I can't take any more of this.
Everyday is the same. Same routine.
Get up, make coffee, smoke, look at my phone.
Go outside and look at my phone.
Get tired of endless noises and interruptions and go to the park.
Get noises and interruptions at the park, but not as bad.
Come home by 10pm to creaking floors, the sound of the bus going by every 20 minutes and sometimes interruptions by my mother.
I can't build up any strength living like this. There's no safe place for me to recharge. To nurture any optimism, to restore the peace I once had.
Can't feel good about the future. Saw this coming years ago and did my best to get out but failed.
Failed.
And now I'm in hell.
It's hard to care anymore at times. Thinking back to how I was is hard to imagine. That state of alertness and optimism and being at peace.
Loving myself. Able to smile easily. Make jokes.
Not much to smile or make jokes about these days.
I can't remember when it was but I thought April of this year would have to have something happen by then.
Otherwise there's no point to going on.
Praying doesn't seem to do anything. I can hardly summon emotion for it at times.
And yet my heart knows it has so much to offer the world.
But it is kept caged.
A prison within a prison inside of a prison of the prison.
At some point a choice is going to have to be made.
And I don't want to make that particular choice.
But what else can I do?
Typing these words into nothingness.
I can't seem to trust anything these days.
So hard on my faith. On myself.
And if I knew I was about to leave, would I make this blog public? All those years of entries?
What good would any of it do? Just make someone depressed.
So this blog really has no value to anyone other than myself and not even that at times. It can be cathartic and cleansing.
But... Tomorrow is going to be the same anyways.
No ways of building momentum towards any goal or dream or desires.
Don't have money to leave. Don't have a passport even. Barely any money for gas.
No friends. No assets really.
No point.
Stuck in this cage.
I can't believe the experiences I've had over the years where divinity revealed itself to me. In the form of coincidences and strange events.
I know there's a greater force at work out there.
I know there's a better place to be than here.
So the question of why are we here... well, thanks to a book I was reading, I believe I finally know the answer.
And I am sorry to say that it doesn't seem like I can complete my mission.
Not like this. Under these conditions. In these troubling times we're in.
Intuitively knew all this years ago and did my best to prepare.
But failed.
Failed.
They say not to ruminate upon the past but...
It's just a constant reminder of how nothing ever good really happened to me.
Nothing of an event that changed my life dramatically. That reminded me I am watched and loved and guided towards great things.
It's lonely being like this. In this house with a mother that... lives inside of a reality entirely different than my own.
Her behavior hasn't changed in decades. She's been like this her entire life.
I don't know how she does it.
And... my God... Do I ever need you right now. By whatever name you wish to be called.
Or whoever and whatever it is that serves your will. That can enable changes through needed intervention.
We are told to "raise our frequency" and I agree with that notion.
But in this situation, I can't.
I just can't.
I need you Father.
I need you right now.
Or whoever wishes to help.
Do not let my life be in vain.
Love me as I have wanted to love you.
I know not what to do.
My life is yours. I have screwed it up beyond the point where I cannot envision a way of repairing it.
Your will is my own from now on. If you serve truth, beauty, compassion, prosperity, justice and freedom.
Your will is my own.
My life is in your hands.
I'm so tired.
I really can't figure out how to get out from under all this suffocating weight.
To live the same day over and over.
I can't get my privacy.
Here comes my mother going downstairs.
Closing the laptop.
I'm done.
And I've returned.
She asked me why I went to Fort Saskatchewan yesterday and I told her I needed a change and was sick of the neighborhood.
She then says the neighborhood doesn't bother her.
Nothing bothers her.
She's in her room almost all day watching tv.
Then said she has ice cream in the fridge.
Wish I had someone I could be vulnerable around.
But I don't think they would want to hear what I have to say or how I actually feel.
Why would anybody?
All I have is Princess.
I don't know what I'd do without her.
I'd forget that I still love something in this world.
Because there's nothing else.
