Some of the highlights over the past while include: (in random order)
1) The Droner Groupie
2) Shitty Soulmate
3) Incompetent Immigrant Imbecile
4) El Big Purchaso
The Droner Groupie is a title I've designated to this Bon Jovi crackhead that I met at work. Whenever he sees me, he comes over and drones, its pretty straightforward. At first I was tolerant of it, now Im practicising the subtle art of misdirection to keep this guy from yammering at me, here's a paraphrased sample of a typical conversation between us:
Me: "I'd like to get one of those new badass HDTVs, 42" so I can watch porn in high-def"
Real (yes thats his name): "Oh yeah, back home I got myself a nice 50" Toshiba, paid about two grand for it, top of the line when I got it. Now I've got no time to use it, my son at home loves it and plays his games with friends on that. I saw it for 1100$ at Walmart a while ago, its amazing how low prices get after a while, you usually don't want to spend a lot of money on something so expensive when you know its going to get old anyways. I figured if I'm here till December, I can save up enough money to finish the payments on my car, then I can start saving up to pay off my house. Last year I made about 60 grand, and it should be pretty easy to make that kind of money here. I mean, if I'll be working from now till December, I should have about 10k and I'll be able to get back on pogey. But thats only if we're working 11 and 3, its not worth it if its just four days a week here, I may have to quit if that happens. Heh heh."
Me: ZZZzzzzZZzzzzz
The guy is 42 years old and has the cadence of a dude that smoked up before coming to work. My misdirection skills include such tactics as avoiding eye-contact and hoping someone nearby will think Real is talking to them, I also employ the use of interupting his conversation by chatting to someone else and attempting to draw those two into a conversation. There's really a lot of finesse involved when trying to politely redirect the flow of a conversation without pissing the guy off. I remember when I used to work at Swarm as a graphic designer, one of the guys there had the uncanny ability of being able to talk for hours without any input from a second party, basically the biggest fucking monologue ever. I however was naive in the art of misdirection, and made the mistake of telling him "can you stop talking for a while, I'm trying to concentrate on my work" and well.. that elicted a bad response: "oh, I see, sorry"
Okay, highlight #2 - Shitty Soulmate
In my trailer park (heh), we have to share bathrooms so it was only a matter of time before I felt the need to perch my buttocks atop a porcelin pedestral and facillitate the transfer of a fair amount of feces from my anus to the disposal unit. One balmy evening I found myself doing just that, I sat on the crapper and a dude next to me also synched my movements. After about a minute, we both crapped at the same time. He however let out a few wet tbbytytyttttt of the ass trombone, and I opted instead for the quieter clarinet approach where only the squeaking of the poo exiting the oriphice can be heard. We both peed at the same time, except I peed longer than him, and somehow when I dropped a loaf and made a splash, I could hear the other dude follow up with an equally impressive effort. In short, he was my spiritual poo mate. I've never had the pleasure of sharing my bowel movements with a stranger before, and the whole experience left me with a grin all along. I honestly think they should have theatrical productions based around the poo mate concept, the world needs to experience the unspoken camraderie between assholes, it really is both a humbling and endearing event to be a part of.
#3 Incompetent blah blah
So they paired me with this guy at work, a Newfie named Leo Howe and on the first day I knew I got a real winner on my hands. Typically in the profession I'm in, most guys from Eastern provinces do not get the proper training required for the job we do out West, so you get a lot of amateurs that call themselves "Journeymen" but are about on par with 2nd year apprentices knowledge-wise.
One of the greatest things to happen to me this week, was given Leo as a partner on doing a 10 x 2 1/2 metal elbow. A metal elbow is basically where the pipe goes from horizontal to vertical and the "elbow" is that part that transitions between them. So I insulated the elbow, and usually its the journeyman that has to metal it, except, oh my god, he couldnt do it. With this particular elbow, metal gores (which are about six seperate metal pieces that go on in a spiral) had to be applied. Basically the rule for installing those, is to center the gores along the weld of the elbow.
But Leo could not do it. He ended up telling me to help him, except he wouldnt listen to my advice because he was the "experienced" guy and I was just a "3rd year", hilarity ensues.
It took him 1 and a half days to get that ONE elbow on, typically it takes less than two hours. During this time it was hot outside and since Leo was a big guy, he started sweating hardcore. And I mean HARDCORE. His face looked like a water fountain, I thought it really was something to see. Of course, I had to laugh when he asked me how come I'm not sweating. Well the answer I gave him was "er, I sweat more below the waist" which is true, considering the size and position of the kielbasa contained below.
During this entire time there has been some great moments where Leo would just get completely frustrated and start lamenting his situation. Some of the catchphrases include:
"I'm trying to understand it, I can't understand it!"
"I've never worked so hard in my life, and I'm 50 years old!"
"I'll give anything to get this fucker on, anything!"
and the big one:
"I might as well take a plane back home, I'm going to get fired!"
me: "you won't get fired."
him: "Well if I cant do the work, I'm out of here!"
Imagine all those phrases repeated a couple dozen times over the course of a ten hour day. Delivered in the same tone of voice, a tone thats pleading and frantic but not frustrated and you have COMEDY GOLD here folks. I swear the hardest thing about working with Leo is to keep from laughing out loud whenever he spits out another "I'll give anything to get this fucker on, anything!". Yeah I shouldn't be so cruel, but I DID tell him how to do it and he chose to ignore my advice until the next day. Hard to believe he's making ten bucks more an hour than I am.
Gotta jet back again tonight for another four days, thankfully I got myself one of these babies:
the 60gb model. FUCKIN A! 12,000 songs or 1,000 cds can be uploaded to this biznitch, I love the hell out of it. Originally I wanted the 40gb model, but they dont make that one anymore, so I had to splurge 519$ on the 60gb, but it was sooo worth it. I've already got 11,000+ songs on it and there's still 7gb left for porn pictures that I can share with friends and family. The real innovation is that click wheel, its totally off the hook, all touch-based, you just rub that thing like you'd rub a cootch. Anyone considering buying an iPod definetely should if they want to be a trendy music-obsessed mofo like myself. I suggest the iPod mini for casual users (5gb drive) and of course, the 60 gigger for the hardcores like myself who need to carry junk like The Star Wars Christmas cd and every Tupac cd to remote and desolute locations.
Over and out.
