Live has been interesting to me in the past while. My love in NH... Heh... Has written to me. An email. But that's really new as of yesterday so I don't want to talk too much about it until I receive a reply from her. It's been... Sighs... 36 hours since I sent mine along. I hope she got it and will write back soon. I really want to hear her voice on the phone and I refuse to be used or taken advantaged of. So... We'll see how this shakes out.
No Fola lately. Not for... About a month and a half now since that outburst of mine where I told her with complete honesty how much pain and hurt she inflicted on me. She didn't like that. So... A month and a half since I saw her last.
And that's fine. Because I deserve better. I have so much to offer the right lady. I know my worth and now understand the similarities between Lauren and Fola as well as the lesson contained within these two relationships for me to have learned.
And I hope I have learned it enough to progress to the next step. I'm ready as I'll ever be.
And... The next step has been a series of inches forward that I'm fortunate enough to notice and appreciate. Any progress towards my dreams and goals are very appreciated no matter how small or insignificant it seems to be.
For one day I had over 200k in my bank account because of GameStop. I didn't cash out at the peak because I thought we had one more green day ahead and we didn't. But that's okay. I know enough to trust the plan at this point and I did sell a few shares in the four hundred range anyways.
Crypto is crazy. My Cardano is going nuts. Staked too, and I'm extremely grateful. Same with weedstocks. They're going parabolic.
So what's is the end game? For me, it's no debt and six million dollars. Lena Paille. My mother happily retired and living in a beautiful new home. Justin and Seth living on a piece of land that I bought for them and my life being blessed with great service and purpose towards God. That's all I know and want at the moment.
And each of these are unfolding to me. In ways both big and small. I am truly blessed. Thank you.
There is an element of uncertainty to all this. Complete faith seems both easy and difficult to maintain. I find it easy to believe but it's hard to believe at times, if that makes any sense. What's the catch?
And maybe there is no catch. Maybe there really is an intelligence out there that loves me and is able to bend reality. Whether that intelligence is coming from me or not or a combination of something is anyone's guess.
And I don't really have to worry about the specifics. I just know that I'm loved and I love. That's all that matters. Right?
I'm alone. I miss not having someone to curl up in bed with or have a vulnerable, honest conversation but that's coming. I know it's coming, and I am prepared to receive it once it arrives.
I'm not out of debt yet and too, can be saddening but... I again know that it is not going to last. This too, shall pass.
My mother... Well... She's no longer with Chris after decades of being together. My wish for her to be happily retired and living in a beautiful new home is slowly being realized.
It's amazing, really. I sometimes want to grab a stranger on the street and tell them how good God has been to me and can be for others, but not everyone is able to receive this message. I mean, they receive it, but they don't... Allow themselves to truly believe it.
So I keep these thoughts mainly to myself. God to me is different than the God that appears to others. It's a relationship and many people are not taking it seriously enough in their own lives to cultivate anything of meaning, abundance, love and commitment to really bring out the best part of themselves that does not rely upon rigid ideology or dogma to sustain itself with. Even an atheist can believe in the God I believe. There is no leap of logic to be making when the truth of the matter is in plain sight everywhere one looks.
So... Anyways. I consider this an experiment. How far can I go? How high can I fly? What would it be like if Icarus had a time machine and could rewind himself back to the moments before his untimely death? Would he have gone as high as he did? No. And he would be in eternal bliss for knowing where the line rests.
And I feel like I am developing a good sense of where the boundaries are between myself and the rest of the world. Myself and God.
I respect the line and it is being recognized and reciprocated. I am excited for the opportunity to be on the other side of that line someday. To serve another as I have been served myself.
Yet, life is unfinished with many roads to drive before I reach each of my destinations. I feel it. I feel this so deeply that it no longer occupies my running thoughts. It's just there. A silent knowing of immutable truth contained within this fleshy cage of mine.
And it is truly wonderful to experience.
Thank you blog. Thank you Fola. Lena. Mom. Justin and Seth.
Thank you God and all the arms and fingers and toes of It.
Thank you David. For trying your very best.
Thank you.
