A Snake Biting It's Own Tail

 How would the future look like if we don't give our kids anything to get excited about? To tell them that the dream worth realizing is presented to them through a conniving media and is completely distorted and detached from the values we all should hold dear.

Justice. Truth, Beauty, Love.

Without these things, life would not be worth living. These are all stuctural beams holding up the bedrock of modern civilization and are the key components of individual and collective happiness.

Because when we feel safe, we can express the truth. When we can express our truth, we become beautiful and when we become beautiful, we express love and that creates a ripple that is felt to every corner of this earth even by those who aren't directly aware of it. They are able to feel it on a deeper and more psychic level.

I'm sorry my blog, for not updating as long as I have. I just bought a new laptop a few days ago rationalizing this purchase by claiming that I can't type well and effectively with the keyboard on the laptop I bought a year ago. And it's true, it was such a cramped keyboard because of that second screen on the top of it. It was a 14 inch too. This new HP Envy 15" has been such a joy so far to use. Although I'm not particularly fond of how clicky-sounding the trackpad is when I press it.

It has been a while, huh? I don't know what to cover. Still single, still alone and unsure of what to do. I'm still seeing signs about my taking a big risk and aiming to realize my dreams and... it's just that I'm not completely sure what the steps are to get to the realization of those dreams. Like, owning an acreage and buying a nice home for my mother... how would I be getting from here to there?

So... it's been a rather uneventful last few months to be honest. I think I did cover my trip to... Oooh, I don't think I did. My trip to Vancouver in May where I rented a huge white Ford Expedition that I didn't honestly need all that much space for and I went for a two day drive to Vancouver. Stayed at a couple of AirBnbs along the way and met with family members I haven't seen in a long time. It was quite an experience. Maybe I should write down some of the highlights while I can still remember them.

I started smoking cigarettes again once I arrived at the first gas station in Vancouver. I thought I would celebrate my arrival and unfortunately I became hooked again, buying almost a pack a day until around four days ago when I had my last one. So, that's been quite a few months of puffing on those poison sticks. I mean I love the buzz they give me but I also noticed that there's been an apathy that developed when I started smoking again. I started to care less and less about the world around me. We're in a pandemic, everyone has to get vaccinated, I GET IT. But leave me alone... I can't get the needle anyways. Heart condition, allergic reaction to one of the ingrediants and my immune system has been quite robust for the past several years. I can't remember the last time I was sick. It's so strange to see the news filled with talk about cases when I don't even know of anyone who has been sick enough for needing to have a vaccine to prevent it. I don't think anyone under 70 really has to be concerned about it.

Man... I picked a bad time to decide to start typing. It's almost three in the morning and I need to pray and get to sleep. But... I'm working on stuff. I'm hoping with this new laptop it will get me excited enough to begin writing more again. There are two things that are missing in my life right now that used to bring me great joy and that is reading interesting books and writing fun and meaningful and personal stuff. Reading and writing, that's about all I need.

And I was going to say "and a woman" but then wonder if that is even a good idea for me right now. I do want a companion I get along well with but I have to be honest and say that right now I'm not a man that has carved out his place in the world. I'm still unsure what my role is in the grand scheme of things. Even in the local scheme of things. But I do know that I have been watched and directed before and I will be again. When my intuition kicks in, and I embrace and accept myself for who I am completely and appreciate and engage with the world around me, then... life is great and a woman would only add to it.

Instead, I've been with mostly women who have subtracted value from my life. Maybe that is the mistake I have been making. I should demand a relationship where both people are interested in adding to each other's life and happiness by giving them all the gifts that love has to offer. Love is transformative and although I still haven't heard from Fola since December, I know she has been changed by it and is still changing from the experience she's had by being my girlfriend for almost three years.

It's tough sometimes to face those memories and figure out where I am to be held accountable for the failure of the relationship. We had it pretty good. I don't know why she was so ...selfish and flaky. Just causing problems rather than building anything harmonious. In the months since we broke up, I really spent a lot of time evaluating the relationship and my role in it. I don't think I did anything wrong. What attracted her to me in the first place should have been appreciated and paid attention towards rather than taken for granted like it was. She didn't care enough. Didn't water and fertilize the soil we were rooted in. Didn't want to grow together and become better people. Wouldn't have been possible anyways since she doesn't have a system of values that are helping to direct her steps.

This is a problem that is endemic in western culture. The degradation of our value system and the apologetic way we defend them from being infringed upon. 

I know this is me cutting it short and I didn't finish talking about my trip to Vancouver but I really need to get to sleep. I feel good that I came on here to write what I did. I do like this new keyboard and the more I enjoy doing something the more I will keep doing it and so I hope to be back here soon with a better update. Even though I'm the only person who reads this blog.

I think.

Hmm. Life is strange. The situation we're in is strange.

We can only laugh because crying is for those who have allowed themselves to be victimized.

And the strongest amongst us are rarely the victims of anything outside of their own designs.

May the Creator smile upon them.

Because this is the age of heros.

And we need an army of them to restore all that humanity has previously stood for.

Truth. Beauty. Love and Justice.

And a society that cares enough to cherish these things.

I can only pray that this may someday soon be the case.

Good night my blog.

May the hearts and souls of us all rise up in these turbulent times.

And may these men and women immortalize themselves through their battles.

The world is watching.

Chronos Trigger

It's been a while since I posted, my blog, and it's only because I accidentally hit the Blogger icon on my phone that made me consider posting.

Live has been interesting to me in the past while. My love in NH... Heh... Has written to me. An email. But that's really new as of yesterday so I don't want to talk too much about it until I receive a reply from her. It's been... Sighs... 36 hours since I sent mine along. I hope she got it and will write back soon. I really want to hear her voice on the phone and I refuse to be used or taken advantaged of. So... We'll see how this shakes out.

No Fola lately. Not for... About a month and a half now since that outburst of mine where I told her with complete honesty how much pain and hurt she inflicted on me. She didn't like that. So... A month and a half since I saw her last. 

And that's fine. Because I deserve better. I have so much to offer the right lady. I know my worth and now understand the similarities between Lauren and Fola as well as the lesson contained within these two relationships for me to have learned. 

And I hope I have learned it enough to progress to the next step. I'm ready as I'll ever be. 

And... The next step has been a series of inches forward that I'm fortunate enough to notice and appreciate. Any progress towards my dreams and goals are very appreciated no matter how small or insignificant it seems to be. 

For one day I had over 200k in my bank account because of GameStop. I didn't cash out at the peak because I thought we had one more green day ahead and we didn't. But that's okay. I know enough to trust the plan at this point and I did sell a few shares in the four hundred range anyways.

Crypto is crazy. My Cardano is going nuts. Staked too, and I'm extremely grateful. Same with weedstocks. They're going parabolic. 

So what's is the end game? For me, it's no debt and six million dollars. Lena Paille. My mother happily retired and living in a beautiful new home. Justin and Seth living on a piece of land that I bought for them and my life being blessed with great service and purpose towards God. That's all I know and want at the moment. 

And each of these are unfolding to me. In ways both big and small. I am truly blessed. Thank you. 

There is an element of uncertainty to all this. Complete faith seems both easy and difficult to maintain. I find it easy to believe but it's hard to believe at times, if that makes any sense. What's the catch? 

And maybe there is no catch. Maybe there really is an intelligence out there that loves me and is able to bend reality. Whether that intelligence is coming from me or not or a combination of something is anyone's guess. 

And I don't really have to worry about the specifics. I just know that I'm loved and I love. That's all that matters. Right?

I'm alone. I miss not having someone to curl up in bed with or have a vulnerable, honest conversation but that's coming. I know it's coming, and I am prepared to receive it once it arrives. 

I'm not out of debt yet and too, can be saddening but... I again know that it is not going to last. This too, shall pass. 

My mother... Well... She's no longer with Chris after decades of being together. My wish for her to be happily retired and living in a beautiful new home is slowly being realized. 

It's amazing, really. I sometimes want to grab a stranger on the street and tell them how good God has been to me and can be for others, but not everyone is able to receive this message. I mean, they receive it, but they don't... Allow themselves to truly believe it. 

So I keep these thoughts mainly to myself. God to me is different than the God that appears to others. It's a relationship and many people are not taking it seriously enough in their own lives to cultivate anything of meaning, abundance, love and commitment to really bring out the best part of themselves that does not rely upon rigid ideology or dogma to sustain itself with. Even an atheist can believe in the God I believe. There is no leap of logic to be making when the truth of the matter is in plain sight everywhere one looks.

So... Anyways. I consider this an experiment. How far can I go? How high can I fly? What would it be like if Icarus had a time machine and could rewind himself back to the moments before his untimely death? Would he have gone as high as he did? No. And he would be in eternal bliss for knowing where the line rests. 

And I feel like I am developing a good sense of where the boundaries are between myself and the rest of the world. Myself and God. 

I respect the line and it is being recognized and reciprocated. I am excited for the opportunity to be on the other side of that line someday. To serve another as I have been served myself. 

Yet, life is unfinished with many roads to drive before I reach each of my destinations. I feel it. I feel this so deeply that it no longer occupies my running thoughts. It's just there. A silent knowing of immutable truth contained within this fleshy cage of mine. 

And it is truly wonderful to experience. 

Thank you blog. Thank you Fola. Lena. Mom. Justin and Seth. 

Thank you God and all the arms and fingers and toes of It. 

Thank you David. For trying your very best. 

Thank you.