Had to read my last post before posting this one because I wasn't sure if I mentioned Cuba already. It's been so long and I'm surprised my sense of time is off and that it's only been a few weeks.
I... am ashamed of that last post. Reading it felt alien to me. This admission of terrible vulnerability and uncertainty and... calling Cuba an inspiration which lasted such a short amount of time.
A meaningful page each day... I keep telling myself to do things and they aren't happening. Would rather distract myself with meaningless things. I've noticed this earlier about myself and it's something I'm trying hard to be mindful of. This... reaching out to anything that takes my mind off of reality. Sex, tv shows, movies, video games, books... the stock market.
Anything. And time... feels like it's zipping by and I don't have much to show for it.
Yesterday I was productive and did a lot of work on the website that Fola and I are starting. It earned me some mild kudos, I suppose, but truthfully it didn't feel like she was all that enthusiastic about the amount of work I was putting in. She did like a few things I done, but overall, I hardly feel encouraged to really give it my best effort.
And I should. Why am I dawdling? Don't I think that starting a mentorship business would be good for me? For us?
I don't know.
Part of me is wondering how it's going to go with Fola as a business "partner" and that part of me is cringing, knowing all the arguments and disagreements we've gone through. There's very little we see eye to eye on and there most likely will be a situation that will demand a compromise, in which she is not going to agree with or work towards. Effectively, her calling all the shots.
I know I like having control over these things but I also know that I try to be reasonable and to find solutions we can agree upon. With her though, I don't have much confidence in resolving situations that could be challenging.
Think about if we had kids... challenging situations for a man who is hearing-impaired and unsure about the direction his life needs to go in? Kids would make it 3x worse.
Or better. I don't know.
Best maybe to not find out.
Then again, I was telling Fola about my time in school growing up. I had always needed to rise to the occasion whenever my marks were slipping or a teacher expresses doubt about a particular thing I've done or need to be doing. It felt like I've had to deal with adversity and surprised a few people here and there while having to do so.
Today was interesting. Ran into Carlos near Tim Horton's in the morning and chatted with him for a bit. He said he moved to the Fort from Bruderheim and told me his address. Went to check it out and then hung out in an isolated area for a few minutes. He shows up again. Almost like I've got a transponder placed by him onto my vehicle.
He then invites me into his house and says he's going to roll a joint. His dog is named Mopar, and the place is fairly run down and recently-moved in. Lots of boxes to be unpacked and most of them were car-related things. Like, remote-controlled cars of which he had thousands of dollars worth.
I don't know... I felt kind of sad seeing all this. Here is a man that is wanting to make a connection with me and I'm kind of ambivalent about the whole thing. I keep running into him and it seems fated for me to hang out, but...
I don't know. Seems like I'm afraid or not interested in having a deep connection with a stranger/friend/other guy/etc.
The reason why I'm introspective like this, is because I got high and barely made it home without freaking out at the buzz I was feeling. It got intense towards the end of the drive. Nicotine sure added fuel to the crazy mind-spinning sensation I had going for a few minutes. Glad I was able to drive safely and keep it together.
Now what... I'm writing on my blog... should finish my taxes and work on that website some more but I'm resisting it. Had some epiphanies about the direction my life is heading and I can't say I feel inspired by them. An ignorant demoralization seems about as best as I can describe. I thought about Fola and Ivy and moving in and how my mom doesn't seem happy about her being my girlfriend and I thought of her crazy parents and...
There's so much to deal with. So much drama.
No wonder I want to keep distracting myself. No wonder I feel demoralized at having to deal with all this.
Sometimes I don't feel like I can handle what's on my plate.
And there's not all that much on it.
I feel like an insolent spoiled child and I give in to moments of shame about it.
I can talk about what I should and shouldn't be doing right now but... the fact is that it is so difficult for me to focus on any of these things. I don't understand why that is. An erosion of confidence is about my best guess.
Erosion of faith. Lack of connection with who I am and what my potential is.
Not really moving towards anything. Despite the work I did on the website yesterday, those hours felt small and insignificant, though I know that they weren't.
For years I've wanted to write a book... And... I'm stopped dead in my tracks. Can't seem to muster the excitement and energy to do so, Feels like... nobody would care even if I did write it.
If my girlfriend hasn't asked me about my writing for over a year, why should I take her seriously now? She didn't care then and she is only pretending to care. That's... not being supportive.
And we had a tiny fight this morning as she left my place. I pulled out a coupon from the book she gave me for Christmas and decided I wanted dinner at my favourite restaurant. I decided on Pampa and she immediately complained about how I picked an expensive one.
Not much of a girlfriend there. Yes, Pampa is somewhat expensive and yet, the food is incredibly good. I don't go there often which is why I wanted to use the card as a reason to.
She apologized later for saying it like that, but still... damage is done. Hard to feel loved by her at times when her initial reaction is often the truest one. Everything after is a smokescreen.
I'm pretty torn about her and our relationship. It feels like I can't get comfortable with it at times, and I also feel like it's within my ability to get comfortable and to make it work.
But, I have to feel like she's wanting to make it work too. Trying her best.
Maybe she is. Although "best" is cliched and overused and has lost a lot of it's meaning.
I don't know... Feels like I'm suffering from a weakened connection with my spirit as well. With spirit in general. That has sustained me for a while and now it feels.. distant....
I still pray... but... I wished I prayed with more of a heart. Not this obligatory "our Father" that gets put out there like a script and a brief amount of "thank you" and thought afterwards before shutting it down and going to sleep. I'd like for it to mean more than it does.
I want it to be like it used to. Magical. Meaningful. Nourishing.
Not an obligation.
I suppose there is something to be said for loyalty, but there's something to be said for taking such a flippant approach to my connection with God.
I think it all comes and goes in waves.
I don't want to wait until I hit the bottom to really want to feel that connection and work my way towards deepening it. I want that connection now. In my good times and bad and in-between.
Not just when things are tough and confusing and uncertain.
These video games and distractions... ugh. I know Fola is going to call me in a half hour and ask me about this guy and what did I do today. I can't say much other than "this guy got me high and I fell asleep listening to music then got up, played some Battlefront and wrote a post on my blog".
That's not anything admirable or indicative of progress. Is it?
It's raining outside and... well.. it's gloomy. Planned on working on my garden today but that's not happening.
I need to lose weight. Need to find a job. Tried applying for one from the hall last week but it got filled and I didn't get it.
And... Carlos is wanting me to come over after work. But I don't feel like it. Would rather stay home.
Well...
Back to how everything is.
