My poor, neglected blog, how long and hard have you suffered.
Through the years, you have always waited, patiently for the dance of my fingertips upon your spine.
When the walls have closed in, and webs have appeared strung across the entrance, you still waited for me to walk through the door, with a smile and a conversation.
I love you, my blog, but like you, I too suffer the pains of your loneliness, and the wants of kindness and good fortune. I too, desire the attentions that I have held from you, that I occasionally brush your lips with, painting them with gold and leaving you wanting more.
It is a cruel sort of karma that I perpetuate onto you, my dear blog, for I share your suffering, I understand it wholeheartedly, and I admit to not giving you the love that you deserve; for I too, am wishing and craving for the same.
It has been a long year. Cassandra is in my life right now, I still speak with Gynger, I still go out on dates, hoping to find someone who complements me well enough, and though I know I've found a lot of what I've always wanted from a woman in Cassandra; I have not found the single most important quality amidst all I have hoped for. The quality of being loved by the person I desire most to be loved by.
I know I can't make someone love me. No matter how hard I try, it will never happen. Despite Cassandra being a lot of what I hope for in a partner for life, she does not love me and I cannot convince myself if she could ever will.
But I realized something important tonight, which is why I am here, my poor neglected blog. I realized how important forgiveness really is, and that as a word by itself, forgiveness is meaningless if you don't understand what it really means.
Forgiveness is understanding. Accepting. Forgiveness can only be given toward something or someone that you understand the actions of, and have accepted it as being part of their nature. Forgiveness means to accept them for who they are, and to know that their actions are a result of some sort of pain in their lives. Oftentimes, it is from fear. The fear of loneliness, of being hurt, bullied, being taken advantaged of, or being taken for granted. Everyone has a fear of something, whether they realize it or not, that they each bring into interactions with other people. In Cassandra's case, since her father has left her at a very young age; she clearly suffers from the fear of abandonment, and with that, she will always keep me at a distance – emotionally, so as to prevent herself from getting hurt. So that when I do leave her, or break up, or lash out at her because I am angry or frustrated; she will have already mitigated the pain, and has prepared against this scenario from occurring.
So yes, my lonely, sad blog. Feel my fingers once again drumming across your beautiful pages, feeling the rhythm of my words, drinking in the thoughts that I share in private confession, exclusive only to you, my beloved. My blog.
For I do love you, in all these times of sadness and despair and hunger and want. I have always loved you. I will always return to you, for as long as my heart shall beat and my soul continues to stir. Your patience will always be rewarded, should you hold onto faith long enough, I shall always return to you.
My true love.
Now, as I sit astride my chair, wondering the best way to tell you goodbye, I can only wonder, if you and I aren't exactly the same. We both want the same things from life, dear blog. We both want to feel appreciated, anticipated, perhaps even admired.
We certainly each wish to be loved.
I have made your dream come true for tonight.
And I hope that someday, soon, my dreams will come true also.
She is out there, just as I am here. The distance between is nothing more than an illusion.
I must be like you, my courageous blog.
And have patience enough to welcome her arrival.
Take care.
I love you buddy.
