The Inevitable Return

We're back from Cuba and boy, was it something.

A part of me feared it would be awkward. That there would be something along the lines of the Arizona trip where we'd fight or get angry at something and a big show would be made of it.

Thankfully, it only happened once, and it was resolved fairly quickly. Thanks to Fola and her sincere desire to put her ego aside and make peace.

It was decadent. Every day was unlimited food and unlimited drinks. Well, every day except for Thursday which was when we went with a tour group to Havana. Had ham and cheese sandwiches and a basic dinner, both of which were quite good, despite how low-cost the food was.

Cappucinos every day. Multiple times per day. Pina Coladas like a gushing spring in the ground bubbling up. I wasn't used to it and even on the last day, I still felt odd about how everything was all-inclusive.

And the trip to Havana was sobering. Cuba is such a poor country that I felt... this threat of ignorant entitlement lurking beyond the peripherals of my senses. There was this feeling of being an entitled tourist who gets to enjoy all the food and drink and beauty of Cuba without any of the drawbacks. There was none of the poverty in our resort which we saw copious amounts of on our drive to the city.

Fola had a conversation with our tour guide asking her what the rate of depression was in the country. Was there a lot of people with mental illnesses? She mentioned how Canada has 1 in 5 people suffering from a disorder and the tour guide shook her head saying that depression and mental issues was rare to find in this country. Despite the impoverished conditions. I found that to be quite enlightening and interesting to hear.

Despite the people living under such scarcity, they were happy. I could see the interconnectedness of all things as we toured about. How people were more connected to the environment and to each other. Firmly entrenched in the reality of their lives. There was little illusion about their purpose and meaning in life. For them, relationships and family were of the utmost importance. To them, simplicity and lack of material possessions merely brought about a humility that is absent from Western culture. It was inspiring to see such dignity in most of the people we saw walking around the street, outside their homes drinking among friends and working on their houses or in the fields.

And... now that I am back, I look at all this as a delusion. This... bubble of entitlement that we are all under the spell of. This consumption-oriented culture that demands fulfillment through money and status. Nice homes. Nice cars. Well-paying job and prestige. Taking vacations yearly to countries where we are lavished and treated like royalty.

We all want to be kings and queens in the west. Sometimes we arrogantly bring this attitude to other countries and demand the treatment that we aspire towards back home, with none of the hard work that often gives such reward for the prestige we greatly desire to obtain.

It feels strange for me to watch TV again. Tried watching Game of Thrones last night and couldn't finish it. Didn't have much interest. Tried watching season 2 of Cobra Kai, and felt my interest waning in the idea of sitting in front of a square in which images and sound are shown to me. It feels so superficial and ignorant of the reality in which we live. A culture of opportunity and blessings conferred to those that embrace it fully without falling into the trap of entitlement and delusion.

The reality is that we don't need to constantly strive for riches and to indulge our materialism. We need only to consider such gains as byproducts of living an authentic life that is rooted in humility. Such rewards mirrors the feeling one has while running a marathon. It is not the finish line that should excite and entertain us. It is the doing, itself.

It is the present moment. The here and now and not the future. Nor the past. It is the momentum of moving consciously from minute to minute and being appreciative of all that we have and who we are as individuals. Our sense of identity is integrated with the people around us. It does not exist inside of a bubble separate from everything else.

I've known and wanted this for a while. To feel connected and accepted and happy with who I am and where I fit in. But it's hard to realize such an attitude when one is struggling to find their place. To really feel like a part of a machine that is benevolent and generous and full of joy and wonder. I don't think western culture promotes unity in the same way it does in poorer countries. In those places, isolationism is a death wish. People cannot live without people. Period.

That was my biggest takeaway from the trip. I did have a lot of fun. Met some very nice people. A couple from England who both wore hearing aids and almost all of the Cubans we met were proud and noble and very grounded in their sense of self.

And... the connection I was having with Fola was strong at times. I don't know how much of it is going to change our relationship from here on out, but over there, we had our moments of bonding and coming to understand each other more.

It's funny how after two years together, we still have trouble figuring out who we each are. On the level of the individual and the relationship. Our needs and wants and moods are in a constant state of unpredictability and confusion. But, we are getting better as we go along. Learning more and more each day. About ourselves and each other.

Today is a new day. I felt strange looking at the stock market this morning. It doesn't feel right to have to place so much importance on the money I'm trying to make on there. And I'm not making very much. Not enough to feel inspired by. Just... barely keeping my head above water. Finances are rough. There is no work at the union hall. I have to... find a way to generate income without insulating.

And soon.

But, I don't know how, yet. Or with what type of work. My hearing is terrible. I can't communicate well with others enough to integrate myself into whatever job I may end up doing. And if it is a new job that requires frequent listening and communicating, I'm going to have a difficult time of it.

It is hard to feel confident when I can barely hold a conversation without straining to understand what is being said. And if it is at a job that requires me to respond to orders; I'm going to have a difficult time with that as well. Particularly if I cannot predict what my duties are to be.

That is why I suppose I like being in control. I don't like unpredictability because I want a routine that I can turn my brain off and perform without having to constantly react and pivot. It scares me somewhat, to be involved in something like customer service for example, where I would have to frequently talk to people and respond to what they're saying. I don't think I am able to do this with enough competency. It frightens me at times.

And... so, I must look for work that limits the amount of interactions I have throughout the day. A job that I can be left to my own devices where I am given autonomy and full responsibility for my performance. Something static and repetitive without any surprises.

So, I must be mindful of this as I move forward. Looking for work that is rote and predictable and within my ability to perform. I don't know what this is yet. I hope to figure out what it may be.

I liked working on an assembly line. I'm reminded of my time at IPSCO where I worked as a hydrotester. I didn't have to answer to anybody. My day was routine and predictable and enjoyed.

I don't like surprises when it comes to work. I don't feel confident in responding to them.

So... this has to be kept in mind.

With that said, it is a new day and a new chapter in my life.

I must be brave enough to write a meaningful page each day. To do something that moves me forward and not keep me stuck in the same place.

Which is what I feel right now. Stuck.

I must move. Establish myself. Cultivate faith.

Work towards becoming a better person and to find my place in this world.

To serve others and myself. To the best of my ability.

I pray for this to happen because it needs to. There is no other option.

Grow and evolve.

Or languish in uncertainty.

I know there is a path designed for me in this life. A destiny to realize. Something that was destined to be.

I must realize it.

Thank you Cuba.

You are an inspiration.

At Long Last

...We're going to Cuba today. I know, it's been a long time coming since I've been wanting to go since November of 2017. Fola agreed to go in February but didn't, and there were other times throughout the year and the year after that she promised we would go on this trip. 

A lot of hair pulling and frustration around this. I'm not putting in all the details of why we couldn't go before, but one of them is how she would get her pension money (over 40k) and then promise we would go. But didn't, because she spent it all. Same goes for her dropping over a grand on a Mystery school course and continuing to say that she didn't have any money for the trip.

Priorities.

But its finally happening. Like a Ron Paul meme, we're going to the Royalton Resort on Varadero for 7 days. 

I'm... feeling like this is a little anti-climatic given how I've wanted to go for so long and had my expectations and hopes dashed continually for various reasons or another. Mostly because of her.

I hope this will be a good trip for us. To re-connect. To enjoy the surroundings and to come out of all this with a fresh perspective on where we want to go once we get back.

I'm somewhat concerned, given that I remember Arizona all too well. The way she would sit by some random guy on the plane, or stand smiling in front of another random guy in Sedona. I have... insecurity issues with that girl and I hope this trip won't feed into these feelings too much. If at all.

I just want to be happy. We have such trouble staying in sync together but when we do, it's magical. Everything sparkles and we're reminded of why we're in the relationship. Because our connection is so damned good when we are in sync.

Hope this happens while we are there.

I have a lot on my plate to deal with over the next 7 days. Lots of thinking and goal-setting needs to be done. I have to find work. Preferably a job that I enjoy which pays decent wages. My future is in flux because 1) I don't like insulating and 2) there are no insulating jobs right now.

We have a pretty good resort booked for us. I'm excited about everything that is included. King size bed. Ice cream parlor. Jazz bar. Etc.

And dolphins, diving and a tour of Havana.

It should be amazing and I'm crossing my fingers that it will be.

Hard to get excited given what we've gone through together. But like any abusive relationship, we hang onto the possibility of "change" and to Fola's credit, she has changed quite a bit since we first met.

Let's hope it carries forward.

I came to a realization recently that she is... attracted to the best of me. The me who is satisfied and living a purposeful and meaningful life. I have to be able to reach that goal. I know I can. It's possible, in the words of Les Brown.

But, I have to try.

I don't know about my book anymore. Seems like all enthusiasm has evaporated once I met her. My writing itself has taken a downturn over the last couple of years.

That's my fault and not hers, but she certainly plays a part in my reluctance to push that side of myself. To get a book written and published that I'm happy with.

And yet, I feel overwhelmed by the odds of it getting finished. Let alone properly edited and published.

Feels like a difficult dream to realize.

Not impossible, but chances are that even if I finish writing the book I've always wanted to write; there's no guarantee that it will get published. Even self-publishing does not mean I will make a decent amount of money for all the hard work I'd put into it.

Hard work I already have put into it. 

Not sure what to do.

So, I hope this trip helps me regain perspective. Seems like the only thing I really care about these days is the stock market, and that's nothing to be proud about given how I'm not making as much money as I hoped I would.

No more EI payments, either. I'm on my own, financially speaking. I have to make my move. And soon.

Last night I prayed with earnest to be given direction and to plead for a safe and happy voyage for us. I don't like relying on prayer and I realized that it's truly up to me to contribute towards making this happen. All I can do is transmit my feelings and allow the divine plan to take place as it was originally designed.

That's about all I can do at the moment. Far as prayer and appealing goes.

Fortunately, I am not doing too bad at the moment, but I'm not doing that great, either. 

Life is a tricky and mysterious thing. I can either try and steer my destiny, or succumb to passitivity.

I don't want to be passive.

Living a good life means work. It has to be earned.

I'm going to try. I hate this complacency. This lack of purpose and vision.

I don't enjoy not being able to visualize a future with us together. Though she occasionally does.

She has more faith than I do in this relationship.

And it's all about surrender and faith and trust and love.

Sometimes I'm too scared to really believe in those things. To accept them. To accept her as she is and not constantly keep my expectations up.

I'm a romantic at heart. I need appreciation for my efforts, otherwise I no longer will make them.

We are so out of tune, but when we're in tune, everything is amazing.

Here's for us being in tune.

Off I go.