Monday, February 21, 2005

getting ready for work...



Well, its that time of the day again, where I begin my lovely six hour bus tour to Fort McMurray. For those that aren't familiar with my migration patterns, I work way up north and every week I have to take a painful commute to get there. Horrible things happen when you're stuck on a bus in a cramped seat, suffering nicotine withdrawl, things that I will not publish out of respect for readers. As far as I'm concerned, cyrogenic technology needs to be improved big time so they can just ship us there in a freezer.

My Chinese-Canadian pal Jerry posted some pictures of the zoo we went to on Saturday, and aside from the Ninja Monkeys, he pretty much captured the essence of the trip, which you can see here.

And now for teh funny, cause I'm not in a hilarious happy go-lucky mood right now in the hours leading up to my commute:

-- A nervous man sits in the hospital waiting room as the doctor walks in holding a tiny baby wrapped in a blanket. "Mr. Jones, it's time to meet your new son."

The man stands up with a big smile, tears of joy and happiness well up in his eyes. It is the most wonderful moment of his life. As they walk toward each other the doctor stumbles and drops the baby on the hard waiting room floor.

"Oh my god!" the father cries, "What have you done!?!? That's my baby!"

"Relax," says the doctor. "I was just messing with you. He was stillborn."

Har Har, laaaaaaaaaaaaaaates

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Hurghghhnhgghhh!




There are few things more exciting in life than watching yourself bleed a slow, painful, death. Which is exactly what happenned last night. In the middle of blogging, I was suddenly aware of liquid pouring down my cheek, okay sure, I just washed my face right? Wrong! It was a cascade of blood dripping down all over my hands and keyboard, I went into shock and fell to the floor flopping like a fish. After a few jerky spasms, and a pre-emptive death rattle, I regained my senses and did what anyone else would do.

I grabbed my camera.

Yeah, so here I am bleeding all over the place and I'm rushing upstairs to the bathroom to take a picture of myself to put onto the blog. Yeah, I'm THAT dedicated!

So what caused this sudden discharge of bodily fluid? Turns out I cut myself shaving a few days ago and the cut hasn't properly healed. I was at Mark's Work Wearhouse yesterday morning trying on a new shirt and KA POW! Blood starts pouring. Now I'm in the changeroom looking at myself in the mirror and going "WTF" as I watch the blood drip all over the new shirt I tried on. Yay. I scrambled to find some tissue, but ended up having to use my toque to mop up the mess. It was horrible! I considered leaving the shirt behind in the room and making bloody handprints on the wall, but eventually it stopped bleeding and I went to the checkout counter.

I was praying it wouldn't bleed again but as I was paying for my merchandise...

Clerk: "132.94$ please"
Me: "Okay, debit... sec" *pulls out wallet*
Clerk: "Sir...?"
Me: "What? Wha... HURRRNNGGGHHHHHH!!!"

and I bled all over the counter, all over the debit card I was holding, some people in line were mortified like deer in headlights. To add insult to injury, the clerk was making the sign of the cross admidst the general panickery. One guy even shouted "AIDS! Run awayyyyyyyyyyy!"

Okay I made up that last part, but yeah, IMAGINE if it did happen like that, it would kick all kinds of ass.

Blah.

and on the seventh day, he rested...



finally.. FINALLY ... FUCCCCCCCCK !

tweaking the default Blogger template was harder than I imagined, I even had to design my own little icon thingy that shows up next to the previous post/archives. That ICON THINGY... I DID IT! I DREW EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THOSE PIXELS... BY HAND!

I'm hardcore.

Finally.

Now lets talk about headboppin Lizards. I was at the zoo Saturday and that lucky green bastard is like the rock n roll star of the reptile kingdom. Notice how he headbangs like he's listening to Poison or Warrant while he's trying to get his mack on? Yeah, its definetely Tommy Lee.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

out here we is stoned, immaculate...

The seed has been planted.

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN! *cymbal crash*