I'm stuck, spiritually and it's a horrible feeling to have.
Because, I can't accept anything based on faith these days, not after several personal experiences of mine point towards either a lack of a higher power, or an inability of mine to truly understand how to utilize/address it.
I used to say a prayer at night before going to bed. It didn't really feel like anything more than a habit I've picked up as a child and it was a way for me to hedge my bets on the side of divinity by directing my thoughts towards acknowledging it.
In time, I grew more.. demanding. I wanted real spiritual insight. Real revelations. Proof of this higher power that supposedly most of the population of Earth believes to exist. But the answers never seemed to come. Or maybe they have, but I wasn't able to discern whether or not it was true, or wishful thinking on my part.
That's the tragedy right there in any kind of belief system. Even among atheists. Because, as I've eventually figured out, the answers to life's questions are really a matter of personal judgement. There will never be any kind of concrete evidence that point towards one conclusion or another. Does God exist? Am I God? Or are we all but the product of random mutations in an otherwise chaotic and random universe?
Is there a purpose to all this? And where do we go when we die? Should a supreme being exist, what are it's demands? What is it's function? Are we alone in the universe? Or are there other civilizations that have reached a greater understanding behind the nature of creation?
Questions like these permeate my life in many subtle ways. From my career, to my dreams, to explaining what I have experienced in the past and to predict what I may experience in the future. All of my concerns have to do with determining the extent of my power and purpose.
Whenever I think about the shitty things that I have gone through, the heartaches in my relationships, the difficulty in letting go of guilt, of pain and fear, I have taken notice of several peripheral improvements that I have made in the lives of others as a result of my actions and thoughts.
For example. A few years ago, two good friends of mine initiated a threesome with me out of the blue and I reacted with a combination of disbelief, intense flattery, profound feelings of affection towards the girl involved and measures of anger, sadness and points in between.
In short, I gained very little in having to go through that situation -- or perhaps, I have gained a lot. I am not quite sure.
But one thing that I know, is that my actions likely changed the relationship between my friends Tina and Jeff. Not the relationship that I had with them, but the one they have with each other. Today, they are closer for having gone through what we did. What I did. Even if I didn't mean for it to turn out that particular way.
I look at my immediate family and friends and see examples of how my actions influenced and improved their lives. It's strange to admit, but I almost feel like I've given my life up for the sake of others. So that they do not make the same mistakes as I have. So that they "think" a different way as a response to having seen the way I reacted to certain situations. In short, I was the guy who willingly threw his heart out into everyone's lap if only to prove that unrestrained emotion is not something one should strive towards achieving. That sometimes emotion do not need to be acted upon, or spoken of, but rather kept close -- that making oneself extremely vulnerable is asking for heaps of trouble.
I dislike what I have become. But others are better for it. And thus, the spiritual crisis emerges.
Because, I try and figure out why it seems that I do not deserve the things I have wanted most in life. My belief system has usually been one of feeling connected to the world. To others, God and myself. That my thoughts would attract the things or experiences that I needed in order to achieve what I desired. I felt as if everything was a web, and that karma would eventually come to reward me for being honest about my feelings. To reward for me being true to my heart by not holding anything back.
Unfortunately, this does not seem to be the case. Perhaps I am short-sighted and cannot see into the future far enough to know whether or not my struggle will be given a peaceful and amicable resolution. So, at the moment, all I can do is to try and not let the sadness I carry within, consume my heart down to nothingness.
I must persevere. I must try.
Giving up is a sign that I relinquish control of my life to the whims of society and other people. To circumstance. And it's a terrible way to be. To not be able to care. To feel empowered enough to make changes and achieve success.
When I first started this rant, I had the thought in mind that I would slowly write in "facts" as I discover them. Facts that pertain to life so that I may have something concrete to believe in. Something like, knowing that my reaction to situations is of my own choosing. That optimism will take me farther ahead than pessimism ever will. Facts like knowing that I likely will never be able to prove the existence of a higher power and that I should find contentment with living in the now. To not put so much pressure on myself. But at the same time, I understand that pressure fuels motivation which can lead towards results.
So, I don't know what to think anymore these days.
Do I go with the flow and place my trust in something that I cannot confirm the existence of?
Should I strive to take responsibility for every single thing that's happened in my life and to transcend my shortcomings as best as I can without allowing for possible supersitutious nonsense that may or may not be true?
Just how important is belief in a higher power, anyways?
I don't know.
But I hope I find out someday.
