It Only Gets Worse

Before I began writing this post, I decided to look at the last one and realized that I came onto here to type what has already been said.

I hate it here. I don't like the food, the neighborhood, the place I am living in and... I'm unintentionally hurting my mother by keeping to myself. Not giving her my energies, my smile, my sense of humor...

There is nothing to smile or laugh about these days.

Earlier, I was looking at homes for sale on my phone. Anything to spark a dream within me. A log cabin somewhere remote with a woodburning fireplace and a decent amount of land. Couldn't find anything to excite my imagination. I then looked at places in Spain, in Poland, Finland, Czech Republic...

Nicaragua... Mexico...

Nothing. Even if I won millions of dollars tomorrow, I don't know if I could find a place I would want to live at. It wouldn't be too big, it would have a nice view, it would be in an English speaking community...

And... nothing... Nothing made me excited. My critical mind was thinking about how a certain home was too old, too remote, too small, too big...

I no longer feel like I belong here on this planet. I've reached that point. 

Yesterday I went for a birthday lunch for one of my cousins. There were about 12 of us there. My cousin Mark sat next to me and talked about his life... the amount of money he's making, the success he's having, the beer business he's running... he's getting married in Mexico next year and...

He's happy. Really happy. Him and his fiance held hands most of the time.

Good for him, except for one thing...

He doesn't know who the WEF is.

Doesn't realize what is going on in this world. Why handguns have been banned by Trudeau and who Trudeau is actually controlled by, including most of his cabinet.

Doesn't realize the censorship that is coming our way where we will NOT get to know the truth of what is really going on. Doesn't realize how many videos and articles critical of the "new world order" are disappearing by the day. Doesn't realize the extent of vaccine injuries. Doesn't realize that there is a psychological war being fought against us, admitted by our OWN government. 

Just the handgun ban alone should have given him food for thought. When citizenry are stripped of the means to defend themselves, it often precedes genocide and even greater tyranny being imposed upon them.

At this dinner, I felt disconnected from everyone there. Not a soul hasn't been duped by the lies inflicted upon us. I felt like I was living in one world and they were in another. Ignorance is truly bliss.

What happens when someone can spot evil coming from a mile away and has the logical argument or evidence to prove that it exists and is worthy of concern but no one around them are willing to listen to or head these warnings? What does one do when a cliff is pointed out ahead that lemmings are walking towards in a straight line but none will slow their pace to fully consider the danger looming ahead of them? 

I am distraught and disappointed and ashamed of many of the people that I know. 9/11 was one thing with building 7 "mysteriously" crashing down at free-fall speed without ever being hit by a plane but what happened in 2020 ought to be multiple times more obvious to the masses that it was an event designed to deceive and control us. 

Not only was it telegraphed with "agenda 21" and wargamed almost exactly how it unfolded just a few months prior to covid being reported in China but... the political response worldwide was absolutely strangely coordinated and hysterical... remember the death tickers on television? How many people were dying each and every day from this? Constantly in our faces.

I'm ashamed of most of the human race. On one level, I understand why some will not want to question the narrative being sold to them. On the other, it is everyone's duty to properly research and investigate such a bizarre situation. Lockdowns, masks, 15 days to slow the spread... ALL OF IT should have given the average person food for thought and an interest in seeking to better educate themselves on current events.

But no... people like my cousin after 3 years still does not know who the WEF is.

Unbelievable.

I'm tired... I don't feel like typing any longer...

I just want to go home.

Home to my eternal father up in heaven... to my eternal mother... and my eternal best friend... who understands and accepts me for who I am. 

I am the fullness. I am a child of the undivided light.

And I am sick of this place.

I want to go home.

Please take me home.  

Stumbling Blocks

Well, these are the times.

2022 has ended and with reflection, so much has happened in the last year that it is difficult to recall many of the events which taken place that has sowed fear, division, hope and prayers.. from the trucker convoy to the farmers protest in the Netherlands, the government reactions to those incidents, monkeypox...

It's all been so much to bear. 

It has been made even more difficult with the situation I am now in. Almost completely broke. Haven't worked in 3 years. Living with my mother who does not share my views, nor has any interest in what is really going on and spends her free time in front of the television or scrolling through cat videos on Facebook...

My reality is simple. I'm almost out of money. I cannot seem to find love. I no longer desire or feel capable of working at my old job and unsure if I could with the mandates in place.

I don't see a future for myself or for my country. I don't see the presence of God in my life at this time. I struggle to find reasons to be optimistic. I struggle to feel connected to the people I interact with. I struggle to find solutions to the crisis we are in. I struggle to find solutions for myself.

I struggle to see the point of my life looking back and noticing all the pain and trauma I've been through. The uncertainty. How close I was to paying off all of my debts but... I thanked God too early and... 

I've made poor decisions in life thinking I was doing my best. I dated a woman that was incompatible with my values for three years... three years of... distraction.

But there were moments of beauty and love and peace and bliss.

I don't know blog. I'm about as low as I can be without becoming homeless and living on the street.

I... can't even pick my own food to eat. My mother always makes something each day. Whether I'm in the mood for it or not and she often uses dirty dishes. Rarely if ever uses soap while washing them. Often puts greasy pans away on the shelf.

There is so much insanity in this world and I am living right in it. A prison inside of my home, my mind and this city that I absolutely do not want to be inside of which is so different than the place I was at before.

All I can do each day is... pretend. Pretend away the pain. Distract myself hunting for news on my phone, reading comments, watching videos hoping for some big event to happen like a solar flare that will wipe out all of our electronics or a pole shift or a catastrophe that will give me reason to hope for an end to all this suffering. Even if it means my own life.

I'm in a dark place. Where I loved humanity and had hope for my future, I feel the opposite now. I feel like... there's no point in any of this anymore. Is reincarnation real? Did I choose to be born at this time? In this body? This inability to hear other people well? This inability to find a loving supportive relationship? This inability to find my purpose in life? This inability to...

I'm tired of all this. I can write a list a mile long full of reasons and excuses for why I feel this way and I'm certain there will be many who will look at this list and nod with agreement.

And... I don't care to survive what appears to be coming our way. I can't find the silver lining other than to hope it all comes crashing down so that humanity will be able to "build back better" without the corrupt government and systems that have been oppressing us. 

Earlier today I was looking at a video about ChatGPT which is an AI program that can really do almost anything. It can write stories, come up with a business plan and summarize entire books into their key points. It is powerful technology and without a doubt our military and governments have something even more powerful behind closed doors that is being used without our knowledge.

ChatGPT confirms my suspicions that we are already being controlled by artificial intelligence. SkyNet is already here and active. We are in a war for our minds to accept communist ideas. To accept that a boy can be a girl and vice-versa no matter what age they are at. We are... being ideologically subverted and demoralized in the way that Yuri Bezmenov warned us more than 25 years ago.

We are at war but who is responsible? Does it matter?

The question is, how do we inoculate ourselves against this virus of the mind? How do we right the sinking ship? How can we do that with corrupt s-elections, corrupt politicians and an artificial intelligence that can censor whatever it likes on the internet that threatens the outcome being pursued?

We are both at war from within and from without. 

And it hurts my heart not to know what I can do to fight against it. To play my part. To realize my purpose.

I still pray each night but it has changed from how it used to be. It doesn't feel the same way. It feels more to the point. More uncertain. Sometimes I ask for release from this pain. Sometimes I ask to be given proof that I am being listened towards.

And there were moments in my life where I did see those signs. But not now it seems.

Not now.

I used to think I was meant to write a book and... I felt like it wouldn't be appreciated. I used to love writing my thoughts and now, not so much.

I feel like I've wasted my gifts. I feel like blaming God for not directing me towards where I needed to go. 

I feel like I might have had the wrong idea bout God in my mind all this time. Maybe he's impartial. Maybe God is really inside of each human being I meet and we are all linked together in a "cloud" that ultimately is what created us. For if we are creators and divine beings, this would make sense.

And... Nothing makes much sense anymore. Other than knowing that we are under attack and being corralled about like sheep by dark forces that we cannot see.

The best outcome from all this is everything will come crumbling down because distrust is growing stronger by the day. The worst outcome is the constant censorship and removal of information to the point where we will not be able to find the truth out about what is really happening in the world.

Menticide, they call it. Psychological warfare. Carl Jung spoke of his fears that humanity would develop weapons capable of causing massive damage to the human psyche. I think we are already there.

The antidote to fear is love but...

What is there to love anymore? When society is so fragmented, ignorant and... helpless... 

I used to love going for walks and looking at the sun. I no longer do. The sun is different. The winter is cold. The city I'm in feels hostile and oppressive and uninteresting.

It feels like everything I love is gone. 

I sometimes cry but... 

What's the point? Why dredge up more pain in myself? Why not numb myself?

I understand now why certain people are alcoholics and into drugs. To forget about the pain in this world. To forget their own suffering.

What future is there for me? Where can I place my hopes onto except for the accomplishment of a miracle? What would that miracle look like?

And... my imagination trips over its own feet thinking up unrealistic possibilities... although that is exactly what miracles are... they often elude the imagination. They just happen when they need to.

So, God... Creator... Heavenly Father, Holy Spirit, Yeshua the Christ and Redeemer... 

I could really use a miracle right now.

We all do.