Back.

Well blog, I'm starting to notice things in my relationship with Fola.

Her dad did not want to ever meet me in person since we got together. Felt that was not very Christian-like for me to be sleeping with a married woman. Never mind the fact that this married woman and her husband both were sleeping with multiple people and have already broken their marriage vows.

I say this, because last week he said he would meet me before leaving this Tuesday to go back to Kuwait for another year. He changed his mind, saying that its not the "right" time. Dangles a carrot and takes it away.

Basically lied.

So, I am being funneled. From what I'm noticing. The relationship that Fola has with her dad, is the relationship she somewhat expects from me. On this deep, unconscious level. This makes sense, as now I understand more the reason as to why she behaves irrationally and gets angry over petty issues.

She's manipulating me to react in the same way her father would. To become tyrannical, because she associates tyranny with love.

That makes perfect sense.

I brought this up a few minutes ago through text. She didn't come to see me today for XYZ reasons, despite saying she would, despite offering to meet up twice. Just excuses after excuses. Today she spent a few hours watching Bible videos with her family and then reading the Bible later that night.

When I brought up how her father is controlling and demanding; she agrees. When I speak my truth about the observations I've made, she calls me arrogant/controlling/demanding.

It's ridiculous.

It's okay for her father to be that way, but not me.

It's okay for him to control her and make demands and abuse her.

Because she equates that behavior with love.

I'm starting to see where the pieces of the puzzle fits in all this.

And I'm starting to learn how important it is for me to not expect an equal partnership with her. To not even try at doing it, because she doesn't want an equal partnership. Despite whatever words come out from her mouth.

She wants a ruler. A king. That's her ideal husband and mate.

Someone with firm boundaries who doesn't take shit and wields power in the form of money or intimidation, or whatever.

She wants me to be like her dad. Unconsciously she has been funneling me down this path where I am having my boundaries tested and my convictions torn apart and emotions provoked, etc.

The end result of who I am is going to be the determining factor of the success of our relationship.

Problem is, I don't have power in the form of money or education to lord over her.

I can't manipulate her with these things. And I don't want to manipulate her, but I am seeing more and more clearly that there is a"frame" that I must honor within myself. I am reminded of how important it is for me to remain authentic and forward-facing. To not let this woman (girl) compromise who I am and what I wish to be and accomplish.

I think of how it was when we first started going out. I know what I was doing that was attractive to her. My aloofness. My not getting emotionally invested. My faith in myself. My confidence.

And... I think of that spirit guide message that I received a while ago, that there is a woman in my life who is trying to undermine me spiritually.

It's her. It's Fola.

And I am facing a trial of faith.

Here is the thing. When I think of her, I don't see... a woman with a warm and giving nature. I don't see my mother, whom I would like to find. I can't trust her, and I can't respect her lack of self-awareness and empathy.

If I wrote a list of her good and bad qualities, I know that the list of bad qualities are easily written more so than the good ones are.

In all honesty, I would be struggling to get more of the good qualities down because I can't think of more than a handful.

And in spite of all that, I do love that woman. I want her to heal herself. But I am faced with a situation that is much like trying to free a wounded animal from a trap. I have to deal with the fighting, the thrashing, the biting and fear and all this negative shit in order to set it free.

So why then, do I bother? If she is this difficult to negotiate with, if she cannot keep her word, if she keeps inventing drama and provoking me and making stuff up that she knows is not true and withholding affection and expecting me to make her happy without giving anything in return; why then would I want her to be the mother of my child?

Why would I think that there is a future with us if we fight so constantly?

I don't know, blog. I just don't know why I am staying in this relationship.

One of the questions I have difficulty with answering, is whether or not I am staying because I am fearful of having to date again and finding someone with similar chemistry; or am I staying because I have faith enough in her to change and to transcend her bullshit as well as my own.

I think the answer is that it is a bit of both.

I like to think that love can transform people. I have seen the effects I have on her. But I also have seen that she doesn't really want love in the same way that I expect to receive it. She wants drama and tension and fights and intense emotions going on between us.

I get that... but...

I don't want instability. While I admit that she is never really boring because of how unpredictable she can be, I don't want it to be like this so frequently.

I would like a woman with morals. With convictions. With... genuine faith and dedication.

And though I can't instill morals into her, I can certainly help with giving her faith and making her more dedicated. Not by controlling or manipulating, but by being the best of who I can be.

By being more of who I am when we first met.

And I think she needs to know this too. That if she was more like she was when we first met, we would be extremely happy together. She was attentive, made me food, treated me with respect and adoration and... sent me nice photos of herself. Nude ones.. sexy ones..

But now.. photos are of her staring vacantly into the camera. Her messages are sloppy and careless at times with mangled words that make the conversation confusing. She's... being...

She's being... lazy.

Spiritually. Intellectually. Emotionally.

Ironically, if she read these words, she would get upset and tell me that they aren't true.

She meditates daily. That covers the spiritual part, she would say.

She reads and learns about spiritual emergence/the Kabbalah. That's the intellectual part.

She is developing herself emotionally through empathy, I think she would say for the last part.

And... just because you meditate daily, does not make you spiritual.

Just because you read a bunch of stuff that you don't remember and aren't able to think critically and rationally, going from one book/belief to another, does not make you intelligent.

... I struggle to find words sometimes. I complain so much that articulating these complaints is like taking the long-way around. Sprinkling water onto a fire over a period of hours, than to simply extinguish it all at once with a large bucket. I don't have much energy in me for precision, but perhaps I should be more mindful of the words I am using and how they are said.

I can't believe we had a fight today over my not coming to her house to help clean it with her. I asked if she needed help, and she wouldn't say yes. Then got mad that I couldn't read her mind and made up a bunch of nonsense about how I don't care for her and that I prefer to be alone in solitude with my bachelor lifestyle, etc.

Just a bunch of nonsense.

Surprisingly, I mitigated all that quite well.

Explained that I need her to accept my help when it is offered, and that is has nothing to do with begging but has everything to do with being honest and vulnerable.

Wish I could copy paste our texts into this entry. It would make more sense and save more time if I did.

Hmm.

This is... such a journey I am on.

Her lessons and my lessons are intertwined with one another.

I have to stand up for myself and be the king that I know myself to be.

She has to...

Well... she has to do a number of things.

And I don't know if she is self-aware enough to change any of it. One week it seems like she's changed and understands herself, the next she doesn't, and has forgotten what happened a week earlier.

I don't think I can fix that for her. I don't know... how she can learn from any of that on her own if she is like a hummingbird going from flower to flower as far as personal and spiritual development goes.

I think all I can do is work on myself.

To be honest. Brutally so.

With her and myself.

I pray daily... sometimes asking for guidance on all this. I don't get answers, it seems. At least not obvious ones.

But sometimes these answers need a little scaffolding on them before they can be constructed. Bits and pieces have to form the foundation of whatever these answers need to be resting upon.

Can't jump from one rung of a ladder, up to the top. It's a slow and gradual effort that takes time.

For me right now, the main thing is to have faith.

I believe in God. I believe in a plan. I have a sense that I am following this plan, and whenever I am in doubt, when things are shitty and are going south, I gently remind myself that this is exactly the way it has to be. Whether I am responsible or not, is irrelevant.

It is not my job to be fixing Fola. She has to fix herself.

All I can do is hold fast to my truth.

To not let her pry it away from me.

Easier said than done, because there are times when I know that speaking the truth is going to cause damage.

So there lies the tight-rope. The balance. The constant vigilance.

Walk by faith and not by sight.

Everything I need is already here. The answers are already here.

All I must do is discover them. Make myself ready to accept them.

Because they are here.

And I am loved. As hard as it is for me to feel at times, I know that I am loved by forces that are higher and lower than myself. Even if I cannot see who or what they are.

And I can't let them down. I know they want the best for me. My deceased father. Spirit guides. God. Angels.. whatever they may be.

When I change myself, the world changes with me.

And I am not one to be toyed with. Not by an immature woman who is 9 years my junior and unable to think critically and objectively with empathy and compassion and consideration.

Yeah, she's not perfect, and neither am I.

Organically that is.

Inside... I know that we each are like diamonds. Perfect in absolutely every way.

Cut into a thousand facets,

Our souls are beautiful and glittering.

But society... perception... conditioning... biology...

These things cover up some of the facets of our diamonds. They hide the beauty behind the one aspect of ourselves that we consider to be weak and inferior.

And yet.. we can work to clean that part of ourselves. To really work at cleaning off the grime and dirt behind whatever it is that keeps us from gleaming and glowing with the light of goodness and contentment within ourselves. To present that one glittering side for the world to see.

When we accept that we largely are happy with who we are, that is the confidence we need in order to go forward and do great things.

And... that is my job to be doing.

I have difficulty hearing. Its a hell of a challenge in so many ways to be hearing-impaired.

So much self-doubt and lack of confidence and inability to really connect with people.

Can be fixed.. sure.. with hearing aids that cost money that I don't have.

And then... the pride thing comes up. I don't want to wear them anyways. I don't want to further destroy my hearing by amplifying certain sounds to levels that will damage things even more.

Such a conundrum.

And... the shame I get from all this. From being this way. Not feeling deserving of certain things. Accepting abuse and disrespect and being unsure of how to cope or deal with them.

Not being able to walk with confidence and a smile in the world because of how inferior I am.. and ironically, how arrogant I can sometimes be.

Sometimes my pride serves as a shield. I need it, but I truly don't.

And I have to live in this contradiction.

To lessen the influence of my ego, but also to preserve and fortify it.

Some kind of weird... balance, needs to be struck.

Live with and without expectations.

Expect and do not expect.

Should I not expect respect from my partner?

Or should I earn it?

Should I make myself deserving of it?

These questions... man...  I vacillate between taking responsibility for the behaviors of others, and blaming them for my problems.

If only Fola could be more loving and giving and generous and willing to please... then I could be the same... that's one dialogue.

If only I could make myself into the man I know myself to be, then I will be loved and given towards and made to feel respected and appreciated.

How much of my life is really in my control?

And how much of it is dependent on others?

The answers vary.

Ideally, I should be held accountable only onto myself.

And yet... relationships make this difficult to do.

When I do something nice for someone, I know that it puts them into a better place.

And I feel the same way when receiving something in return.

It's transactional. Conditional. I don't think unconditional love can truly exist within these human bodies and inside of this type of society we live in.

But perhaps it can.

Maybe I can learn to love myself and only myself. Everything and everyone else gets the run-off from the feelings I generate within.

Maybe it really is that simple.

I don't know.

It's late. I have to go to sleep. Waking up at 5am to go to a job that I dislike. Cutting bands all day on light-duty.

Wonderful.

People are getting laid off. They haven't laid me off yet because I am not medically cleared by my doctor to be fit for work.

But once I am... I'm gone..

Wish I knew the answer to this. I need to do something else for a living.

I need to...

Make something of myself.

I am a writer.

And I am a sentimental fool who believes in a certain type of love.

One that I wish to dearly experience.

For as long as humanly possible.

And even beyond.

Good night blog.

Love ya.

Take care.

Hmph

I know blog. I know.

Be patient. Apathy is overwhelming at times and so much has been going on.

I'll write soon.

I hope.