Looking back, I'm compelled to write out the things I've learned and done in 2010. It was a hell of a year as far as personal development and spiritual / emotional evolution goes.
I've dated lots. Deanna in December, Jessica in January, Andrea in February, Lauren in March which lasted for a while.. Kim, Casey, Niki, Kristen, Lisa...
Wow.. nine. NINE. That is huge. I've never in my life dated this much before and it's been quite an eyeopener as I'm educated in certain qualities that I haven't been exposed to as much in years previous.
It's made me realize just exactly what I'm looking for in the ideal mate I hope to find someday. Each girl I've dated gave me something to take away with me that will be used at some point in the future towards my goals and appraisial of other potential suitors.
Deanna taught me how lame one-night stands can be. Jessica made me want someone as nice as she was but a little more interesting to talk to.. she also gave my ego a boost when we broke up by saying, "You'll find someone. You won't have a problem at all.", Andrea showed me how non-judgemental I can be and that I'm willing to give any person a shot. She also gave me the chance to decide between meaningless sex and the courage of my convictions.
Lauren.. damn. Well, I've written enough about her already. She's.. special. But she is also emotionally immature and it wouldn't have worked out between us anyways. I'm thankful for having had the time I did with her and her daughter Sophia. I realize the depths of my desperation and the extent of my sorrow in the time we were together. She was and possibly still is -- the type of gal I would like to settle down with someday. Almost.
Lisa taught me that intellectual and emotional harmony does not necessitate or supersede attraction. As did Kristen and Casey. Chemistry is so important.
Kim.. Kim is a big one to analyze.. While our relationship is ongoing, she did teach me that incredible sex can be had without any feelings being involved. That loving myself is the ultimate aphrodisiac. She reaffirmed my masculinity and broke down walls when it came to having sex without love. She's taught me that no matter how good the sex is, it still matters what kind of a person you are and how you two get along outside of intimacy. She's made me realize how shameful I feel about meaningless sex and after tonight -- I'm not sure I would want to continue being with her. She wants more than what I am willing to offer.
As for the other girls, I've understood that not every date results in a successful conquest. That I'm my own worst enemy sometimes and that I can put too much pressure on myself and the other person. That I need to figure out how to go with the flow and not come in with unreasonably lofty expectations.
And for the rest of what I've achieved and done this year; they've been necessary in bringing about a broader and clarified perspective of who I am and where I'm going in life.
Writing took a big jump forward, as I poured a lot of thought into some of the blog posts on here as well as writing fiction more seriously. I'm filled with renewed hope at the talents I possess -- and must use, if I wish to somehow make a career of it.
Another thing I learned this year, was how important it is to be with the right person so that I operate at my fullest potential. Lauren brought out the best in me on an emotional level (she also brought out the worst of it). Kim drew out the best when it comes to sex.. So there's been some appreciated epiphanies and moments of self-discovery for which I am thankful for. Every little thing has only made me more aware, more strong and I'm blessed for the opportunities I was given.
As a friend once written me, "sex cannot compete with dependable love".
It is so true. Sex is not everything. It can be used for good or evil. To conceal, heal, bond, reveal.. it is something that must be used in service of a noble purpose. Not just to distract from how lonesome a soul might feel. Sex can only go so far.
Things may not always work out when it comes to pursuing our dreams.. but in the end, it's the intention, not the achievement that defines us. As long as I move forward with my head held high and my heart in the right place. Learning from the mistakes I've made... I can do no wrong. I'll have nothing to apologize for.
It's how we grow. And it's so crucial to stay true to ourselves despite some of the challenges we may come across.
And that's the most important lesson I've learned this year.
Be true to yourself.
Never give up hope.
Never apologize for who you are, what you want and keep your mind and heart open as often as possible.
Believe in the goodness that you carry within.
And keep moving forward.
Until you get to where you want to be.
