Well, last night I took a leap and went out with Karen whom I met on eHarmony.
I'll repeat, it didn't go well.
The initial meeting was okay. She had a nice smile, I felt comfortable but nervous. It was serviceable for about an hour until..
Four people crashed the party.
I'm still kind of.. amused by it. Basically, there weren't any other tables available and these four people asked to sit next to us -- occupying the entire table, on our first date. They apologized for it initially and when it was jokingly said, "I hope it's not your first date.." I had to laugh and confirm it was. The table went into an uproar.
After that initial revelation, these four people talked among themselves as they knew one another and had that chemistry established, but all I could do was nervously sip at my beer with Karen next to me and hoped she would finish soon enough for us to leave.
Well, it didn't go that way. She ordered another drink and struck up a conversation with the girl across from her.
They went on for a good hour at least and I was left holding the bag, Interjecting a few words here and there but ultimately not really doing much of anything. I gave her a hopefull glance out across the street and I don't think Karen picked up on the hint. Eventually, she really struck a chord with that one particular girl and I was excluded altogether from the conversation.
So, there I was, trying to keep my nerve while listening to these girls gossip and unable to say a thing. Once Karen suggested we go for a cigarette, a spasm of relief washed over me as I explained how much I sucked at being in groups -- particularly when I don't know a single person there. She said she didn't have any problems connecting and I nodded my head knowing that it wasn't anyone's fault really.
Except mine.
I guess with the time I spent away from dating, it really caught up to me how ill-prepapred I was to handle conversation. Group conversation more specifically. It doesn't help that I had hearing issues to begin with, but I didn't know how to integrate myself regardless of whether I was hearing every word spoken or not.
The chatter was mindless. I couldn't get interested about any of it.
And as I apologized to Karen and gave her a kiss, thanking her for meeting up -- I walked away wondering if this is how it is everywhere. That conversation for conversation's sake is commonplace.
It was disheartening for me to accept that it probably is. And that I might not ever be good enough at participating in these kind of get-togethers.
As I got home, I just kind of.. felt drained. Drained of life. Like.. Almost as if I accepted the void within me and wrapped myself up snugly with it.
It didn't feel reassuring at all. It almost felt like an infliction of shame upon my person.
But what other option is there? Quiet acceptance is better than self indignation isn't it? The more I allow myself to get angry, the .. Well.. Maybe anger is the proper motivator here, but how? How do I get myself more in line with what I would like to be? How do I bring myself to feeling good about the way I am and how my life is going?
I.. can't.
I always used to hear that things could be worse. That there are people in x country who are suffering more than I am and I should be grateful for what I already have. And that is true, in a way of saying "Boy, am I glad I'm not in a North Korean Death Camp" but.. it doesn't change the fact that I have a real problem that needs solving.
It doesn't change the fact that I am unhappy. First world problem or not.
Could I adjust my expectations to accept my life and my being the way they are? To make do with what I have and to not want/need things like a good relationship? A rewarding career? Loyal friends? A loving family? Money?
I could adjust. But should I? Should I settle for this? Is it even an option, or could I be more? Could I achieve more?
More importantly, do I think I deserve more in life?
Yes. My mind would speak. Yes, I do.
What fucking hurts most, is already knowing this but not being convinced that I can create a better life beyond what I already have.
If anything had damaged me most from my upbringing, it would be that twisted sense of entitlement my mother had fostered within me. The second most hurtful thing, was not being given direction. Not being believed in enough to think that my goals were realistic and worth striving towards.
No. It was, "you need to get a job." after graduation. There was no interest in post-secondary education within my family. The relationship I had with my father throughout my mid to early-twenties, was non-existant. My mother was as clueless as I was, with what to do with securing my place in the world. The only person who spoke out, was my stepdad who got me into insulating. And even then, it was more like "post-secondary? pfft! you shouldn't bother. Get into the trades."
But, I can't keep blaming the past. No matter how it affected my life. No matter how much it still is affecting my life.
No matter how much I am haunted by it.
No matter how much I still think of this woman:
Even before Leah...
Before Lauren...
And before Michelle...
I had to have fallen in love with Tina.
And that's a whole other blog post.
I'm tired.. I'm done.
At least for now.
First world problems.
