Im tired of sex

Gahh, I'm starting to regret this whole sleeping with fat chicks thing I've started. I dont mean to imply that they are worth any less than the fistful of Canadian Tire money I have scrunched away in my wallet, but they're just a pain in the ass.

Which gives me a segue. The girl I'm "dating" is a gay man in a woman's body. I don't know if its something I fell asleep in sex ed over, but is it normal for guys to want women playing with their poopchutes? This girl apparently thinks so. Here are some choice quotes:

"how do you know you won't like it?"
"the last guy I was with LOVED it" (dildo)
"there's more erogenous zones around a guy's bum then anywhere else!"
"I'm interested in exploring, pushing the boundaries..."

after I said I'd probably would never want a pink floppy dildo up my cocoa tunnel and that I wasn't quite on her level yet:

"so when will that be?"

I have to constantly be on guard for an object going up the one-way street of my anus. Its not fun. What if she surprises me with a curling iron up there? There just isn't enough therapy in the world to get over something like that.

Then you have the complication of seperating sex from love which I find difficult to do. For me I realize that I have to want to be with the person if I'm going to let them touch my naughty bits. So you have this relationship which is like this completely boring thing that only gets interesting during sex, but once thats done, then what? You massacre millions of friendly sperm people, put your pants on and go home.

Now is this really worth it? I rarely feel happy about the two minutes it takes for me to get off but even though this is completely 100% free no-strings sex, I don't know if its even worth it. After I'm done, I just end up feeling guilty about it, even though I'm pretty damn sure I'm the victim here.

So I'm starting to think of how I can comfortably dissolve this 'relationship' without any hard feelings. Its a little hard to do when you have text messages like these coming to you at all hours of the day:

"you totally want me"
"morning, did you sleep well?"
"are you thinking of my boobs?"
"can you come over right now?"
"Oh good. Iwill get out the lube ;)"
"I don't have aids you stupid homo"

It also doesn't seem to matter what I write back half the time. At one point I suggested rather diplomatically that she get off on a large vegetable of her choice. But it appears that an English cucumber is no match for my tiny pencil-sized penis.

I realize she's lonely, sad and wants companionship as I do but not having any chemistry with someone just makes it awkward and weird. The fact that she's very open about shoving things up my ass just makes it even more uncomfortable when I try to splooge on her boobs without feeling like I'm degrading her.

I wish I could say she's a nice person, but some of her mannerisms just reeks of privilege and expecting people to do all the work. Its not fun giving her a foot massage that she says "you're really good at it" and getting a woefully mediocre one in return. I also feel like such an idiot when I'm laying in her bed and she says "you are so sexy... I love the way your ass looks, I love how you feel inside of me..." and I'm stuck there thinking.. "uhm... you have nice hair". Of course she's a good looking girl from the neck up but I honestly can't find much about her that turns me on. I am so going to hell for this.

*sighs* I never thought I'd complain about having a girl wanting this much sex out of me, but but.. arghhhhhhhhhhhh. I think I'm going back to putting lipstick around the edge of my hand and making love to myself. This just sucks, and I'm only going to have sex with her ONE more time before I break things off for good! I think I mean it too!

"do you want to skip our first date and just..."

So add another feather to the overwhelmingly obscene looking headdress that adorns my skull.

I had sex with a very, very large woman two days ago.

There are those that can immediately be expected to give some wildly varying opinions on the logistics of fucking a fat person and there is never any shortage of amusement in debating this very topic.

I however am of the opinion that no one in this world is allowed to judge a person to be unworthy of love, sex, security, friendship, respect and the right to live.

But, among the superficial male of my demographic, the answer is more often than not, "there's no fucking way I'd put my penis in THAT." which I feel is unfortunate and speaks volumes as to the quality of that person's character and perception of others.

So on Thursday evening at around 1:14am, I had been doing my usual moseying around on the intranets when suddenly this girl I had met weeks earlier (on an online dating service no less), had messaged me saying she wanted me to come over and play with Mr. Floppy.

Now, a few days prior I was bored out of my skull with nary a plan for a Friday night and I thought "eh, why not take this girl out, she could turn out to be interesting. Even if she is like two hundred and fifty fucking pounds." so I called her up, we chatted and I was none too surprised that my sparkling charisma won her over (wink). So we set ourselves a little date to go to Schanks and watch the Oilers lay the beatdown on Dallas.

But apparently the patience required of her to wait an extra day was simply too much and thus she was willing to forfeit having to go to work the next morning if I would simply come over and nail her.

So, here's me, at my computer, reading the words "I just want to get fucked..." written by an obviously horny thirty-one year old (and depressed, and lonely, but lets not get into that just yet) and I leaned back into my chair and stroked my goatee in a very pensive fashion.

First I laid out the facts.

#1 - A free ticket for sex, no strings attached
#2 - She was fucking fat
#3 - Though she was fat, she was also very pretty
#4 - She had nice long curly red hair, god I love nice, long, curly red hairs
#5 - I hadn't ever had a one-night stand or anything of this sort ever happen to me before. At the very least, I could have an entertaining anecdote to pass around at the dinner table with family and friends while I talk with food in my mouth and waving around a giant turkey drumstick.
#6 - I had never met this girl in person before, maybe she's a complete loon. But who's to say I'm not one either :)
#7 - She is either a who-ore, or trusted me enough from our three online conversations and one phone convo to give me this offer.
#8 - Her bra size was 38H. yes.. I typed "H"
#9 - My to do list of things to do before I die includes doing it with the morbidly obese at least once.
#10 - I may never be able to look at myself with any shred of respect or dignity ever again if I go through with this.
#11 - What have I got to lose? (other than the aforementioned respect/dignity/sanity/etc)

So I went ahead and drove on over to her apartment. Yeah, I went through with it. She was waiting for me at the bottom and we were both talking on the cell which I would later find out to be the exact same fucking Sony Ericsson Z520a I had.

As we made our first eye contact, I snapped my phone shut and smiled.

She smiled back with the most genuine, awestruck and abashed little thing I had never seen before in my entire life. I was immediately flattered and we had not exchanged a single word between us yet.

Then blah blah blah happens, we go up, blah blah blah, she shows me around, blah blah. Wanted me to watch Shirley Valentine (her favourite movie) blah, I said forget it, it sucks and I put it Groundhog Day. We watched that. Then she starts kissing me and playing with my penorz. Blah blah. Finally we go into her room, she starts asking me if I like getting it up the ass and I'm like "uhhhhh nope!" then she starts trying to convince me about erogenous zones and being "completely open" with another person that you're comfortable enough to stick your tongue up their poopchutes. I was like "yeah okay, well, how about I just take a shit on you instead?" and basically told her it wasn't my thang. Still, my sense of humor made the most of a situation that could have spiralled into something even more awkward than the one we were already in.

Thankfully, it went quite well. I'd share the gory details, but I'd probably get the Blogger guys on my ass about indecent content ;) Still, no, there wasn't any physical difficulty in actually "doing it", I also didn't regret what I've done because I was the victim more than she was (*wink*) and the end result was really two people getting something they've wanted in the first place. Nothing wrong with a win-win situation if you can recognize it and not let your inhibitions and doubts throw you off in the assessment of such an opportunity.

I mean really. Fat people need lovin' too. I was happy to oblige a girl that openly confessed to insecurity and self-esteem issues and a general malaise that was prevalent in her life. Was I so wrong in giving someone like this a night to remember and perhaps smile back on? Naws I says. Perhaps anyone reading this who is quick to denounce the value of having a relationship with fatties will see that judging someone by physical appearances alone does not make for a person of integrity and worthy of much respect. There are slobs, and then there's everybody else. I dont think this girl meant to let herself get that large and she seemed somewhat remorseful of her condition which to me, is exactly the mindset I was expecting of her.

And thats that. The wonderful story of my making love to the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man. Gawd, the most memorable thing I took from that experience was the sounds of flesh slapping. Harughgmmggpph *clears throat* its something that may haunt my dreams for weeks to come.

THWLAP. THWLAP. THWLAP.