money, of course. Otherwise I wouldn't be typing this.
So, yesterday was a date with Beverly whom I met on OkCupid and we were set to go to the zoo.
Only problem is, I am burnt out on online dating. I'm annoyed and frustrated at some of the girls that I've gone out with or have been messaged by. Look at who last messaged me, I mean.. Does she look like my type? You decide.
Do I really appeal to pudgy, East Indian women with huge boobs? Looking at her profile, I'm at a loss as to why she thinks we might hit things off. Girl, I'm white! Not to play the racial discrimination card, but really.. not only am I white, I'm skinnier than you and schooled in the decadent ways of Western civilization. There's no compatibility between us, save for the possibility that Lord Ganesha lives in my pants. Colour me ignorant on this, but I'd rather use the two hours of driving and having a drink/conversation to boost up a few levels in Call of Duty instead.
So, back to Beverly. She messaged me at a time when I was a hair away from closing my account. After a great date with Robyn the week before, where she later texted me saying "I don't think we would work out" and sending my notion of a "great date" out the window; I felt convinced that it was time to close shop.
But then, I did have this one girl left who seemed really eager to meet me. Despite my being brazen about how much the female species suck and that online dating favours guys with ripped abs and hare-brained profiles. For the girls, all they gotta do is lay back and watch the messages come in. Guys, however, have a much harder time of it given how fierce the competition is out there.
I told Beverly that I wasn't interested in dating anymore. And the only thing I might consider is "casual" which is a nice way of saying that I just want to be naked with someone one or two nights out of the week with zero responsibility and emotions involved. Of course, she wouldn't go for it, not that I was directly propositioning her, just sayin'.
She emailed me suggesting we do a trip to the zoo and I responded with agreeable indifference. I haven't been to the zoo in awhile, and if she wants to tag along, so be it. I didn't have any expectations going through my mind because I figured it was just going to be another disappointment.
How right I was.
Check this out:
(oops - she deleted her account. no picture available)
Anyways, Beverly looked decent. Despite her profile saying she's 5"11 and does Olympic Weightlifting. Again, my expectations were as low as they could go.
As I parked at the entrance, I texted her saying to watch out for a dorky looking guy with a hat and there she was.
Six feet tall and built like a fucking tank.
It wasn't even possible for me to cringe when I first saw her. I already had it in my head that this was going to be FAIL written in colourful flashing letters.
But it wasn't until I heard her talk that I realized why Beverly was having trouble finding a guy.
She IS a freakin guy! Her voice was something like Vin Diesel getting off a helium high and every time she spoke; people would turn to look at us. I'm sure most guys in this situation would turn around and leave, but hey, not me! After inspecting her for an Adam's apple (okay, she really wasn't a guy), I kind of had to laugh at how absurd this all was.
This was the perfect summation of my experience with dating online for the past few months.
Getting pictures of vaginas, boob shots, offers of casual sex, women who still live with their parents and don't own a vehicle, unattractive gals, ladies who aren't able to have any kind of a conversation beyond answering questions (those ones are brutal), promiscuous whores and so on.
In short, I don't know whether to laugh or cry at all this. I have spent half my life hoping to find the right girl and I tried so hard going out on as many different dates as possible with the most unlikeliest of people -- to see if anyone was worth pursuing.
I can tell you this. Not a single person was.
Just like Beverly.
We walked around a bit, shot the shit, had a few laughs and whatever. Despite knowing that I should feel rightfully embarrassed to be around this person, I didn't feel it in me to be disappointed. I was already prepared for that. There is no reason to be all high and mighty, thinking that I'm hot stuff while this poor girl is uncomfortable. No. I was as emotionally generous as I could be. This wasn't going to go anywhere, but that doesn't mean the whole experience should be awkward for the both of us.
As we chatted around her car afterwards, I was about to make my exit and jokingly pursed my lips at her.
Well, despite it being a mischievous gesture on my part, I guess I shouldn't have been too surprised that she planted a smooch on my face, which honestly felt quite nice to receive.
Leaving, I realized that it's always been my ego and expectations that has turned dating into such a chore. Thinking and hoping and wishing and praying for that "girl of my dreams" (tm) to somehow be around the next corner, just waiting for me to swoop her away in my scrawny arms. I mean, that's not what I should be doing. Putting pressure on myself..
Later on that evening, I felt for the first time -- a true platonic connection between myself and an attractive lady emerge. It occurred at Indigo, while I was browsing the graphic novel section and laughing at a compilation of romance comic books from the 50s.
The girl was short and cute with glasses and I simply asked what she thought about Scott Pilgrim. Because I genuinely can't figure out what's so great about the movie.
And then, a conversation emerged.
We talked about books, movies, the sexual appeal of the Twilight series, the Walking Dead, the viability of graphic novels as a medium vs straight-up novels, X-Men First Class, the Batman films, etc. It was this pleasant, twenty-minute exchange where I didn't have it in the back of my mind that I was talking just to get her number, or to ask her out.
I was living in the moment, enjoying the conversation and walking away once it tapered off after about twenty minutes or so. There was no, "want to go out sometime?" or attempts at steering the conversation towards a more flirtatious direction.
It was such a liberating experience. To be emotionally generous and not asking for anything in return.
But.. I do feel sad right now. I don't know what my future holds, despite Psychic Anna's suggestion that I stop focusing on relationships. Because..
I .. I really do want to be in love again. I want to make someone feel good. Someone I can come home to, who is waiting with open arms and a ready peck on the cheeks. Someone I can kick back and unload my thoughts on.. and to listen attentively to hers.
Someone I can curl up next to on a sofa and watch episode 7 of HBO's Game of Thrones with, rather than sitting by myself in bed alone, with a laptop resting on my stomach as I plan on doing after.
This isn't how I want to be spending my life.. but.. I can't whine about it. I tried my best as far as online dating goes. Maybe it's time to take a break from all this.
But.. I .. really think I deserve better.
And thoughts of Lauren mock me on a daily basis once more.
God.
I am such a punching bag.
