Im tired of sex

Gahh, I'm starting to regret this whole sleeping with fat chicks thing I've started. I dont mean to imply that they are worth any less than the fistful of Canadian Tire money I have scrunched away in my wallet, but they're just a pain in the ass.

Which gives me a segue. The girl I'm "dating" is a gay man in a woman's body. I don't know if its something I fell asleep in sex ed over, but is it normal for guys to want women playing with their poopchutes? This girl apparently thinks so. Here are some choice quotes:

"how do you know you won't like it?"
"the last guy I was with LOVED it" (dildo)
"there's more erogenous zones around a guy's bum then anywhere else!"
"I'm interested in exploring, pushing the boundaries..."

after I said I'd probably would never want a pink floppy dildo up my cocoa tunnel and that I wasn't quite on her level yet:

"so when will that be?"

I have to constantly be on guard for an object going up the one-way street of my anus. Its not fun. What if she surprises me with a curling iron up there? There just isn't enough therapy in the world to get over something like that.

Then you have the complication of seperating sex from love which I find difficult to do. For me I realize that I have to want to be with the person if I'm going to let them touch my naughty bits. So you have this relationship which is like this completely boring thing that only gets interesting during sex, but once thats done, then what? You massacre millions of friendly sperm people, put your pants on and go home.

Now is this really worth it? I rarely feel happy about the two minutes it takes for me to get off but even though this is completely 100% free no-strings sex, I don't know if its even worth it. After I'm done, I just end up feeling guilty about it, even though I'm pretty damn sure I'm the victim here.

So I'm starting to think of how I can comfortably dissolve this 'relationship' without any hard feelings. Its a little hard to do when you have text messages like these coming to you at all hours of the day:

"you totally want me"
"morning, did you sleep well?"
"are you thinking of my boobs?"
"can you come over right now?"
"Oh good. Iwill get out the lube ;)"
"I don't have aids you stupid homo"

It also doesn't seem to matter what I write back half the time. At one point I suggested rather diplomatically that she get off on a large vegetable of her choice. But it appears that an English cucumber is no match for my tiny pencil-sized penis.

I realize she's lonely, sad and wants companionship as I do but not having any chemistry with someone just makes it awkward and weird. The fact that she's very open about shoving things up my ass just makes it even more uncomfortable when I try to splooge on her boobs without feeling like I'm degrading her.

I wish I could say she's a nice person, but some of her mannerisms just reeks of privilege and expecting people to do all the work. Its not fun giving her a foot massage that she says "you're really good at it" and getting a woefully mediocre one in return. I also feel like such an idiot when I'm laying in her bed and she says "you are so sexy... I love the way your ass looks, I love how you feel inside of me..." and I'm stuck there thinking.. "uhm... you have nice hair". Of course she's a good looking girl from the neck up but I honestly can't find much about her that turns me on. I am so going to hell for this.

*sighs* I never thought I'd complain about having a girl wanting this much sex out of me, but but.. arghhhhhhhhhhhh. I think I'm going back to putting lipstick around the edge of my hand and making love to myself. This just sucks, and I'm only going to have sex with her ONE more time before I break things off for good! I think I mean it too!

"do you want to skip our first date and just..."

So add another feather to the overwhelmingly obscene looking headdress that adorns my skull.

I had sex with a very, very large woman two days ago.

There are those that can immediately be expected to give some wildly varying opinions on the logistics of fucking a fat person and there is never any shortage of amusement in debating this very topic.

I however am of the opinion that no one in this world is allowed to judge a person to be unworthy of love, sex, security, friendship, respect and the right to live.

But, among the superficial male of my demographic, the answer is more often than not, "there's no fucking way I'd put my penis in THAT." which I feel is unfortunate and speaks volumes as to the quality of that person's character and perception of others.

So on Thursday evening at around 1:14am, I had been doing my usual moseying around on the intranets when suddenly this girl I had met weeks earlier (on an online dating service no less), had messaged me saying she wanted me to come over and play with Mr. Floppy.

Now, a few days prior I was bored out of my skull with nary a plan for a Friday night and I thought "eh, why not take this girl out, she could turn out to be interesting. Even if she is like two hundred and fifty fucking pounds." so I called her up, we chatted and I was none too surprised that my sparkling charisma won her over (wink). So we set ourselves a little date to go to Schanks and watch the Oilers lay the beatdown on Dallas.

But apparently the patience required of her to wait an extra day was simply too much and thus she was willing to forfeit having to go to work the next morning if I would simply come over and nail her.

So, here's me, at my computer, reading the words "I just want to get fucked..." written by an obviously horny thirty-one year old (and depressed, and lonely, but lets not get into that just yet) and I leaned back into my chair and stroked my goatee in a very pensive fashion.

First I laid out the facts.

#1 - A free ticket for sex, no strings attached
#2 - She was fucking fat
#3 - Though she was fat, she was also very pretty
#4 - She had nice long curly red hair, god I love nice, long, curly red hairs
#5 - I hadn't ever had a one-night stand or anything of this sort ever happen to me before. At the very least, I could have an entertaining anecdote to pass around at the dinner table with family and friends while I talk with food in my mouth and waving around a giant turkey drumstick.
#6 - I had never met this girl in person before, maybe she's a complete loon. But who's to say I'm not one either :)
#7 - She is either a who-ore, or trusted me enough from our three online conversations and one phone convo to give me this offer.
#8 - Her bra size was 38H. yes.. I typed "H"
#9 - My to do list of things to do before I die includes doing it with the morbidly obese at least once.
#10 - I may never be able to look at myself with any shred of respect or dignity ever again if I go through with this.
#11 - What have I got to lose? (other than the aforementioned respect/dignity/sanity/etc)

So I went ahead and drove on over to her apartment. Yeah, I went through with it. She was waiting for me at the bottom and we were both talking on the cell which I would later find out to be the exact same fucking Sony Ericsson Z520a I had.

As we made our first eye contact, I snapped my phone shut and smiled.

She smiled back with the most genuine, awestruck and abashed little thing I had never seen before in my entire life. I was immediately flattered and we had not exchanged a single word between us yet.

Then blah blah blah happens, we go up, blah blah blah, she shows me around, blah blah. Wanted me to watch Shirley Valentine (her favourite movie) blah, I said forget it, it sucks and I put it Groundhog Day. We watched that. Then she starts kissing me and playing with my penorz. Blah blah. Finally we go into her room, she starts asking me if I like getting it up the ass and I'm like "uhhhhh nope!" then she starts trying to convince me about erogenous zones and being "completely open" with another person that you're comfortable enough to stick your tongue up their poopchutes. I was like "yeah okay, well, how about I just take a shit on you instead?" and basically told her it wasn't my thang. Still, my sense of humor made the most of a situation that could have spiralled into something even more awkward than the one we were already in.

Thankfully, it went quite well. I'd share the gory details, but I'd probably get the Blogger guys on my ass about indecent content ;) Still, no, there wasn't any physical difficulty in actually "doing it", I also didn't regret what I've done because I was the victim more than she was (*wink*) and the end result was really two people getting something they've wanted in the first place. Nothing wrong with a win-win situation if you can recognize it and not let your inhibitions and doubts throw you off in the assessment of such an opportunity.

I mean really. Fat people need lovin' too. I was happy to oblige a girl that openly confessed to insecurity and self-esteem issues and a general malaise that was prevalent in her life. Was I so wrong in giving someone like this a night to remember and perhaps smile back on? Naws I says. Perhaps anyone reading this who is quick to denounce the value of having a relationship with fatties will see that judging someone by physical appearances alone does not make for a person of integrity and worthy of much respect. There are slobs, and then there's everybody else. I dont think this girl meant to let herself get that large and she seemed somewhat remorseful of her condition which to me, is exactly the mindset I was expecting of her.

And thats that. The wonderful story of my making love to the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man. Gawd, the most memorable thing I took from that experience was the sounds of flesh slapping. Harughgmmggpph *clears throat* its something that may haunt my dreams for weeks to come.

THWLAP. THWLAP. THWLAP.

well excuuuuuuuuse me Princess!

(ooops... I suck at the internet ) ------------------------>

wow, its only been ten years since my last post, I almost couldn't see this page with all the cobwebs covering it. *sprays pesticide on monitor*

all three (maybe four) of you are probably raising their devils horns in the air with great triumph, as should be. But for those that aren't, here is a transcript between my cousin and I (yes its sort of a cheap bribe). In this conversation I've had on ICQ, it can only be supposed that we are either a) completely delusional and need to be locked up or b) the most important philosophers since Socrates and Plato. We generally go off on existentialism, horny dolphins and FLYING ENERGY BEINGS!!!111

This all hapenned shortly after we both watched an analysis of NASA footage (2 parts) that some guy pointed out UFOs in and he brings up all these interesting ideas that it completely blew back the hair on our heads, except for the last part, that part sucked. I also felt my penis move, in a three-hunded sixty degree axis, that only happens when Im REALLY excited about something.

Uhm, the grade-school mangling of the English language is completely intentional. Also, he's Polish which makes him not nearly half as smart as I am. (sorry man, haha)

In case you feel ripped off and want a refund, here's tourettesguy, be sure to check out the M&M one. "let me tell you about a porcupine's balls, they're small and he don't give a SHIT!"

I know, its been a long while since that last post. Hopefully I'll start having the good sense to find something stupid to talk about and run over to the blog. Kind of like taking a sweaty dump if you will. Call it blogstipation. I was blogstipated. There, that feels better. *flushes the intraweb toilet*

Till next time...

my eyes bleed cathrode-rays...

showtime!!

so I've been sitting on my lazy unemployed ass (yes this is a good thing) for the past week working my way through an imposing stack of films I've rented and "borrowed" from the intranet.

I am going to do these quick and dirty:

Muhammed Ali: The Greatest Hits Collection (7.8/10)

was he the greatest? after watching this, I can't really tell. Sure he punk'd Forman with the rope-a-dope and kept his cool against a ridicuously hopped-up Joe Frazier, but is he the best boxer that ever lived? I'd have to say no. None of the three fights on this disc (Liston / Forman / Frazier) ended with Ali sending a dude for a nap on the canvas. The Liston fight was stopped because the guy looked like a bloody steak, Forman lost because he didnt put his gloves above his waist during his standing eight-count and the doc pulled Frazier out of the match. Was he the greatest? I think he's a bit overrated. Put Ali in with Rocky Marciano, Lennox Lewis or maybe even...





Nikolai Valuev.

..and lets see how far the rope-a-dope takes him there. I don't think a seven foot tall, 330lb guy called "The Beast from the East" is going to let someone like Ali keep all his teeth.



A Dirty Shame (2.2/10)



this movie just plain blows. Its like they gave a drunken, sexually-frustrated village idiot full reigns of a multi-million dollar film. Its about small town hicks who after they've had a concussion become sexualy ravaneous. I admit the plot sounded interesting, with Selma Blair sporting funbags larger than the tires on my truck, but dear God is this ever a stinker. Avoid at all costs. Not even Johnny Knoxville can save this wretched garbage.

This is also the perfect film for me to seperate the men from the boys when it comes to reviewers. For instance, Martin Scribbs writes: "A Dirty Shame, a very funny movie, overcomes its limitations by playing to director John Waters' strengths."

I plan on waiting for Martin Scribbs to show up at my door so I can kick his ass.


Fahrenheit 451 (2.7/10)



In a future, not too far away, we'll still be using rotary-dial telephones. Yeah, I can't believe Ray Bradbury gave some low-budgeted British production the thumbs up to adapt his book for the big screen. Most disappointing was seeing the "wall" screens which are supposed to be tvs that cover an entire wall. In the movie they're about the size of a postage stamp. And this is the future?

Plus you get bad British acting, props that look like they been purchased from the back room at Goodwill, and the look of the film reminded me of the awful Brit sitcoms we used to get on the public access network, "if it is no trouble, would you mind passing me a lump my good chap?" "why certainly, one lump or two?" "if it is no trouble for you, I would be most delighted in a single lump my jolly friend. Pip pip!"

Anyways, these are not the droids you've been looking for... next up...


Conan the Barbarian (8.6/10)



You can't go wrong with Ah-Nuld's portrayal of a slave rising up the ranks to become the most feared warrior of his time. This film works well with Arnie's heavy accent and "...the lam-en-ta-tat-tons of their women..." speech, well damn, that speech is just classic.

And what kind of self respecting male wouldn't want to nail hot vampire chicks, hack off the appendages of random people and become a king by his own hand? I'll tell you who wouldn't.







The End of Suburbia (8.3/10)



Time to break out the tinfoil hats...

Are we running out of oil? What would happen if suddenly oil was no longer a commodity that could be purchased? What impact would this have on the economy? On jobs? On transportation? Or more specifically, in the suburbs?

This is a fascinating "shock"omentary where the filmmakers try to get everyone to wet themselves with fear by the time the credits roll. I have to say, they do paint a very persuasive portrait of life after oil. Sure we'll be walking a lot more, have to work different jobs, restructure the retail sector, kill/cripple/maim whoever has a cornflake so we can feed our families, etc. But the big question (that wasn't answered to my satisfaction) is, will we run out of oil in our lifetimes?

While I'm not completely convinced there's a reason to panic, I do think a plan b should be set in motion. Also, if there is a great risk of us running out of oil (Hello China, whats that? you want even more oil?), then it would explain why the American government invaded Iraq. Maybe securing the oil refineries and having complete control over the region's exports is far more important than most people think. Its easy to paint their motives as being suspiciously arrogant, but maybe the US does have a good reason to kill thousands of innocent people :P

Total eye-opener. Watch this with your grandfather's pipe in your mouth.

next up:
Pet Semetary
Hostel
The Descent
Silent Hill

I need to make an important announcement...

balls.

that is all.

hibernation

finally got the layoff I've been waiting eight months for, yay! I'm freed from the machinations of big oil and its soul-crushing ilk. I can't express fully enough how it feels like I've been in prision for years and I'm released back into the wild. I mean you get the small cubicle thats supposed to be your room, you wake up and go to sleep at or near the same time each day, you see the same people more times than you see your own family/friends, you eat at a cafeteria with trays, and the smell and noise of the place becomes as natural to you as the whir of the furnance in your home.

I mean it just sucked.

Its a sad thing for me to see some random old guy at work pushing around a wheelbarrow, or sweeping up an area. I mean do these guys live meaningful lives? Do they enjoy what they do? How did they manage to survive this long doing manual labor? I ask questions like that constantly, and it really comes down to whoring your body and mind for money. It gives me new found respect for prostitutes, in that you do something unpleasant and CA-CHING! money in the bank. Are construction workers really that different? We don't get asked if we want it up the ass, or if we do group discounts, but we do whore ourselves out for profit. I truly do envy those that get up each morning with a smile and say "fuck, I can't WAIT to get to work today!". I had that feeling once before with my job as a hydrotester before the place got shutdown. It just felt like playing a videogame all day.

Still, just complaining about my job and work enviroment seems almost pointless. I'm lucky to have a job where I can work eight months out of the year and still make 40k. Or having a job where I'm shuffled from place to place, and meeting new people. A job where I can choose to either do next to nothing the entire day, or work my ass off if I so desire with few repercussions. In light of these perks, I guess my job isn't really that bad. But it feels like a last resort, a job that I do because I have no other options. I only have myself to blame for not looking at other possibilities out there.

Someday, my true destiny as a lifeguard on a nudist beach will assert itself.

So thats that. I've got a few 360 games to go through, books to read, stuff to pack and dozens of other little things to do that should keep me occupied during the unemployment stretch. And not to mention, spending some of that phat cash I earned.

Once again.



oh yeahhh

rising from the ashes

argh.. one more week of work left to go and then its time to sip pina coladas off my balcony for a month or two. Eight months of working out of town, in isolation, eleven days on, three (actually two) days off is finally coming to an end.

I must say, what the fuck?



I've never even heard of Nacho Libre but thats the coolest fucking idea ever. My gringo ass will be most pleased.

Anyone read up on Scientology? Thanks to Tom Cruise going apeshit on Oprah a while back, Scientology is in the spotlight after a long hiatus and it ain't pretty. I was first exposed to Dianetics at sixteen while rummaging through my dad's book stash and I flipped through a few pages, it got me hooked. For those of you who've read Dianetics, you'd know its pretty much the modern day Bible with like over 1,000 pages on how man can achieve perfection in his life. Dianetics was pretty much THE book that started the whole self-help book and tv phenonmeon, written by a man who previously published science fiction, Dianetics went on to make assloads of money and became a cult in its own right.

But whats interesting is that I've always held a naive view of Dianetics, when I read it, I didn't catch any sinister vibes, I thought it was an entertaining read with some seemingly well thought-out ideas. Little did I know that it was a malicious exploitation of the human condition, the yearning to improve ourselves and diminish our pains. L. Ron Hubbard is one evil fuck.

So today I came across this interview that was published in Penthouse (wtf, they have interviews?) and it just blew me away. Its an interview focusing on the son of Hubbard and his involvement within the organization and origin of Scientology.

It really speaks volumes about the guillibility of the masses and their desperate search for purpose in this life. Can we as human beings possibly be this disconnected to the world around us that we have to have someone tell us how to live our lives? I unfortunately have to agree that yes, we are that desperate. Look at how Hitler managed to persuade all of Germany to unite for a common goal, it takes a very methodical and ruthless person to become fixated in this mindset of accumulating power, no matter what the cost. What really boggles the mind, is how brutually effective propaganda and 'herd' mentalities are. Its a scary commentary on the human species to admit that when it comes down to it, our individuality and confidence in ourselves are often seriously compromised in the face of adversity, regardless of how irrational it is. And men like Hubbard and Hitler, have exploited this weakness in the human condition on a massive scale, with apparently little remorse for their actions.

It makes me sick.

I think organized religion is the most sloppy and haphazard way of achieving inner peace and acceptance of your place in the cosmos. Religion is a personal journey that is different for each person, and doesn't require that you turn your brain off and sing hymns every Sunday morning at church. Yes, we don't have to take any religion or doctrine at face value, no one religion can ever hold all the answers. And its very likely that no one will ever really know what the meaning of life is, or what awaits us after death.

Organized religion is like a box of puzzle pieces waiting to be assembled. Except that no one has all the pieces to fill out the 'big' picture. I think its up to the individual to ascertain which piece goes where into their OWN world view and not whatever delusion their peers or the majority supports.

Maybe the truly enlightened, are the ones that most ignore asking the big questions. Really, is the effort even worth it?

Life goes on.

the gods of rock are chanting my name...

For those of you familar with the magic known as "Guitar Hero", you may be interested in hearing that I have recently completed the game on the hard difficulty level. Meaning that I have only expert left to traverse before I can finally smash my axe into the floor and throw up the devil's horns in triumph.

I can't praise this game enough. On the expert difficulty, playing GH is almost exactly like real guitar. Granted you only have five buttons to press, but techniques like hammer-ons, pull-offs, power-chords and soloing all mimic a real guitar(check out 2:25) in ways that would make Angus Young cream his shorts.

Here's an amusing Classical Guitarist vs Metal Rocker sketch.



Hey, it could be worse, I'm glad I'm not one of these guys.

In other news, my job is winding down with massive layoffs. Unfortunately I am still unable to experience HiBeRnaTiON 06 as planned because apparently I'm too good of a worker to lay off just yet :P Why does God torture me so? I guess freezing outside in -32c weather is my destiny, and its certainly not fun having to go through six layers of clothing just to find my penis so I can take a leak.

And it looks like the Total Gym = Total Bust. As I have changed priorities. I am now eyeing a new guitar purchase, because to me, rocking is so much more important than having massive pecs that I can crush beer cans with.

Here is a picture of a prospective suitor. I can't wait for the honeymoon.

free as a bird

Eighteen freakin days. Thats how many days in a row I worked non-stop, in a small camp an hour north of Fort McMurray. And I gotta say its certainly given me pause for thought about the long-term aspect of it all. I can score myself nearly three months worth of rent by just working a seven-day week, which I think is a pretty damn good deal. I basically give up my body and mind for eighteen days to be used as the bitch puppet of a multinational corporation bent on supplying the unwashed masses with the liquefied, processed remains of ancient dinosaur bones. It all seems laughable in concept to me that we have yet to progress beyond a means of fuel that doesn't involve biological byproducts, but I digress.

I definitely do feel like Morgan Freeman in the Shawshank Redemption. I was almost tempted to apply for a job as bag boy at the local Sobeys, but then I realized that I already had a job, and I was just given a weekend pass instead. The only aspect of my job that is dissimilar to prison would be the lack of conjugal visits, I'm still waiting on a hot broad to spend a couple hours helping me thoroughly empty out the sausage pouch. And the small camp room, god, I think its actually smaller than a real prison cell. At least the toilet isn't in the middle of the room and it actually has a seat.

So I work with a lot of strange people (myself included) and there is much exposure to a wide variety of personalities and stereotypes that most people only see on their television sets. For instance, we've got the aging hippy who's fried his brains out on acid, got abducted by aliens and pees on the toilet seat (so his bathroom buddy says). The guy also has been a first-year apprentice for... over ten years. Apparently the many times he's been to school has resulted in him failing the course and thus, never advancing beyond the mere designation of a lowly first-year apprentice worker. Yes, Peter brings me much amusement and amazement at how such people can freely walk the Earth.

Aside from the joys of interacting with former Hells Angels members, barely-literate foreign workers, disillusioned grumpy old men and wife beaters my job has given me plenty to be thankful for. Okay.. wait I'm thinking.. I guess I'd have to say the money is damn fine, especially now that I've gotten a raise after kissing enough ass. The job also has given me back the appreciation of my free time. Coming home from work gives me about three to four hours to shave, shower, eat, watch a movie and take a massive shit. I then get up the next day at 6am and dedicate thirteen hours to the 'man' before I head back to do it all again, for eighteen straight days. Yeah, this is the life.

Sadly I must announce that HiBerNaTiON 06 will not be on schedule as planned. In the unplanned event of a massive labor shortage, I was unable to secure myself the expected pink slip as anticipated. I do however, concede that perhaps its for the best. I've been constantly avoiding the stress of working for so long, and not making much headway into personal progress that maybe the best solution is to just throw myself into it and grit my teeth. There are guys making over 100,000k/yr where I am, and I think its just downright retarded to pass up that kind of green just so I can stay at home and spooge all over the Xbox 360.

Hrmm.. well thats how its going lately, building up my empire piece by piece with bleeding hands and its something that has to be done. I apologize for the somber tone, as there really isn't much to get excited about, except of course, this:



Endorsed by Chuck Norris and a very hot Christy Brinkly, I now take a small step towards the complete enslavement of all humankind. The Total Gym(tm) is the means by which I will cause entire nations to tremble in fear at my ungodly pecs, yes, you know this is coming.

Prepare.