Weakness

Interesting. I'm a bit stoned and watching that "getting back with exes" show again on Netflix. What a crazy good show this is. You can clearly see the relationship dynamics at work, and really get to know what the baseline expectations are of a good relationship. And further, get to understand what is involved in maintaining a relationship and to propel it and make it grow.

Great fucking show.

I'm thinking a lot about Fola while all this is going on. All these things that she's done to me, all these times she's upset trust; made me realize that she didn't try very hard at building trust back up again. Or to genuinely try not to be antagonistic and contrary and entitled.

I really feel like this is a designed path for me to be on right now. Destiny. We were fated to meet and there is a particular lesson to be learned for the both of us.

She was on the phone with me earlier today asking me about what our "couple's goals" are, and I really couldn't think of much to say. My first thought was that she's looking for me to highlight the focus, but she is unwilling to respect my true reasons and expectations. I know what our goals should be, and she and I talked plenty enough times about my feelings on the subject.

I want her to become the woman I wrote about in my email. To change. And this actually should be her focus. To change. To become that person. Not for only my benefit, but for hers as well.

She is lost, confused, angry and frustrated. I understand the reasons for her feeling that way. And though I do my best to help analyze her behavior and to fill her with hope and reassurance; it doesn't seem to be reciprocated nearly as much.

When she asked me on the phone about how I can be of service to others, she said it in this accusatory way. Like, I am NOT being of service to others and that being of service to others is what I'm expected to pursue. So, she creates this expectation in me (always being of service to others) and then disagrees with examples of how I actually am being of service to others.

I brought up fostering as an example. Taking care of Sadie was a chore at times. I love that dog, I appreciated her company, but when she's following me all over the house and has so much restless energy; I get exhausted after a while. It really was a labour of love that I did mainly out of service to others. She didn't agree because it was a dog, and I should be in service towards humans, in her opinion,

I brought up activism as a counter. You can fight for policy changes, for vegetarianism, for fixing the environment and advocating for social causes, without directly being of service to another human being. Or to be paid money for any of it.

The implication here, is that Fola wants me to figure out a way I can be of service to others and also get paid. It has to be a path that she herself, is interested in becoming a part of or embarking upon.

That's the thing. She doesn't like my ways of being of service to others. And I don't agree with her definition, either. She considers organizing a vision-board party and charging people money enough to make a decent profit with -- helping or being of "service". That's not service to humanity I don't think. She would disagree and say it is, because the party would not have happened if she didn't arrange for it. And yada, yada.

She can manipulate perception all she wants, but the underlying truth is that she has no inclination towards being of genuine service to others. She's not passionate about policy. Social causes. Animals. Or the mental health care system that she is a part of. In fact, she wants to leave mental health altogether. Doesn't sound like a person who genuinely wants to be of service to others. Who leaves the job that allows you actually realize what genuine service can actually be? Who is more desperate and in need of assistance than someone suicidal or depressed or confused that is reaching out for assistance through the mental health system? Who needs help most? The person paying 100$ an hour for Reiki in order to feel "healed" after the pedicure they've had a half hour ago OR the kid who has no hope for the future and made an attempt to kill himself by slashing his wrists. Who REALLY needs more "service" in the two examples I've listed?

It reminded me of how lacking in integrity she is. She didn't think building trust is important. She didn't think she was responsible for the many break-ups we've had. She made many promises of things that went unfulfilled. Always trying her best, as she would tell me each time.

And it's not her best. I know it and she knows it. The problem with us is that she is focusing on the wrong thing. I've told her plenty of times before that relationships are what matters most in life. Who wants to be on their deathbed alone and unloved, but with a rewarding career and lots of money?

And who wouldn't want to be on their deathbed surrounded by beautiful people with smiles who genuinely appreciated the kindness and love showed to them over however many years? I mean... I know what I would choose, but her?

I really think she is missing an extremely important clue in learning how to reverse the situation she is in at the moment. She needs to focus on happiness. And happiness comes from the contentment one feels across the different aspects of our lives. Whether it's career, or finances, or health, family, whatever.

She is not happy with her career. Her finances.

Seems to care somewhat about her health. But stopped doing yoga for a few months now at least. Cut caffeine out. Good for her, I suppose.

Family. Well... no real contentment there I don't think. Except when she is with her sister. I think that Sade is the biggest source of contentment for her right now. Not even her daughter makes her feel as much or more, I believe.

And our relationship? Not much contentment here, either, I don't think. Well.. I might be wrong. I think she enjoys having someone to talk to. I think the sex is amazing more times than it isn't.

Sighs. Not sure what else to say about all this. Should've paused the show because I haven't been paying it attention since writing this, and I want to make sure I don't miss any of the developments these exes are having.

Such a fascinating show to watch. Four couples, really showing the pretty and ugly side of relationships. Demonstrating the potential we all have, and how to aspire towards realizing it.

I'm going back to watch. Feeling like a girl on the couch curled up with a blanket watching soap operas. It's kind of like that, but real-life.

Fascinating.

Edit: keep getting these revelations in my head as I'm watching. Realized that Fola is a bit of a control freak and so am I. It's hard to mesh when both people want to control different outcomes.

I suppose we're both stubborn. Although I have poured out my honest detailed thoughts and feelings to her, it doesn't gain me any respect or improve our relationship. It just feels like she enjoys the drama of controlling me. Using sex to manipulate me, as she had once admitted.

It's... Difficult to make this work when she doesn't think she needs earn forgiveness or to build trust. Even when I explain how she could do these things, she chooses not to do them anyways.

I realized that she probably takes all of my advice as condescending and egocentric. Therefore, she has to be in disagreement with me over most of what I say. Just because she isn't willing to swallow her pride enough to genuinely move us forward and towards our goals.

She knows I would support her. That I am supporting her with whatever it is she's aspiring towards, and I can't say the same for her. She didn't support my decision to foster. Instead, calling Sadie "stupid" a few days ago, and confessing her fears to me a few weeks ago about her being in "second place" because I have a puppy that needs to be looked after.

I don't see how we are going to work. Listening to the couples talk on this is eye opening. My heart melts at some of the moments they are having. Jeremy and Meg are my two favorites.

Really love this show. Now, back into it I go.

Edit 2:

Realized as I'm watching these couples, that my capacity to give love was the deciding factor in Fola and I having the intensity in our relationship that we did.

I know it's mutual, but I feel the scales are tipped to me and the energy and effort I first put in. She knows I have my walls up now, and instead of helping to remove them, she is building them up even higher with each created resentment that she is uninterested in resolving or alleviating. Just letting all her misdeeds pile up and compound.

All because she doesn't agree that forgiveness has to be earned, that trust needs to be built and passion needs to be routinely expressed along with genuine appreciation and respect for one another.

She doesn't agree. Argues the opposite, instead. We're supposed to naturally trust each other no matter what. No effort required. No demonstrations.

Naturally just want the best for each other, except when it's inconvenient or takes more effort than we are willing to give.

... I could probably type forever about all this. Constantly pausing the show. Worried that I might lose further revelations to forget about them the best day.

Although I wonder if I'm not going to care anyways, because I am choosing to settle for this relationship the way it is. I've set my foot down enough times. I've humoured and supported her enough. I've demonstrated through words and actions how much she means to be and how important I think all this is.

She hasn't done enough to convince me by.

I don't think she considers us important at all.

I think she considers herself important more than anything.

For no reason of merit.

Just because. She's naturally awesome and amazing to be around.

And she isn't.

Despite the attention she gets from people, there's not much depth to Fola. Nothing truly exceptional or unique about the way she is.

She's not more compassionate than average. Not witty, intelligent or perceptive than others I've dated.

She looks unique, I guess. Mixed race.

Doesn't fit in. Like me.

People do get drawn to that, I guess. She does talk well and knows how to manipulate perception.

Not particularly great at that, either, judging from how I see her act and what clothes she wears. How she feels judged by others and unworthy.

Hmm.

We're both flawed people.

I'm not one to judge other than to admit that I am unhappy with her and her negative way of being. Wish she would... Gain more awareness, somehow. More perspective. And... Wish she would respect and reflect upon the observations over made to help her in becoming more perceptive.

... Back to the show.

Here Goes Nothing

Sobering thoughts I'm having tonight, blog. Sorry I didn't update immediately after the last post. Lots going on and its hard to concentrate or want to write when I have a dog running around. Even while asleep, Sadie kind of put me on edge, keeping a closer eye on her that she needs to.

And that didn't help either, because once I left Sadie's line of sight, she would wake up and follow me around wherever I went in the house. It was... excessive, at times.

But, she's been successively adopted out to a family that I believe loves and will give her a good home. They're a military couple with a huge 7 year old Rottweiler dog that moved like Marlon Brando through a tub of Jello and about equally as jaded in it's facial expressions. The dog was like an old retired Italian gangster, probably 4 times the size of Sadie.

And they played. It was incredible seeing these two dogs feel each other out, and then watching Sadie goad their dog Reily into playing. Erika and Evan and myself were transfixed by these two dogs. Watching their every interaction. Seeing if Sadie would get along.

She sure did. Jumping on Riley's face grabbing paws on each side of his head; it was... like... a happy child wanting to play with a childless parent, a parent that gave up in having a child to look after and feel consoled by.

Sadie really filled that void in Riley, I think. This maternal bonding... This mutual dog agreement that passes by in a flicker. A suggestion to be best friends.

It was... beautiful. I'm really glad I ran into this family. The last family had two dogs and two cats, none of which cared to play with Sadie. Despite Sadie attempting to try.

Sighs.

Anyways. That's not the sobering thought I wanted to write about on here.

Nah. It's about Fola and I.

I realized that we hate each other. We hate and... pretend to love each other? Love each other on a deep soul level?

I don't know.

But we can't seem to easily separate from one another.

Circumstances and words and actions and the feelings they arouse, its so full of sychronicities and convenient timing. It really feels like a kind of fate that has to play itself out beyond the conscious level of awareness that we have. A limited sort, but we each share an intuition that transcends awareness at times with the interactions we often have. The dramas. The swinging from high to low, to high and low, again. A constant back and forth.

Stress. Stress. Stress. Not really keen on filling in on the details of what happened since I last posted.

I'm watching this show right now on Netflix about exes getting back together after years apart, looking for another chance to reignite old passions.

And... I tried imagining how it would be if it was Fola and I, separated after a year or two. Would either of us agree to going on this show? To win the other back?

I couldn't picture it. Why would she go so far as to try? She hasn't tried all that hard in the past when it came to demonstrating her passion and commitment to the relationship. Sometimes the passion part comes easily enough, but the commitment is harder to come by. Through words of reassurance or certain actions and acknowledgement and expressed appreciation of the ex as a genuine and worthwhile human being-- is very difficult to really demonstrate trustworthiness and reason to feel secure within the relationship.

She feels secure. I don't. Or perhaps I am completely wrong about that, but sometimes I wonder.

She doesn't seem to behave in a way that implies insecurity with us. I don't see her reaching for my hand to hold, or jumping into my arms for a hug without waiting or choosing instead to remove a coat, or shoes upon entering through the door. There's no cuddling at night that she instigates enough times to feel her insecurity by. She sometimes in the past said strange things that did imply it, but they faded away easily enough. Like, having to keep the bedroom door closed and locked at night. But, that didn't seem to be a valid, rational fear she continues to have.

Maybe she's getting over her fears. I'm not sure. Two years and a month, we've been together. That's a long time for me.

And, I haven't seen anyone actually "grow" into a different, more mature person during the time they've been in a relationship with me.

I am really ashamed of myself for having been with Gynger for so long. Longer than I should have. But I liked talking to her. And though I wouldn't have sex often, I was communicating unintentionally how unattractive she was to me. Her body, mostly. And it was true. I didn't find her body attractive.

That's the truth. And, perhaps the crime is in my...

No. I didn't mislead her. I felt that my actions and intentions were well-communicated and understood. I liked hanging out with her and getting the occasional bj and I had no desire for a romantic relationship. Or even a boyfriend/girlfriend one.

More like friends with partial benefits.

Sighs.

My being with Gynger for all that time was... was it time well-spent? Was it a mistake from the beginning for me to have... unintentionally mislead her all that time?

But, she did find a great guy after I stopped seeing her. I think it worked out really well for her that I left.

Same with a lot of exes that I've dated in the past. They often go on to find good relationships and marriages soon after being with me. I'm somewhat pleasantly surprised.

And... I watch this show with these exes reconnecting again, and I can't see this with Fola and I.

The rapport some of these couples have, the chemistry, it's nothing like what we have. We have something else going on. Some kind of weird level of vulnerability that we're each willing to commit towards being, but not fully and completely.

And... yeah, I don't know. Fola called Sadie "stupid" earlier today in text message. I thought that was unkind of her. Hateful and with spite. Although later she tried to dismiss it as a joke when I visited her in person.

Sighs. I don't know why I continue to write about this. Why I'm still with her.

Is she bringing out the best in me? No. Am I doing it for her? No, not as much as I used to.

It's so important to have trust in a relationship. I can't have it with her. I can't trust her to keep her word or to remember what my concerns and needs and wants are.

Or to take my feelings seriously about all the crazy things she's been doing. Setting up dramatic situations, and playing out scenarios that sometimes stack and cause me increasing amounts of resentment towards her. This feedback loop kicks in where I stop caring about her as much, and she feels neglected and unloved. Therefore, she creates more of these situations unconsciously. And the cycle goes on until we break up and realize in our absence how much we really want to be together.

How much we miss each other.

... My eyelids are getting tired. Almost midnight. Still watching this episode of exes and wondering why some of these couples broke up in the first place when they seemed so perfect for one another. Real soul mates or twin flames. But without using the terminology.

I don't know. Think I'm going to bed soon here if I don't crash on the couch. It feels liberating not having Sadie around. A welcome relief, to be honest. So difficult fostering a dog on my own.

Stock market is doing well. I hope I can make it to 60k in my porfolio to come ahead a few thousand from where I first started in September. Those many months ago, and such a darkness to be endured since.

Aphria is rallying like crazy. My average is at a high 18.88 I believe. It's at 14.21 right now. Big 10% days each day of last week till now.

Something is up. I smell smoke.

Now I have to figure out where to cash out. I'll be damned if I'll be bagholding and biting my nails for the next few months wondering if the share prices are going to return to these levels again.

Got to be cautious. I'm still unemployed and I am unsure of what my future is going to look like.

Maybe it will be with Fola, maybe it won't.

Wish I could think of ways in which she makes me feel good about myself, or about us, and I can't cite too many examples.

And I'm too tired to really think of any.

Off I go.

Good night blog.