Well, here I am again blog. Not sure why I've been taking so long between posts but...
Here I am.
It sometimes gets overwhelming with the amount of events and situations that happens in my life that I feel I can't keep up with it all. Much less blog about it.
Just off the top of my head:
Got laid off just over a week ago
Went to Montreal with Fola
New King sized bedframe and mattress to be delivered
Fola is "working" with my ex-girlfriend Lauren who she randomly came across without knowing
At Sleep Country while looking for pillows, I had an amazing conversation with a lady named Amber about science and geeky things.
Also on that same day at a different Sleep Country with Fola; We were serviced by one of my exes. Amy, who I didn't quite recognize immediately.
Registered our "business" a few days ago
And so on and so forth.
There is so much to deal with and talk about that I don't know where to start.
Oh, and Fola is moving in next month. Beginning of January she says.
We'll see how that goes.
Yesterday she drove me nuts. Was in a good mood that morning until she insisted we take my car to our counselling appointment. Yes, we are seeing a counsellor.
She gets in the car and notices that one of the doors isn't closed. It was the rear-passenger side and she was in the driver's seat. What does she do? Instead of letting me close it (because I was closest), she decided to lean back violently and reach for the handle (which was too far for her to reach, anyways). What happens? My seat flattens out and won't return to it's original position. Ended up breaking the handle on the seat so now it's stuck at a near-full recline. Great. We had to take her car instead.
I owe 860$ after my income tax return was reassessed.
Sighs. Again... I don't know what to talk about or where to start.
I think... I've been looking at Fola not as a girlfriend or life-long partner; but as something else lately.
An agent of chaos. She would admit to this as well, I'm sure. At least from what I've seen of her and the things she says.
For instance, a passage in this workbook she was going through had a passage highlighted talking about how it's good to destroy things in order to make room for new growth.
Yesterday with the car seat and a few other dumb coincidences; it pointed to this very thing. My world falling apart and being destroyed.
Yet, replaced with new growth. Maybe.
We'll see.
So much to talk about that I don't know how to start. Just going to repeat this over and over in a kind of bemused, annoyed and mildly frustrated sort of way.
Agent of chaos.
When I think about that, it puts her presence in my life in a practical perspective.
For instance, now that I know that; it is my duty to present the exact opposite.
Order.
I have to bring order. This means to take responsibility, organize and get my shit together.
Be more disciplined. More sure about what I want and taking the necessary steps to get there.
More inclined to say no to the things that I am asked to do or disagree with.
For instance... Fola...
Sighs... I don't like talking about her on here. I've talked about her so much that I dislike making yet another post with her as a topic.
But... this is what an agent of chaos does. They get into your head. They distract. They overload.
They consume you with trivialities so that the important things are more difficult to get done.
Focus is lost or distorted or misaligned.
Wrapping me up in her drama... daily dramas, is having a detrimental effect.
And that is because I am allowing it to have power over me.
Because I genuinely am a curious and inquisitive person who is interested in the going-ons of other people that I love and care about.
And even with those that I don't.
... I don't know what else to be writing here.
But I'm glad to be writing. To be making this effort.
Organizing my thoughts through the keyboard.
That's important. Even if there is nothing really important being talked about.
I think writing is a way of organizing my thoughts and polishing them up. Exercising these neural pathways and sharpening my objectivity and ability to be present and content with who I am and where I find myself.
Whatever shall be will be. No matter my reaction to any of it.
All I can do is to keep faith. Believe in myself and work towards that which I desire.
Despite all the distractions.
That's what chaos does. Provide distractions and temptations and false promises.
Sometimes it is completely ignorant. Despite my attempts to straighten things out.
Making me feel weak and powerless in the moment.
And if history has taught me anything, my moments of weakness does not necessarily mean that I am and always have been a weak individual.
I have had my moments of personal triumph.
I've risen to the occasion when pressure demands it.
I am still a passionate and good human being no matter how often I may feel otherwise.
Dead and drained and unsure of myself.
Still alive... still me. Even if it is caked over with layers of bullshit.
Still believe in God and in the goodness of others.
Still willing to dedicate myself in service of a higher principle and truth.
Still with faith.
Still with intelligence.
Still with charisma and humor and good things.
Even when it often it covered by the mud of chaos.
I am that I am.
And always shall be.
