It's been a while since I last wrote you, my blog, and... I have been having realizations and strangeness going on since. It never ends. Fola and I did end up going to Waterton, and it was... the manifestation of a miracle I had asked for.
I.. now... am in this place. This... the veil is being lifted around humanity and yet I find myself entrenched in an illusion that appears to be of my own making. Believing that Fola actually loves me.
The trouble with this statement is that... just a short while ago she sent me a text about the things she loves about me. Now... she's cold and indifferent and says "thank you" when I said that I love her after two weeks of no contact while she was at a Shamanic retreat in BC.
And the... realizations aren't kind ones. One of them involves my not respecting who I am enough to be settling for a woman like her. At the same time, it is rubbing against this desire of mine to want to be loved. A desire that seems to be over a decade in the making according to my blog. Wanting to be loved and not quite respecting myself enough to feel like I deserve it.
And settling instead for lies and deceit and betrayal.
That's... one of the things I have come about to understanding. How can anyone love someone who does not love themselves? This... changes as well, as I go through periods where I do love myself and it shows in the most... elevated and beautiful way... Like... the world itself changes when I embrace who I am and where I am in life.
And that has always been complicated and difficult for me to maintain because I am not clear on what is causing these fluctuations to happen. One week is a certain way, the next is another and...
I don't like it.
Even now, as I texted Fola asking if I could call her on the phone, she says she is not in a talkative mood. And yet... I have almost always aquiesed to her request to call me. Because I want to please her.
And here is where she does not return the favour.
Sure... might be good reasons for it but I'm not mad. Just... well, disappointed to the verge of frustration that dances along the line crossing into anger, but not mad...
These emotions are within my control and yet...
I am a victim of them.
The days that I love myself... and the days that I don't... seems to depend on factors that I cannot figure out. I believe the same is with Fola. She says she loves me and then says something else to make me think otherwise.
Honestly, this kind of writing is pathetic.
I give her more power than she deserves.
I give her more attention than she deserves or has earned.
Very little is being reciprocated or sympathized with.
And that needs to change.
I feel that I am a good man. And I have some kind of problem with me that I can't put my finger on.
Was I not loved enough as a child? But... I didn't feel this yearning for love in my teens and early 20s.. maybe not even my mid 20s.
I think it started with Lauren all those years ago. She made me believe in love for the first time, really...
Although... it could even be with Michelle. My first girlfriend. Who awakened me to the idea of love... but I don't remember really being in love with her. More like lust and the feeling of being in a relationship for the first time. We didn't have much if anything in common.
And... thinking about this past month, I realize that miracles can happen when I put my mind and heart to them. But I am indecisive right now despite the successes I've generated thank to the machinations of the Creator and the blessings I have been given. Small and large.
So earlier today on my long walk in the dark of the night down a path bordered by tall trees, I posed a question to myself. What should the next miracle be? And... I feel something different in my heart right now. When I manifested these other miracles, the heart had a distinct glow to it. Now... it is... not a warmth but a presence. I find this interesting and of course, inexplicable and difficult to understand.
But from what I know of over the years, when my heart is vibrating or warm or feeling like it harbors a presence -- it often indicates an opportunity to make use of it or to herald an important event. Like it was when I met Fola... or the time when Amy broke up with me and I stared at myself through tears in the mirror and heard a clear strong voice telling me to keep my chin up. To wait for the right lady to come around.
So... I would like to experiment and request a miracle, should the powers up high and within see fit to grant one.
And... I'm not sure what to ask for. The world appears to be taken over by communism. There is... so much information and violence and resistance and propaganda and... lies... that it is incredibly easy to simply ask for peace. For I would like to be of service to the world somehow in this capacity. To come up with solutions to help others through this crisis. To prosper and thrive and become better people despite the many who ignorantly go about wearing masks. Even alone while driving.
And yet... I see people like that... or people out for a job with a mask on... and I can't help but feel a mild form of contempt for them. Why are they so compliant? Why are they ignorant? Are they fearful? What is going on in their minds to be wearing a mask outside with no one around when it is known that sunlight kills viruses and... just recently the CDC admitted that only 6% of reported deaths were from COVID alone. That brings the number down dramatically.
We are being played and... it hurts me to see people playing along with these lies.
And a part of me does not want to help the ignorant and another part does.
Another part really does.
And I think of my past life... how I once was and what I achieved and...
I don't know if the Creator wants me in that role again. I have offered myself up for this purpose and yet, the call has not been made obvious and straightforward enough for me to heed.
What is my destiny? My purpose? I seem only to care about the money I am making on the stock market. Although I am caring only enough to pay off my debts, I also have put out the request to make enough money somehow so that my mother can retire happily inside of a beautiful new home and for my friends Justin and Seth to be able to live on a nice property where they can pracitise homesteading and self-sufficiency.
But... What do I really want for my next miracle? What is easily achieved right now? What is most important and why am I leaning so heavily towards something that is self-serving?
To clarify, I am leaning towards the idea of having Fola wake herself up enough to love me again.
It sounds ridiculous and... my God... why is THIS what I want most?
Validation? From a woman that has caused me so much pain over the three years we've been together? Who now openly confesses to thinking about another guy? Who says "thank you" when I say that I love her? Who does not open herself up for a phone call despite the many times I've done it for her when I didn't feel like doing so?
Why am I so... obsessed with this woman? When many times before I wanted to be rid of her?
Why am I holding onto her so tightly?
And I can only answer that it must be because I want to feel loved. To have sex. Be intimate.
And yet she said to me earlier that we cannot be intimate.
She is setting the rules of the game in place here and it is not to my benefit and there is no agreement or consultation on my part.
No respect given.
And yet... I'm still wanting for her to love me like she claimed she did.
Despite her words, her action says something else altogether.
I suppose I want to punish her betrayal somehow... perhaps I have Stockhold Syndrome and I am loving my captor who punishes and humilates me.
That is such a shitty way to be. Although I have heard on a podcast with Matt Belair yesterday that Viktor Frankl of "Man's Search for Meaning" has himself mentioned that loving one's captor is how we transcend the hate in our hearts and evolve.
Perhaps this is what I must do and yet... I do not want to continue being disrespected and taken for granted.
I have so much to offer a woman.
But I must first offer that to myself... my life needs to come first before any other.
My purpose must be for more than to simply be in a loving relationship.
That... is not what I want the movie of my life to look like. This needy, sensitive, angry and vindictive and perhaps even manipulative person trying to get someone to love him.
It's pathetic.
So... perhaps I will focus on miracle #4 to be some form of transcendence from the wounds that I have been suffering since Lauren... or earlier... whatever it is that is making me feel so needy and insecure without intimacy in my life that I over-share and become more vulnerable than I need to be with someone who is unwilling to reciprocate and do the same.
No. I must materialize respect for myself. Love for who I am.
Admiration and appreciation for the soul that is within my body.
I have had miracles occur in the past. This heart of mine is a great teacher. Although it mumbles at times and I have difficulty understanding it; I always know that when it is feeling "filled" like it is right now, than it means that I am not alone. There is something else with me.
It is something that loves who I am. Perhaps it is my soul or higher self that is pushing that "notification" into my heart for me to be able to feel it.
Perhaps it is trying to communicate with me the only way it can.
Through emotions and feelings.
This would make sense.. and it is a fine fiction to accept in the event that it is not actually what the truth is.
But I think chances are good that it IS the truth. That these feelings are a form of communication with something of divine origin and purpose.
One thing I have learned from Gregg Braden is that the universe can only communicate through emotions. Perhaps this is my opportunity to express gratitude for the love that is trying to make it's way through. Perhaps I may answer it with a love of my own. Appreciation. Genuine, sincere appreciation.
And.. though there is such darkness shrouded upon the world, I must not lose my faith in the goodness of who I am and what I have to offer. And to believe that there is still good people out there even if many have lost their way.
Perhaps I must look upon the mask wearers not with contempt but with sympathy.
Compassion.
For who am I to be telling someone how to live or think or feel?
And that is a common problem in my life. That I do not respect the soverignity of those who I deem to be in need of rescue from their prison of ignorance.
Some people do not want to leave those prisons.
Just like myself... they prefer to love their captor... to feel that abuse is warranted on some deep, subconscious level... and... to not allow any outside force to upset the comfort that they have built for themselves inside of confined walls that they are fearful of leaving behind.
I am not much better than they are. I am in a prison of my own making, just as they.
I am jailed by a woman who does not have my best interests in mind. Or she rarely does.
And that needs to stop.
Thank you for being here my blog. Writing on you helps in connecting more fully with my soul.
I love you.
I appreciate you.
And only fear can destroy us.
It shall not destroy me.