Sighs. Well, here we go again. Back to work after eight... wait.. 11... months off?
It's been so long.
Almost a year and I took a call for an 11/3 shift up in Fort McMurray.
Talking about it with Fola prior to leaving, I had tears of bitterness roll down my cheek.
I don't want to be here. This is not the life that I desire to have.
I don't enjoy insulating anymore. Being at the mercy of the weather outside. The tight spots with hot pipes and burn hazards, tripping hazards, loud noises, evacuation alarms, and... all that paperwork to fill out for every single thing we do.
Want to use a harness? paperwork.
Working at heights? paperwork. Also, we need you to wear tool lanyards so you get extra annoyed with using tools attached to ropes that easily get tangled and doesn't stretch out far enough at times to do the task required.
Paperwork. Inconveniences. So much red tape.
Sometimes it takes a couple of hours for us to even begin starting a job.
I don't like it. Yesterday it was pouring rain and in the old days, they would send us home or people would elect to leave and go, but not this place because our company gets paid for us to be there so we are pressured and intimidated and shamed into staying no matter how bad the weather is.
My pants were soaked. Had a rainjacket, but it doesn't do anything to keep water out from my gloves or going down the back of my neck or soaking into my boots.
Anyways... I'm making money again. I've managed to stop the financial bleeding I've been experiencing these past few months.
Still need a lot more to cover my debts.
And... Yeah.. I guess I do deserve this. I... couldn't... find another job. I didn't even.. know what that other job could be, other than a peer support worker but.. it didn't show up in the job bank.
Guess it wasn't meant to be.
Not now, anyways.
And.. I'm looking at the title of this post and... I don't feel like typing out my grievances.
Change of heart. Yes, I'm playing with being more selfish. I'm tired at the end of each work day and could use a lift from my girlfriend which I don't feel I get.
I... feel like she's more interested in talking about herself and what she's doing instead of me.
So.. I'm not all of my usual eager and inquisitive self. Feels like I'm her therapist at times and... it can be draining.
I need to look out for myself. I have been seriously... putting more focus on my needs and wants. I have to envision a possible future with a girlfriend. Without Fola.
She talked about wanting to move in, but still hasn't. Doesn't even mention it, really. Just talks about needing to find a place despite knowing that I've offered her to stay in mine for over a year.
It would've really helped me financially.
We had a big fight about this a few weeks ago that I haven't discussed on my blog.
She asked me a few months ago "if I moved in, would it help you financially?" and of course I said it would.
But does she move in or make plans to move in? No.
Just another tease.
There's no... commitment here...
Apparently I live too far away for her to make the sacrifice of driving an extra 15-20 minutes,
Makes me feel special.
I'm being sarcastic, as you can probably tell.
I'm also exhausted. So much drama with this girl...
Like... our website. I told her I needed a break from it because I felt like I was doing most of the work. I told her it's her website too, and she should be able to work on it as well.
What happens? Since then, she's done nothing on it.
Admits it too. Blames her family for taking up too much of her time.
But, get this! She was able to do an hour long podcast with some friend of hers, work on her "You filled life" Facebook group, and has offered to volunteer at some spiritual care centre twice a month and a support group each week.
I'm not even...
It's such a joke.
She was so enthusiastic about our business, but the moment I needed a pause and for her to pick up some weight, she goes off and does other things.
No focus.
When I am struggling financially, she doesn't think to ask or assist in any way until I make it explicit.
I mean... how much money does she think I actually have if I have ZERO income coming in for nearly 4 months? My EI ran out in April.
... Maybe it's my fault for not stressing the severity of my situation enough.
I don't know...
But...
I'm exhausted.
I call her pet names to cheer her up. But when I call her, she answers with "hello" and doesn't seem to care about putting a smile to the tone of her voice.
Can't joke around with her all that well either.
I try and open up about certain things that happened during my day or to share deep thoughts with her and they often get glossed over or ignored.
And.. she'll say things like... "I thought you already ate" when I told her I...
Fuck it man... I'm not going to air out all my grievances with her.
I need to look out for myself. She is not going to strive to make my life better in any meaningful way.
She offered to do my laundry this Saturday but... that's not the kind of help I need from her.
I can do my own laundry. What does she think? That I'll sit on the couch playing video games while she does it? I guess that's sort of nice, but I feel like a useless lazy prick if she did that for me and we don't live together.
I don't know man... maybe I'm complaining too much. Asking for more than I deserve.
But... talking with my mom immediately after Fola and I am struck by the differences between these two.
There's more warmth and compassion in my mother's pinkie than there is in Fola's entire body.
Maybe ... Maybe I'm not understanding something...
Live and let live... Maybe I'm holding her to a difficult to reach standard...
But then again.. I remember Georgina...
She had that warmth my mother has.
And I failed to appreciate it.
My mom liked her. Would've loved her had she been around her more.
Instead, I... failed.
Didn't.... put in the effort with that girl.
And... I'm putting in the effort with this one and I get stuff like "want to do a holotropic breathwork workshop?" at... 200$ a session when I'm fighting to get out of debt.
Now I'm just complaining and being bitter. Wishing my girlfriend was... more like someone else.
I don't know what to say about this anymore. Not sure what to do to make things better.
I've complained about poor communication a few weeks ago. Really went on a rant for two days about it to make sure she understood how important it was for me to know when she is on the way over to my place, and not to leave out important little details.
What happens? She comes over to my place and sits outside in her car for an hour. After telling me she was going to be there around 545pm. It was 7pm when I decided to say fuck it and leave the house.
Turns out she was on a "coaching call" that she didn't bother to tell me about. Didn't tell me when she was leaving her place either. So much for that 545pm date.
I get so frustrated with her.
... I don't know what else to write here.
I want my life to mean something. To matter.
And I don't think she is going to be able to assist me in doing it.
...
She's in six different directions all at once. Coaching calls, coaching sessions, witchcraft things, breathwork, podcasts, wanting to quit her job, not wanting to quit her job, wanting to move in, not wanting to move in.
I'm tired.
I'm exhausted.
My battery is low.
Off I go to sleep. Five more days to go before my days off.
Five more days.
