Wiggle Room

So, Fola and I had another fight last night.

It was over some pretty dumb shit, like our last three fights were. Except this time, it was kind of sort of plausible that she had a good reason for reacting the way she did. Unlike our last fights where she couldn't even rationally explain why she was upset, no matter how many questions I asked her.

What happened? Well, we were watching some boring movie with Keanu Reeves on Netflix where he is this cop and this other girl sees "ghosts" or something, and eventually gets impregnated automagically by something, and then tries and convince her family/friends that she was immaculately conceived by a spirit.. Eh. Really bad acting + movie, anyways...

So, there was a particular scene with two guys where they both say "nigga" to each other repeatedly. Like, four times in 30 seconds or more I believe. I noticed this, and immediately started mocking the film because it was already written like shit and boring the hell out of me.

"Nigga, nigga!" I mocked at the TV, while holding Fola's hand and pointing out how absurd the writing was.

What happened? Well, she said, "please stop using that word." and immediately, it was like all joy and camaraderie got sucked out of the room. Whoosh! And this dark cloud descended over her. She broke away from touching me, and I could practically see this wall being built around her where we no longer were this single entity watching a movie, but two separate people.

Now, Fola is part-black, so yes, it's understandable why she would not appreciate my using the n-word, but in my defense, I was not directing it towards her, or expressing any kind of opinion on black people in general. I was mocking the overuse of the word by the actors in the film because I rightfully felt it was a ridiculous overuse of it so as to appear "edgy" and "gangster".

So, her wall went up immediately when I mocked the way the word was used and I became deeply offended that she was offended. If that makes any sense.

I mean, she should know that I had NO bad intentions in mind when I used that word other than to mock the film. Any normal human being should be smart enough to understand that. I've never used this word prior in her presence, and I find "nigga" to be slang enough that it is far less damaging than the other version of it, with the R at the end.

Not that I throw "nigga" around carelessly. I hardly ever used it. Except for a few times while I worked with black people who would call me "nigga" and I would reply back with "nigga" just because they accepted and "allowed" me to use that word as a form of greeting.

Upon further discussion with Fola, she says the word is okay for me to say IF I'm black. I was pretty pissed off that she admitted that much. So, because I'm white, I'm not allowed to say nigga. But if I was a black guy, it's okay? That's bullshit. That's reverse-racism, and that is censorship. And what is censorship? Limiting free speech. Controlling someone based on their skin color.

So black people have exclusive rights to the word, but not me. And not only that, but one of the actors in the film who bandied it about, wasn't even fucking black. He looked Latino or something. The hell, man?

It really bothers me that I didn't get a free pass with Fola over this. Not only was I wasn't using the word towards her, or her race in general; but she instantly got angry rather than try and understand why I was using it, in that particular context at that time. She also wouldn't explain why she got upset at first and I had to dig it out of her. Why the fuck should I have to do that? If you are being irrational, I expect to be given an explanation for your behavior and I, in turn, will explain to you why I am using that word in case you are too dense to figure it out on your own.

Censorship is control. And because she says its okay for black people to use that word, that just makes it even worse. So it's not even about the damn word itself, but about who is saying it. And if the person saying it happens to be white, then it's wrong. But if I was black, then it's okay.

Fuck off with that shit. Anyways, she left me in a sour mood and I went home shortly after. Even after a night of sleep, I woke up in the morning with this garbage still on my mind and feeling the need to blog (vent) about it. Seriously, I have better things to be thinking about than this.

I have to remind myself again here, not to live my life for another woman. No matter how nice I was to her, and no matter how I was massaging her hand, touching her, saying nice things and having brought her a Gustav Klimt bookmark; she still waved all that aside because I mocked a bad movie for overusing a "bad" word.

Again, fuck off with that shit.

I feel tempted right now to tell her just that. I'll say whatever I damn well please, Fola. Including the N-word. I am not going to be put under anyone's thumb. Especially people that have so little awareness and understanding of basic human intention, that being offended is the default reaction rather than to try and be empathic and understanding. Particularly when it involves someone you have been intimate and apparently want a relationship with. I'm not racist, what the fuck. I've always tried to be nice to her. To be considerate, caring, giving, loving.

Sensitive.

I admit, she had a bit of a case to support her point of view, since I'm not black I don't understand just how derogatory and hurtful the word "nigga" is. That's fair. But what is not fair, is the knee-jerk way she reacted and refused to give me the benefit of the doubt. And refused to try and be sensible about her feelings on the matter. To try and explain to me, with a level head, exactly where she was coming from.

She made me feel as if I was walking on eggshells, I told her. One of the things she first told me early on in our relationship, was to not worry about racist humor around her. She said specifically, "you don't have to walk on eggshells around me" when I made a comment about her being black and apologized for possibly having offended her. It was a nothing comment, and I was being vigilant and sensitive about her race; but she assured me she was not the type that gets offended easily and that I could joke with her about these things.

How wrong I was. When she told me that, I thought, "cool. I don't have to censor myself. I can be myself around her!" but nope. Fucking nope, I tell you. She wants to censor and limit me. And apparently this kind of shit is a deal breaker among other dealbreakers that I possibly don't know about.

It seems that public perception is everything to her. We once got into a fight about how I shouldn't refer to Native Americans as "natives" and its okay if they call themselves that (and they do, ie. Native Pride) but its not okay when I do it. So, I acquieced and told her I would call them "indigenous" or "first nation" people instead, like she suggested I do. That's fine. Except when we were out at the Witch festival thing a while ago, this one white girl there started talking about Native Canadians and used the word "native" to describe them. I did a double-take and looked at Fola for her reaction. She was unperturbed. So I had to point it out to her: "Hey, she said native!" and Fola brushed it away like it was no big deal. Looks like it was a big deal when I do it, but not when other people do.

Again, fuck off with that shit. I don't even want to get into the whole PDA thing she was pissed off about one time either.

That's the problem with a lot of milennals today I find. Over sensitive, but not sensitive enough to be empathic and rational at the same time. Just this knee-jerk reaction of anger is enough for them to go off of. Who needs rationality or empathy? It's almost juvenile, immature, and society appears to embolden people like that. Telling them it's "okay" to be upset and not rational. Or not develop thick enough skin to have words like that bounce harmlessly off of them in the rare cases they are used in a derogatory manner.

Ugh. I just can't... exorcise this anger I'm feeling right now. I am not the type of guy that likes to hurt people. I don't want to offend anyone who doesn't deserve to be offended, but I will offend those that offend others. That's my modus operandi. Anyone who hurts/offends others deliberately, has opened the door to being made fun of and becomes fair game in my eyes. You reap what you sow.

Anyways... I'm already feeling like Fola and I aren't going to last. Part of me is like, "this girl is my soulmate" and the other part is like, "this girl is not my soulmate, I can and do deserve someone better".

I don't know which of the two it fucking is. Maybe I just need to settle with a white chick who isn't so uptight and easily offended by me. Sorry, but I might say "nigga" again in the future. Not that I want to, but I am not going to put that word in my head of things to be "careful" about just because the girl I'm with doesn't want me to use it, unless I have black skin.

I think I'm doing a bad job of explaining my point of view in all this, but it generally comes down to intentions. Am I using the word with bad intentions in mind? No. The word wasn't even directed towards her or black people in general. The context of it was the bad movie we were watching and how poorly written/acted it was.

So, lastly, fuck off with that shit.

I deserved the benefit of the doubt.

No wiggle room for me, it seems.

What a life.

Onwards.

Arise

The masquerade has begun.

This last couple of weeks have been pretty.. well, intense. I can't really discuss any of it on here, but I should at least mention that things are on the up and up and I have found a greater purpose and reason for being. Really super proud of myself and how I handled the strangeness I've been experiencing lately.

I made mention earlier on my blog that there is a God, and now it is more true than ever before. Not only do I believe and *know* such an entity exists; I also feel more alive and aware for having made this realization.

People are in a constant state of evolution within themselves, I've observed. There are levels of development in which we pin consciousness upon. Some shitty things need to happen in order to reach these higher levels, and once you start making your way up there, then the signs appear. Synchroncities. Coincidences, and the like.

I'm incredibly blessed and fortunate to have experienced what the past couple of months have brought to me. This includes the breakup with Gina, a pivotal moment in time where I had the choice of falling into despair, or shrugging it all off and keeping myself fired up and optimistic about my relationship chances in the future.

Fola is not that perfect girl for me, I don't think, but she is very close. She certainly has the potential to be that person, and yet, I am unsure about where she will be taking herself and where her and I will end up. The future is so uncertain, and that is exactly how it must be, because when I try and fight against the current to bring about an outcome that I think is ideal; I often find myself straying from the path that has been set out before me. I simply am not following my life's purpose, when I try and brute force things. I can only simply be, and move on with faith and gratitude in my heart, hoping and knowing that wherever life takes me, it will be exactly the most optimal outcome possible.

I now have a greater sense of clarity within myself. I will not be going back to my old job. I will forge ahead with a new endeavor, whatever it may be, and I have quite a good idea of the next steps I need to be taking in order to make the most of my potential.

I feel free, but also, I feel like this has only begun. I am taking these tentative baby steps forward and something much greater than myself is looking at me from the other side, urging me to move. So that I will make whatever this entity is; proud.

I want to make it proud.

I will.

It has already begun.