... Kind of feeling ashamed of myself, blog.
I read over the last entry I wrote and shook my head. So dramatic. So much hurt and pain.
And yet... I took her back.
She has stayed with me here for just over a week. Took time off work and decided to spend that vacation time at my house. Why did she decide to do this? I don't know.
But it was a step.
Got to see what it would be like if we lived together.
So much has happened since my last post. I don't know if I can cover it all or even if I want to.
She's back in my life. She... came to my door one day with the excuse of her being "in the area" and that she didn't intend to see me.
I still don't get that part... I mean, she should have made an effort to try and get me back. There was hardly anything. Showing up at my door was effort, sure, but...
In the days that followed, she seemed to have really changed.
And in many ways, she hasn't changed at all.
There's something very strange about our relationship. I.., can't quite put my finger on it. I think we're both at the point where we accept that we'll be together for the rest of our lives and these break-ups and time spent apart are nothing more than speed bumps that cause us to slow down before picking up speed again.
And...
Yeah. She's back.
First couple days of her spending a week with me was interesting. She dressed up as a schoolgirl for me. Really helped with cooking and cleaning. Was more attentive and made an effort to be more affectionate.
And still.. I'm not satisfied.
I'm still guarded and defensive and...
I am realizing now that she is not at my "level" and that I am going to be turning 9 years her senior in a couple of weeks.
She's a child. A 32 year old child.
That believes in magic. Wants to believe in all that it can offer and do.
Knows that I'm somehow the key to all of what she wants from life.
And yet, wouldn't dare to acknowledge this fact. Or to honor it.
We each wrote each other an email describing what we wanted from our "ideal" partner. The stuff we both wrote was reasonable for the other to achieve.
I wanted someone who had integrity, among other things.
And yesterday, I was reminded that this is going to be an uphill battle for her to be able to meet all that I desire from an ideal partner.
Case in point, I made us dinner yesterday and she was appreciative and frequently thanked me for it. Saying before we ate that she would be thanking me later upstairs in the bedroom. Nice, right?
Upstairs in the bedroom, nothing happens. She didn't move in for a kiss. Didn't get to touching me much or made any attempt at being sexual.
Didn't live up to the words she'd spoken earlier. Hollow promises.
And she wonders why I get upset by her. That hypocrisy. That... habit of hers to go for quick and easy good feelings by telling people what they want to hear, and then not following through in fulfilling any of the things she says.
I've never liked people who did that.
And, I suppose, I am making myself out to be a hypocrite as well by taking her back.
Where is the faith in God that I have where I should stand strong and be firm about what it is that I want from a relationship? To KNOW that I will not settle for disappointment and pain and rejection and these negative things because there are better options elsewhere. To know that my dignity and my desires all rest upon how much I truly believe in them. In my being deserving of such things.
And to have faith enough to... Not compromise... Not fall into despair...
And to trust... Trust that higher power... that God up there loves me and is watching out for me and has a plan and path for me...
And... Sighs.
Stock markets are ugly right now. Where I once was excited at the line of credit I had been surprised with getting from my bank, I am... not doing well with my stocks.
It's bad.
I thought... I thought... I was being watched over, when that happened. I thought... there was going to be something good to come out of how things were happening to me around that time. These small coincidences and occurrences that made me believe something special was happening behind the scenes.
And, it's hard to be happy when you're down more than 20% on almost all of your investments. Investments that I deeply believe in.
And should continue to believe in, as I do with God.
For better or worse. No matter what happens.
And... Perhaps, stupidly, I continue to hold onto my stocks... Watching them fall each day. Believing that they will go back up, but uncertain as to when.
And...
I think about that one psychic reading I paid for, where the lady drew a portrait of my spirit guide.
And told me that there was a woman in my life who was actively trying to spiritually undermine me.
She was describing Fola, I felt....
This is why I don't feel... optimistic... whenever she tells me certain things.. Like, when she paints a future of us by promising moving in together, getting married, having kids, moving into an acreage, going on trips...
...Or having sex. Because... I see how little Fola values the worth of her words.
I see how unimportant it is for her to earn trustworthiness.
At the same time, I'm confused because she has done some nice things for me over the past while.
Had coffee ready for me in the morning. Made me toast.
... There is something... "off" about her.
I wonder if I am dating a version of myself, at times.
Had I been born a woman, and was around the age of 32, and was given... all the entitlements that she has had in life, I could see myself being a lot like her.
All smoke and no fire.
That kind of arrogant and naive outlook on life.
The sarcastic humor.
The insensitivity.
The grandiose fantasies.
The carelessness.
The childishness.
And...
She just walked in on me as I was typing all this in my office. Peeked inside and smiled and said good morning. Then ran in and kissed me on the forehead as I felt a flash of fear at her seeing these hurtful words I am writing about her.
These doubts I am expressing.
Sighs.
God...
I don't want you to abandon me.
I try... and I...
Don't know what to do.
What to feel.
Other than to do what I am doing and to feel only what I feel.
If that makes any sense.
I...
Suffer silently.
And...
I'm such a child myself, at times.
But. I think I am doing better.
I know I am doing better.
I am growing. Evolving. Maturing.
I am learning.
And.
I choose to have faith. To believe.
No matter what befalls me.
Even if it may cripple me.
Even if it may kill me.
I've seen so much.
I've been through so much.
Enough to know.
That forces out there exist. And they are intelligent and aware and...
Have certain powers and influences over us.
Over outcomes.
And events.
...
I just have to be patient, I guess.
And...
Believe with all of my heart.
That a good life is possible, for me.
And that I have a chance at creating one.
...
I also choose to believe...
That I am with the woman of my dreams.
But, must be patient with her as we each grow and mature.
Just as I must learn to be patient with myself, as I do the same.
Thank you blog... for showing me the error of my ways. To be the mirror that I need.
Thank you.
Signing off... And not sure what to expect with my day.
But...
I do expect...
I expect to be loving and loved.
It's all I can do.
