I'm such an idiot for hanging on like this.
These conversations we're having are going nowhere. I can make an articulate argument and it gets ignored and tossed aside.
The question: "what is your main goal?" from her tells me that she does not know me and has no interest in paying attention to a question that I answered in text a day earlier.
I want to be in a happy family.
I want to feel loved and appreciated.
I want someone worth coming home to who feels the same of me.
Someone who knows that living together is the next most important step. Someone who WANTS to move in. Who is excited about it.
Not someone who keeps making excuses. Comparing me with her ex. Saying that she's concerned I'll take advantage of her because she makes more money than I do.
Or someone who says "listen to my meditation and I'll move in with you" but will provide another excuse not to.
Fuck.
Why do I have to listen to her talk about how I don't support her passion and how she is taking these leaps of faith with the things she does but does not have faith enough in this relationship to live together? Or awareness and honesty enough to see how I have been supporting her passions.
One day she'll say "I'm connected to the Pleidian race of aliens!" and if I ask why she thinks that, she'll respond with a shoulder shrug and a "I dunno" and WILL consider me to be an unsympathetic douchebag if I recoil in disgust and try to talk sense into her.
Oh wait, she did say that.
"are you going to rent a place, buy one or move in with me?"
"Idk"
Okay. She doesn't know.
She's... Not in her right mind about many of the things she does and says.
She is such a feeling creature. No logic, little facts, will invent shit and stir drama to propagate a false narrative. Usually so that I look bad when I express frustration at her indecisiveness and lack of integrity or respect for me.
She just wants magical things to happen and for her to feel good. Doesn't matter how. Doesn't matter what she needs to bring to the table or having to keep her word.
She'll joke about my buying her an engagement ring or say something like "I wish I could show more commitment to you" and the next week completely behaves in the opposite direction.
I notice her sabotaging this relationship and at this point, I'm feeling powerless to stop it.
Because I can't win a battle against an insane person. I can't... Make her feel responsible or accountable for things that she promises and says but doesn't follow through on.
I feel... This lack of care in defending myself against her false accusations. Not wanting to meet her friends? Not being supportive of her passions?
Just false. Sometimes it feels like a straight up lie when she ignorantly says these things.
Apparently the purpose of our relationship on a soul level is for her to step into her power and learn self love.
Her words, not mine.
That great connection we had? That instant familiarity? The moments of magic and synchronicity were all because she needed to learn herself, apparently.
This is the girl who when I met her had convinced her husband to sleep around with random people. Because she was absolutely certain she couldn't be monogamous and polyamory is who she "really" is.
I'm just a guy who didn't inspire her to be monogamous or to divorce her husband. I didn't inspire her at all other than to learn to love herself more and to "step into her power".
How far we've fallen from her calling me a twin flame or Gail calling her a twin flame woman. She'll ignore all that. These things don't fit the narrative she is looking to create right now.
She won't express gratitude or acknowledge my role in all this. I'm just a freak catalyst who is helping her to love more before she moves on to whatever other flighty whim she feels she should entertain.
So much for her fulfilling what I think is her soul contract. So much for her wanting to make our relationship strong and to express commitment towards it.
All that stuff about twin flames and living together and dream homes and trips was just to keep me excited and continue to invest energy into this person who by her obvious action (and lack of) is demonstrating that none of what she says is anything worth taking seriously.
Like being connected to aliens.
In a way I feel pity for her.
I want to help but I realize that I've given so much of my time and energy into a narcissist who is unwilling to learn from past mistakes and to develop into someone worthy of respect.
I can't respect someone who enthusiastically wants to move in one day, but changes her mind in a week because "angels" basically told her to wait.
Like I said, I can't win against insanity.
She is not in a right state of mind.
And I feel helpless. I want to...
... I don't think I can help her realize how important our relationship is. There's been enough indications that we have something truly special that deserves to be treated with care and taken seriously.
I've... Tried breaking up with her before but something keeps bringing me back.
I suppose maybe this was never supposed to last but there are important lessons to be learned. For the both of us.
She is going to forget all about this twin flames thing and will say that my only role is to have her step into self love.
And, her being the narcissist she is, will not have an explanation or idea for what role she is supposed to be playing in my life.
Why? Because it doesn't matter to her to be thinking about what role she is supposed to play. Or what changes she is supposed to inspire in me.
It's all about her.
Guess I'm banging my head against the wall and she is pointing and laughing as I do it.
Occasionally she'll make me feel really good to have me stick around and continue to bear the brunt of her ignorance.
I have long said many times on my blog that I feel true evil and sin comes from a place of wilful ignorance.
It is knowing that something is wrong or hurtful but deciding to do it anyways without caring about the consequences.
Without care or compassion for the other person.
She knows how much I value love and she is using it against me.
She is attacking me where I am weakest.
By promising things and creating expectations that she has no intention of fulfilling.
She wants me to believe that they will magically happen on their own.
If she breaks up with me, I'm going to feel sorry for the next fellow she encounters.
But who knows, maybe she will be a different person then. Not such a narcissist who continually invents drama and teases with a carrot dangling on a stick.
But I doubt that will happen.
I have a hard time seeing real goodness and compassion in her. She can't fake these qualities for long.
But she'll definitely fool the next guy for a long while.
And she'll probably even fool herself. Maybe she'll tell him he's her true twin flame and I'll be a tiny footnote in her life journey.
I don't see her as a healer.
I see her as someone desperate to be healed.
If only she would let me.
If only she would want to do the same for me.
Making love to her and looking deeply into her eyes is about the only time I can recognize the love between us and the beauty I see of her soul.
She is trapped by her ego.
And wants to change the world.
Whatever that means.
However that looks.
I suppose helping people with problems over Skype is her idea of doing that.
Forget what I told her about how I think a happy couple in love is inspirational enough to change the world on its own.
Just by being in love, we can show others that it's possible. That it exists. That there is still reason to have hope for this world despite how negative and bleak it has become.
Love endures and thrives like a flower growing inside of a crack in a concrete sidewalk.
No matter what, it endures.
And that has always been a beautiful thing to see.
