Faith in God

I am saddened and upset at the state of the world.

It's one thing to be seeing constant bad news about the decline of the Western empire every day all day and it is quite another to speak to people in person to find out how their lives are affected.

It's not looking good. Jobs are hard to come by, people are losing their homes, the lady that I talk to at the smoke shop is moving to B.C. to start a new career driving trucks, leaving everything she owns behind.

I see the older people in my community. The 70 and 80 year olds and... I fear for them. Health care services are overwhelmed, waiting times are unreasonably long with one man telling me how he had to wait 8 hours to be looked at and then hours more after for treatment.

Articles on the web about emergency clinics in Ontario closing early due to staffing shortages. An article about 4 doctors in Ontario dying in the same week after taking the 4th covid jab.

Economic collapse. Jobs being cut. Interest rates going up and making homes affordable and hurting those like myself with even high debt to repay.

Talks of a polar shift, talks of an impending ice age, talks of civil war, rationing, digital ID, CBDC...

Stolen elections. A video of Biden giving two speeches in one day with one of the speeches where he looks like a different person, leading many to speculate that it is a deep fake or a man wearing a mask.

Massive flooding in various places, earthquakes, droughts, food processing plants being destroyed, nitrogen shipment on trains being derailed, Germany not having enough natural gas to last the winter...

It goes on and on.

Trudeau bans handguns. Cuts nitrogen/fertilizer use by 30% making it more expensive for farmers to grow food and more expensive for us to buy it. Monkeypox. Fires in Spain. Riots and protesting in Panama, Italy, France, The Netherlands. Blackouts in Cuba. Energy rationing in Germany. Citizens need a cell phone to purchase rationed gas in Sri Lanka. Iran forces it's citizens to a digital id to buy food...

I can't even keep up with the amount of information coming out each day enough to remember each single one.

It's... well, it looks like what it is.

The apocalypse.

Or, the "great unveiling" where Truth is known and we all get to see the ugly Truth of the world we live in. Governed by corrupt officials who say and do things aimed at hurting the people they are supposed to represent the best interests of.

Let's be realistic, they are not representing or fighting for our best interests.

False flags everywhere.

Censorship everywhere. Some of what I said is reported in the mainstream news but most of it is not.

There's a reason for that, they don't want us to know. Bill C-11 is going to make getting information difficult and possibly inaccessible for Canadians so that if a nuclear bomb drops somewhere in the world, if the Canadian government does not want us to know about it, we won't. Is there a protest? We may not get to know about it, thanks to...

The evil in this world.

New York Times and CNN are both promoting cannibalism. Young children are forced to get injected with an experimental substance, pedophilia is being normalized, transgenderism is being normalised, unchecked illegal immigration is destroying our cultural identity and so on and forth.

I'm so tired of it all. So tired that I don't have much interest in typing about it. So much to absorb, so much to worry about, so much helplessness as I watch the world burn and lose it's soul in the process.

I'm tired, God.

And...

Yeah.

I'm tired.

Two-Knee Tuesday

Looks like I am writing another post on the same day. Strange how I neglected this blog for so long and now I am rapidly coming back to it.

My gut tells me that if I cannot make much of a difference in the world, I can at least put my thoughts and experiences to paper and sort myself out.

Maybe down the line someone will read all this and understand who I am and what I've gone through.

I don't think it is sympathy I am hoping for because it is never gratifying to be looked upon with pity. It is gratifying to be looked upon with respect and appreciation.

But I have not been able to earn those two things.

Well, perhaps appreciation in the small ways I seem to impact certain people's lives.

A few weeks ago a man named Michael called over to me from his car in the park where we were both sitting. 

"Hey, how's it going?" he shouted from twenty feet away outside a rolled-down window.

And... I responded without much interest or care because I remember not feeling social or if I was, I wasn't confident in my ability to engage with someone without presenting myself as a social misfit.

But something happened. A small dog named Dina popped it's head out the window and looked at me.

That did the trick. 

"Is that your dog?" I asked, feeling my mood brighten. 

And that was when I felt my soul lift itself up to go over and pet this cute little chihuaha which prompted a conversation with the man who later introduced himself as Michael.

He had an interesting life. Was handicapped and we had a good nostalgic conversation about the times he lived through, being that he was in his late 60s/early 70s.

I really enjoyed talking with him. We ran into each other a 2nd time about a week later and he kindly offered me a piece of Kentucky Fried Chicken which I declined because my appetite has gone to shit and I seem to have developed an aversion to heavily processed and fried foods.

But I helped him clear all of the takeout bags from his vehicle when he invited me to sit with him. He seemed extremely grateful for this small gesture of mine that I thought very little of.

And... It's strange how that works. How someone appreciates you for a gesture that you paid little thought towards.

Those small gestures make a big difference in people's lives.

And with that said...

Sighs.

The realtor lady came by to take pictures of the house and to officially list it on MLS starting tomorrow. She was impressed with the work I've done with the place and...

Well.. she was kind of... detached. In a personality/emotional type of way. I can't quite describe it but it felt like I was interacting with a person mimicking a human being.

Oddly enough, she was a former newscaster on a local TV station for many years that I did not recognize but my mother did. Andrea Engel of Global News.

Yet both times I've met her, I couldn't help but think that there was something quite off about her. Today she showed up with what looked like a herpes sore on her bottom right lip. Not that it particularly matters but it did make me wonder a little about her personal life. 

I told my mother the first time we met her that I suspected her of being on drugs. Meth or cocaine... I'm not sure as I haven't done either of those, but she was overly-energetic, somewhat jittery and detached as I mentioned, in an engaging sort of way.

Like a caricature of sorts.

I don't want to judge people but it is what I observed. 

She was nice as she toured my house, complimented many things, placed a sign on my front lawn and left after photos were taken.

Sighs... I can feel my mind struggling to keep typing. I don't know why that is. Some type of resistance.

I feel like I have a lot to say but not much interest in saying it. 

Two years of being unemployed throughout this plandemic has affected me. Every bit of news I read, podcast I listen to or video that I watch all have to do with lies and corruption. Hardly any of it is good, but I would rather be informed than to be kept ignorant.

And perhaps that is a large part of why I am struggling right now trying to find meaning and hope for the future.

Viktor Frankl in his memoir "Man's Search For Meaning" was an incredible book I had read many years ago that described what he went through as a concentration camp survivor. When there was no hope to be found, he still held onto it and the entire book can be summed up by a single sentence as to how this was done.

"He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how."

Anyone who has a strong enough reason to live can endure just about anything. In Viktor's case, his reason for living was to someday be reunited with his wife and after several years, this did happen.

However, Viktor also survived because he was a doctor and did not suffer as much as his peers in the same camp. His skill set aided in improving the chances of his survival.

That, and his having a wife to dream about and look forward to seeing again.

I don't have a why to live for and I am having difficulty imagining what I could come up with that will allow me to bear almost any "how" as Frankl has done.

What reason do I have to exist? Did I come onto this planet to eat, shit and die? Will this be the legacy I leave behind? That I made some people happy, other people angry and... I had a few mystical experiences in life that hardly anyone knows about because I would sound completely crazy if I described it to them?

I tried confiding in a woman named Natasha in a Telegram group for anti-vaxxers/no-mask mandates after a few weeks of conversation. She didn't reply to my saying that I thought I was Jesus or that I felt the spirit of Christ within me at 8 year intervals, 3 times in my life.

And she was religious. She was quoting Bible passages to me prior to my deciding to tell her a little about my experiences.

No response, and it's been over a week. Telegram has marked the message as "read" so I know it was seen.

I'm tired... I don't have a tribe that I fit into. I don't have a vocation that makes me valuable. I do not have a wife or a girlfriend to look forward to seeing. No kids, no job and soon no money.

What is there for me to look forward to in this world when it all seems to be falling apart?

I listed to David Whitehead earlier of the Truth Seeker podcast and I greatly enjoyed his take on how mental health can be preserved and the importance of having faith.

But... He's blessed for being a good talker and an attractive, athletic man who is highly intelligent and aware with a wife and kids that seem to love him.

I am not a good talker, I don't know if I'm particularly attractive and I do not have a girlfriend or kids.

I still do not have a "why" to bear almost any "how".

David in his podcast suggested that if someone did not have a mission or direction in life, then that it what their mission becomes. To find a mission and goal to aim towards.

Easier said than done, David.

I have tried finding my mission in life. I thought I would be a writer. Wrote hundreds of pages of stuff and nothing really worth publishing. 

Besides, who reads books these days anyways?

Is it possible for me to earn a living writing? Certainly, but as a fiction writer I would have to publish book after book and market them accordingly and...

It's like hoping for a lottery ticket to pay off. All that work and effort and a less than 0.0003% chance of winning the grand prize.

Or any prize really.

I can't say that I didn't try, but when my ex-girlfriends didn't express all that much interest or enthusiasm towards my work, I felt like it wasn't worth pushing forward with.

Why write to the ether if nobody truly cares about the things that I say.

Except as this blog is now made public, perhaps someone will stumble upon these words and...

Be entertained by them? What else would they be.

And then what?

I wrote on Medium for a year or so and that didn't bear much fruit either. Wrote some pretty good stuff on there I thought, but little engagement and a low number of subscribers.

When my ex Fola has 200+ subscribers and barely writes anything at all, it's quite demoralizing to see her sub count against my double-digits.

She didn't even have to try to get those subscribers and I'm certain that many of them are bots or from Facebook friends and people that she works with.

I have no interest in struggling to get eyeballs onto my work. That would be as difficult as writing itself and I wouldn't have the time or the willingness to spam my writings all over the internet in the hopes of getting people interested.

I believe that "if you build it, they will come" and for all the hard work and effort I put into my writing over the years, hardly anyone has come.

So why should I bother being excited about becoming a writer? Can't earn a living with it. Can't get enough people interested in reading.

But it is a form of therapy for me. It can be, not always, but sometimes makes me feel better for having laid my thoughts out in a way that I can crystallize and understand in more detail.

And preserve... for whomever comes across these words in the future.

Maybe my writing makes a meaningful difference, maybe it will make a difference down the line. I don't know... I don't really care and that complacency I feel towards the craft has reduced my ability to really make these words shine because I'm not caring enough about what it is I'm saying or how I am saying it.

Because this is not for others to see, only for myself.

Others are welcomed but not expected.

And this reminds me of my youth and the effects of having emotionally-neutered/distant parents growing up.

I thirst for the approval and love of others. I want people to value me. To sincerely appreciate the gifts that I share with them of my thoughts in detail enough so that they are entertaining, engaging and courageously vulnerable. If that makes any sense.

My eyes feel tired at the moment, like I am trying to stay awake. Too tired to pause long enough to find the "right" words and I'm typing off the top of my mind. Not caring about how this all looks.

I keep thinking, though.

What am I meant to be doing here? What was it that I am supposed to learn? 

And can I exist in this world without fear of being homeless and never being able to get a job or to rent or buy a home once I declare bankruptcy and give up most of my material possessions, including my vehicle and maybe phone and laptop?

Where's the light at this end of this tunnel? What dream could I aspire towards that will put fuel in my tank and a spring in my step?

What is my "why" so that I can bear almost any "how" ?

I would like to know what it is.

I prayed twice today... Asking both times to be shown what my path is to be.

And I plan on bringing it up again when I go to sleep.

Why am I here? What is the point of not getting a jab if I do not expect myself to live for much longer?

I am not kidding when I think that I might starve to death, or die in some premature way.

Because... if that is what the outcome will be, then my life...

Has not been lived as well as I would've liked it to be.

I have a mother who is unable to engage with me on an intellectual or spiritual level. Emotions seems to be all that she knows. The spectrum of discourse between us is a sadly narrow one. She has no greater thoughts or considered opinions on anything important.

I don't want to judge her, but this is my observation. As much as I appreciate her helping me to live in this house, I can't help but feel like she enjoys watching me fail. I don't know why that is but... I feel it. Especially when she perked up in thinking that she would be the "boss" over me should I move in with her.

"I'll be the boss!" she smiled, as this subject was discussed between us.  

It is difficult having a mother who feels like a weight rather than an asset.

As I'm sure she is to say the same of me. Having been unemployed and without a relationship for about two years now. 

Without any source of happiness, either. I don't feel happy listening to conspiracy podcasts and others that are in relation to what is going on in the world today. Truthfully with no BS. Uncensored and uncompromised.

It feels like this is all theater and I am watching a horror film play itself out. Everyone on the planet gets jabbed by an experimental concoction that was rushed through FDA trials and has a list of over 1,500 adverse side effects including "death".

As if Justin Bieber's facial paralysis and his wife having had a stroke isn't evidence enough of how horrific of a movie we've all found ourselves watching and playing a part of.

There will come a time when my mother will pass away and with that, leave me all alone in this world. 

My half-sisters rejected me, despite how badly I wanted to develop a relationship with them.

My cousins are off doing their own things. Having rejected me, despite us having wonderful times together in our childhood.

I don't have a rapport going with any of my aunts or uncles. Some of whom I haven't talked to in years and neither has my mother.

I am already alone and isolated.

I do not have a "why" to bear almost any "how".

But... for the grace of God Himself... who appears to be silent in my greatest time of need.

I don't know what else to say... to look forward to... 

To feel comforted by...

Just having a girlfriend who is sincere and appreciative would help. But who would want to date someone like me? At this age of 44 looking down the barrel of a gun that the World Economic Forum is slowly squeezing the trigger of.

It is not just about me. It's everyone who is being affected by this.

Well...

Everyone except the willfully ignorant... Who aren't reading articles or paying attention to the roll out of a dystopian future planned for the enslavement of humanity.

It's so much like a movie it's ridiculous. Klaus Schwab... the villain... Bill Gates...

Sighs.

Such a parody... and maybe this is really what it is.

Just a show.

But as curious as I am about the ending, I don't feel like I will be able to make it far enough down the path to be able to see how it all unfolds.

And whether or not a miracle will somehow present itself to reverse the damage that such corruption and lies has wrought upon us. The betrayal of our institutions and the destruction of our old way of life.

Everything is going to shit. Music, movies, books, television shows, comedy, politics, health care....

Everything.

This truly is the apocalypse and I am at a loss for what I should do.

Other than to continue cleaning out my home which feels like a constant, never-ending battle.

So much stuff... I stand guilty of the crime of materialism without ever realizing it... And it's not even really materialism, but... knowledge and beauty and truth and wisdom that I appreciate seeing in physical forms. Whether it is a statue or a book or a song. 

I appreciate the heart of humanity inherent in each of these things. The soul behind the written words, the sculptor, the voice that sings, the creativity and skill of a film director and writer.

I appreciate all of the good and beautiful things that represent Truth in this world and resonance with creation.

Should that be a crime, I stand guilty.

But that is now coming to an end.

As I get my house in order and hope for it to sell.

Lord help me on this quest and may the God inside of myself find courage and reason to once again emerge from it's hidden burrow.

And point me to where I need to go.

Point me to where I can be used best.

Point me home.

I'm tired... can barely keep my eyes awake.

I am soon to call it a night.

Time for bed and hope for blessings.

A new day tomorrow is soon to be born.

And perhaps opportunity and blessings shall come.

Amen.

The New Abnormal

 As I write this, a video talking about how water wells are going to be regulated is playing in the background. Anyone with a private well is going to have to report their existence and the quantity of water being drawn so that it can be taxed and regulated in the state of California.

Earlier today I read about how the WEF wants to ban private ownership of vehicles so as to get those from the rural areas into the cities. This would sound absurd if I didn't already know that in Sri Lanka, gas is being rationed through a cell-phone app. It is no small leap to see that this could and likely will happen here at some point.

Pope Francis is in Alberta right now. Doesn't seem like much public interest in his arrival. The head chief of one of the tribes refused to acknowledge our great crime minister by walking straight past him as he partook in a truth and reconciliation meeting/ceremony of sorts. As he should.

And my hearing-aid practitioner knew a surprisingly amount of the details that I shared with her regarding what is happening and where I see everything going. No digital ID, no health-care, no gas, no place to live, no job.

To top it all off, my mother will not listen to reason. She is not persuaded by common-sense, logic or facts no matter what I tell her. Home prices are dropping, interest rates are rising, there are close to 200 properties for sale in the Fort Saskatchewan area with listings having been up for a two months or more. She will not lower the price to a reasonable level, telling me "not to worry" when I describe how serious the situation can be if we do not sell this place by the winter. Because who is going to be shopping for a new home in the wintertime?

I am... reaching the point of not caring anymore. I'm going to be filing for bankruptcy which means that my mother will have to pay the utilities on a meager income. Trying to tell her about how important it is that we sell this before the winter has no effect on her. This is the same woman that argued with me at the bank about wanting a variable interest rate mortgage for a 3 year term rather than going with a fixed 5 year at less than 2%.

I can't persuade her. She will not listen to me. She shuts down my concerns with "I don't want to talk about it" or changing the subject by saying "are those new socks you're wearing?"

Ridiculous. She is setting us up both to fail and only I seem to know it. But I am powerless. I cannot change her mind and she is not learning from how it has taken her over a year to sell her home because she priced it too high, despite both myself and two other realtors insisting it needs to come down in price.

Which it did, from $315,000 to the final sell price of $288k because she kept dropping the price three times.

And still, she refuses to learn from all that. This place is priced at $305k when it really is worth about $296k.

I can't wait around a year for this place to sell. Not when they are likely to raise interest rates even further and housing prices are collasping all over the country.

She is taking us to hell in a handbasket but who knows... maybe it will sell before November. Before the winter.

I don't know what to say anymore. My mother has never been an intelligent, thoughtful woman. She does not plan ahead. She does not look ahead, she does not keep herself informed or consider the facts.

Just tells me "don't worry" each time I bring up my concerns. Shuts me down every time.

Well, I am worried and I do not see a good future for either of us. She once phoned to tell me about how she was doing a lot of "thinking" and wants to move in. Changed her mind a week later.

And I am still fucking stressed but at the point where I really don't care anymore. I can't fight this. There is no point in ripping my hair out and screaming at the sky over things that I cannot control or being given a voice to speak towards. She will not let me have my voice. She will not listen to reason.

And this is where I'm... sad to admit that our lives are not going to end well with all of this garbage happening. Should we sell the house before November, I will be jubilant, but if I am filing for bankruptcy, I will be completely dependent on her. I may not even have a vehicle.

Or a place to put any of my stuff. 

And... a happy outcome is difficult for me to imagine throughout any of this. I can follow scenarios and possibilities and predict some things into the future with the information that I have been studying and learning about. Are interest rates likely to increase between now and November? Quite likely. Will home prices be even harder to afford? Absolutely.

But try telling my mother any of that. Instead, she'll say "are those new socks?" rather than take anything of what I say seriously.

This kind of disrespect and ignorance is... going to bury me. I can't imagine living with her for a prolonged period of time. This is a woman that changes her mind by the minute and makes decisions by the seat of her pants without any due consideration or deliberation.

I could be a banking expert or financial planner and it would make no difference. She does not respect my opinion, she is not swayed by facts.

And so it must be that we will be heading towards... well, something.

And... I honestly feel like leaving all this behind to go into the woods, set up a tent and take my chances out there because I at least can live with some measure of dignity for myself and preserve my mental health from someone who clearly has trouble managing her own.

This... is not the life that I expected to have. I have made mistakes, I have taken chances with my money and reached $200,000 in investments at one point but did not cash it in because I had a "feeling" that I could wait one more day before doing so. Instead, I didn't, despite the sincere gratitude I expressed towards the universe for having reached such a milestone. I did my best to listen to my heart and mind and faith and...

Here I am. On the verge of financial ruin. Stuck with a house filled with stuff that I am going to have difficulty removing and unlikely to keep should I declare bankruptcy and be forced to live with her.

All I'm glad is that my name is not on the title of this. But maybe, if it was, I could price the house accordingly so that it will sell quicker.

But that is not how it is.

I have a hard time respecting my mother for any of all this and it is no secret that she does not respect me. We have a pretend relationship. She hasn't respected me in a long time. If ever. No matter what I did or didn't do.

I wish I could talk to her like a normal human being. To appeal to her intelligence, to common sense, but... that is not the type of woman she is. She is content to spend her day watching game shows on TV, the Bachelor, 90 Day Fiance and... remaining oblivious to the crisis that looms before us. 

Telling me not to "worry" and changing the subject whenever it gets uncomfortable for her. 

Because she will not respond to facts. 

No matter what I say.

Perhaps her mind will change a few months into this. Maybe she will realize that I am right at some point and that the house should be priced lower. I live here, I know what I see and experience and can ascertain the value of something that I myself would be willing to pay for. 

And if I know her, her mind will start to change in a few months. But by then, it might be too late.

Who is going to move here in the winter? Who can afford a place like this?

Then again, a lot of people are moving here from other provinces. Perhaps they sold their homes in Ontario, BC and other such places to be able to afford one here.

I hope that this will be the case.

And that there are buyers out there, looking, even though I myself would prefer to wait it out for prices to drop further. Had it been me looking for a new home.

But maybe a miracle will happen. 

We will have to see.

There is so much stress in me right now. So much that I am growing numb as a response to it. Not feeling much. Not hoping for much. Not seeing a path to happiness knowing what I know now.

Maybe they will roll out emergency cheques or a universal basic income. If they lock us down again over Monkeypox or some other type of emergency, I'm not sure many Albertans will be able to survive the carnage that will result.

Especially over a cold winter.

Try being homeless in -40c weather.

And the numbers are growing by the day. I can see people on the street with humorless, tightly-drawn faces. No longer expressing the easy smiles and light in their eyes like they used to.

There are still people driving around, alone in their cars, with a mask on.

Walking outside even. 

In the end, I know that I would rather starve to death in the bush than to be controlled and enslaved by such corruption and immorality. Consenting to the new system is a quiet endorsement of the chaos that a small group of people have inflicted upon the world. 

If you can even call such psychopaths, "people".

In my mind, the image of a shirtless, smirking Elon Musk on the beach pops up. I'd never seen his upper body before but it reminded me so much of the same shape that Bill Gates has.

It's this unnatural, barrel-looking chest and stomach that looks extremely unhealthy and out of proportion.

I have heard many theories claiming that such figures are evil entities in disguise. Lizard people, basically, as crazy as it sounds but with what has been happening over the past few years, these type of theories have a way of proving themselves to be true.

All the crisis that is happening has been manufactured and planned long ago in advance.

The End Game as Alex Jones would call it.

The end of human freedom, dignity and critical thought.

I have moved past being worried sick about this but there are times when it hits me like a wave. 

And all I can think is that should I die prematurely, I do not think I can say that I have accomplished much with my life.

How would I report myself to be? How can I explain the way I behaved during my time on this planet?

I think about the past times when I truly felt myself to be filled with the spirit of a higher, more evolved form of consciousness and I genuinely felt as if I was Jesus himself in some of these moments. The best and worst of times.

I still pray every night... and in the end I know that death is not something to fear.

What I do fear is having wasted my life with little to show for it.

What I fear is being forced to become a rat on a treadmill going nowhere in life because all avenues towards happiness has been closed off.

You can't even find a woman on a dating app these days who is worthy of being called wife material, and that is assuming they would find me attractive enough to want to be with. A man with no employment, soon to be bankrupt, soon to live with his mother.

I showed mom some of the women that shows up in OkCupid as I swiped left through dozens who were extremely overweight, with dead lifeless eyes and a few posting pictures of themselves with masks on, as if they were somehow doing a good and virtuous service for the rest of us. 

They wear their ignorance with pride. They cannot see what is coming either.

Or how they have all been conned by this nonsense.

It is so easy for me to give up on humanity and I almost feel like I am at that point.

Perhaps I am there already but do not have the courage to admit it.

And should I admit it, I would also be admitting that there is no hope for us.

Not for me in starting a family, finding work that I enjoy doing and living life to the fullest.

Because the WEF is bending us to their whims. Turning us into slaves.

And closing off the exit as they watch from afar with amusement, hoping we will be at each other's throats.

As I drove around the northside of Edmonton spotting suspicious characters left and right and seeing a lone, solitary man walking far outside of the city going to who knows where -- I wonder how bad crime will become. If inflation continues, rent increases, taxes go up, insurance goes up, food prices go up...

Well... we're all going to go down and become a 3rd world nation like Cuba.

I've already been seeing a numerous amount of vehicles in poor condition on the streets., Windows covered with cardboard because the glass has been shattered and the owner unlikely able to afford a replacement. People driving around on the spare tire because, as I found out a few days ago, the cost of a tire has become prohibitively expensive for people to buy.

Imagine if someone slashed all four of your tires one day. The cost to replace them will be close to $2,000. 

Who is going to be able to afford $2,000 these days?

My mother complained about the cost of her car insurance and said she signed for a "one-way" plan where if something happens to her or her vehicle, compensation will not be awarded.

It's fucked up.

So fucking fucked up.

I found out from her today that people in Cuba cannot find beer for themselves. They no longer sell it in the stores (although rum is still available). And the resort employee she knows is saying that there was only 1 tourist on the beach for him to serve.

One tourist. 

Let that sink in for a moment. 

How is anyone able to earn a living wage for themselves?

What hope do they cling to?

What do they tell themselves so that they can sleep at night.

What do they tell their children when they cannot afford basic necessities?

When there is no future for them?

Should prophecy play out, the rise of the "anti-Christ" is likely to emerge with a solution.

Perhaps this is what will happen. A wiping out of debt and a universal basic income implemented.

But only if we use the app. 

And likely only if we've had our inoculations and have a high social credit score as a result of our obedience and not questioning the corruption behind our government and institutions.

There is going to be a lot of poverty. A lot of death. People will die in Germany from the cold because they cannot afford the fuel needed to heat their homes.

Assuming they even have a home.

So fucked up is this world.

I do not want to die knowing that I did little to help undo it. I feel responsible for the welfare of others more so than my own at times.

My mother pointed this out to me earlier as well.

"Worry about yourself! Don't care so much about other people!"

Maybe she's right, but still... 

I do care about other people.

I want us to get out from under this mess.

And yet I do not know how this can be.

I supposed we will have to wait.

And react to what comes next.

Just like animals being lead to the slaughterhouse, we each have to wait our turn before our eyes open wide enough to see what is being done ahead in the line.

It's not looking good.

God help us.

For the Truth must set us free.

There is nothing else that matters more in this spiritual battle we found ourselves in.

No weapon more potent.

And yet...

Yet...

We still march ourselves to the slaughter.

Out of fear.

The lowest level of faith.

Should I die without having achieved anything of merit, I will give voice to my helplessness and inability to be guided in the correct direction.

I will give voice to my heart, and reveal that good intentions were buried all along.

I will speak of my faith and loyalty and the events in my life that solidified them.

I will.

I will.

Endure for as long as I can.

In the New Abnormal.

A House of LIes

 I am sitting on my couch, listening to the whir of the refrigerator as well as the constant humming and throbbing of my neighbor's central air fan that is pointed at the side of my house and I am...

Weeping for myself and the world.

I'm going to go bankrupt. The house I live in belongs to my mother and she does not want to price it at a level where it could sell quickly. Similar duplexes in the area have been on the market for more than 2 months. The realtor is coming by Tuesday morning to take photographs and I am stressed.

I am so fucking stressed.

And I have no one to talk to. Not a soul.

Not one person anywhere in the world.

Except for God. 

And lately it feels that God has not been listening.

At the park earlier today as I escaped the constant cleaning and rearranging of furniture and... deciding what items I need to donate and what items to keep and... my mind just... paused at one point while I was sitting on a bench looking at the North Saskatchewan river flowing by.

I tried to release my thoughts from worry, to get off my phone from which I spend most of the day either reading depressing news or listening to podcasts that discuss depressing news but... 

It's so hard sometimes. Especially when I remember the world before 2020.

My childhood was memorable but... the things that I loved about it all seem to have gone away.

The cartoons, the movies, the music, the books, the television shows... What is being produced right now is nothing like it was. Nothing really inspires, teaches or presents itself with good and moral intentions. Sesame Street has Elmo pushing for little kids to get jabbed by a medical concoction that has been hurting and killing people all around the world. Many movies are dark, includes graphic sex and horrific scenes of violence and dehumanization. Popular music grinds down the soul by promoting money, drugs, sex and hedonism in subtle ways -- normalizing degradation of women and men, bringing humanity down to the level of a primitive beast.

These are the end times. The population is deliberately being reduced. While I could not believe that this was happening in the last year of 2021 and thought that humanity would find a way to "defeat" those that are responsible for all this, I am now believing that the resurgence of Nazi Germany is being deployed upon us on a global scale.

Everyone who did not get the vaccine is a "Jew" with the only difference being is that we don't have to wear yellow stars to signify and publicly display our religious beliefs. We now have smartphones with centralized health data that already knows who is and who isn't vaccinated. Who does and who does not support the covid lie that has been perpetuated on us.

World War 3 is now here and sometimes it is surreal enough for me to feel like I am watching a movie, not really participating in what is going on.

But as I sat there on the park bench listening to the crows squawk nearby, I realized that participation makes no difference. I am affected nonetheless just like many others will soon be if they are not already.

Only the Amish and those with resources enough to be able to live in the country in a self-sufficent way off-grid are able to insulate themselves from the takeover of the human race.

One of my considerations in the last year was deciding on a place to build a new life with and Cuba emerged as an immediate thought. As ludicrous as it sounds now, I thought that a third world country was vastly preferable to the tyranny being inflicted upon us in Canada.

A few days ago I watched a video and it seems that Cubans are experiencing a country-wide blackout of power and electricity. 

I thought about Nicaragua, Mexico, Poland... they all have their own unique set of challenges. I do not know enough Spanish or Polish to be able to function in a new country and should I be travelling by myself, it would be made ever the more harder to deal with to the point that I don't think a decision like this would end well. I likely would be robbed or taken advantage of and the new life I hoped for would not include a happy ending being a foreigner in a strange land.

It doesn't matter how much money I have or where I would go, every place is affected by this or soon will be.

Riots are occurring in Sri Lanka, Italy, the Netherlands, Ecuador, parts of Africa and with inflation growing worse and worse, the European Union, Canada, USA and other countries are unlikely to be spared the effect of this global extermination of the human race and the control centralized powers wish to exert over us.

I take it back, if I did have unlimited funds, I would move out into the bush and set up a homestead but... let's be honest, I wouldn't enjoy my time there alone. I would lose my mind.

People need people to be around with. To laugh and cry and make love to and have babies and grow spiritually, professionally, emotionally...

We are a social creature and cannot hope to isolate ourselves without experiencing a strain on our mental health. There would be no reason to live, nothing to hope for, should a single man like myself move into the woods and ignore the world for however long he can.

I am so alone. No one to talk to about any of this. My mother and I can only engage on a shallow and narrow spectrum of discussion because she refuses to see what I see. To hear my concerns and address them with any kind of insight that offers actionable value because... she does not have all the information that I have. She does not see what is happening and refuses to believe that it is.

When I told her that I might not be able to ever work due to needing a vaccination, her response was:

"Well then you'll have to get vaccinated!"

My God... those wicked people in power. Planning this for years. I don't think it is even Klaus Schwab and the WEF who is behind all this, no, that group is a front for more powerful influences that value anonymity and pull the strings of politicians the world over using money as bait and coercion as threat.

I cannot see a way for us out of this. Once digitial IDs and rationing happens, all in the name of "science" and "climate change", we are done. Finished. There will not even be a way to purchase fuel for our vehicles should our digital ID/passport/social credit denies us the right to do so for whatever reason of non-compliance or resistance that we offer.

Such dark times we are in. It is so hard to find hope in a world like this. It would take an unexpected miracle to pull off.

And perhaps that is what we are to expect next. 

But, as with everything else, even a miracle can be manipulated should the mainstream media decide not to report upon it.

How would we know, if Canadians will have their internet soon restricted and controlled by the passing of Bill C-11 that anything in the world reported upon is true? A miracle would have to escape the control mechanism that has infiltrated all of our institutions, government bodies and... 

I could go on and on about how hopeless it looks. What happens if we cannot get the truth? If the internet is restricted or censored? If a nuclear bomb went off in New York and the powers that be decide against it being reported, would we ever get to know?

If a resistance movement is successful in a certain part of the world, will we get to know?

If a terrible crime is committed or the rate of suicide dramatically increases, will we be given the facts? Can we trust the numbers presented to us as truth? Do the powers that be have ability and capability to be able to shut out this kind of information?

It seems like they do. Twitter, Facebook, Reddit... there are no safe havens online for men like me to freely converse upon without the feeling that all of my words are being recorded and scrutinized for key triggers that will prompt a human review, which will then label me in a certain way so that I may never be able to get employment, a house, a girlfriend, medical assistance, a rental property, food and so on.

If everything goes digital, we are DONE.

And it is the direction we are headed towards. Total surveillance through our smart phones and total control by artificial intelligence and algorithms.

There will come a time when we may not be able to investigate the truth for ourselves and instead are expected to accept a narrative and explanation provided for us by unelected figures of "authority".

Such darkness. Such madness and evil on this planet.

I have been reading up on all of this for over two years. Spending hours each day looking at the screen in my hands, realizing that any kind of dependency is a means of control and we are all being controlled whether we like it or not.

Not a single one of us can manufacture a car from scratch. Not a single one of us can refine and produce fuel outside of government control and regulation. 

And if that becomes controlled and payment is in digital dollars which can be tracked and allocated only to those who obey the "rules"; this then means no heat, no travel, no power.

No living.

Unless we are given permission to do any of the things we desire to do.

This is... the greatest evil perpetuated upon humanity since the beginning of our existence.

And... there is much that I felt guilty and shameful about as I sat on the park bench. The way I lived and loved was not how I wanted it to be. 

All those years of my life being enamored by technology, by media... books and songs and stories...

It's all coming down like the towers on 9/11.

And the majority of people do not appear to have critical thought enough to realize that something doesn't smell right or the foresight to see where this is all going.

Not only is humanity being threatened, coerced and controlled by deviant psychopaths who want to erase our cultural, national and gender identities, but many of us have unwittingly assisted these monsters in building the prison walls that are forming around our souls.

Because let's face it, most everything is controlled by technology these days and when technology restricts or bans certain undesirables from using it; it wields the power of life and death. Over our means to get a job, to pursue a meaningful career, to find a lover, a spouse, to have children and raise them to feel optimistic and excited about the future... It's all connected to technology at some level and such technology is being controlled in the hands of a very tiny few.

I weep for this world, as I stuff a handful of chocolate almonds into my mouth, knowing well that these candies may no longer exist at a certain time in the future or become prohibitively expensive to buy.

All I can do is let the numbness take over and try not to deny myself some of the things that I enjoy consuming.

There is no future for us here. Even the most obedient among us will revolt at some point, realizing that such a system of control is unnatural and avenues to realize one's happiness will come at a hefty price.

There are 36 "smart" cities planned by the World Economic Forum and the only one in Canada will be Toronto.

The rest of this country will be taken to their knees. By way of vaccine injuries, civil war, poverty, homelessness or all and many combinations of the above.

I feel so tired writing about all this. There is no hope for us.

No hope but a miracle.

Please God, should you be good and merciful.

Hear the cries among us who knows the truth.

We must be delivered from this evil.

We must.

For then there shall be no reason or way for us to live.

There will be no hope.

Humanity will be finished.

I feel like this is the last "normal" summer of our lives.

I...

...I 

I have no words left in these fingers of mine.

My eyes are tired, my heart weary, my mind blank.

...

and still.. I know I went through this life with the best of intentions.

Even if I didn't accomplish much.

I am grateful for the good times that I had.

But I hate how we've all become.

I loathe those who refuse to think, to question, to examine.

Those that do not desire truth will be fed a dish of lies.

Until they realize themselves of an empty stomach, hungry once more.

For something better.

...

I am tired.

I feel soulless.

Heavy.

I don't know how to conclude this post.

It is dark outside. Cloudy skies. Noisy traffic going by.

It is what it is.

A Concrete Block On My Back

 There are no monkeys on anyone's backs now. It's concrete. Heavy concrete blocks that are weighing each of us Truth tellers down.

 Because what is happening right now in this country and in most parts of the world is a heavy and horrific burden to bear.

Today as I sat by the North Saskatchewan river feeling the sun against my skin, my mind welcomed the brief recess I'd given towards consuming news articles, videos and podcasts on my phone.

My thoughts wandered and turned to thinking about the precipice that humanity as found itself upon.

We are living in dangerous times. All institutions of value and influence has been compromised, captured or otherwise taken out of commission.

Social media is an unreliable source of news, censorship abounds, Steve Bannon was found guilty of contempt towards congress for his refusal to become a political pawn.

And yet, he has become one. Two years in jail is the maximum sentence with sentencing scheduled to happen in October.

Tamara Lich continues to languish in jail. Yet oddly enough, Artur Pavlovsky the Canadian preacher who went viral for yelling at the "gestapo" (Alberta Health Services) to leave church services that they have intruded upon.

And the people who were escorted into the capital building on Jan 6th are still in jail a year and a half later.

It has become beyond obvious at this point. Corruption in government, in health care, in media and corporations has reached levels that appear to be beyond repair.

Humanity is being forced against it's will into a new paradigm. One where we will be eating bugs and will no longer be happy.

Because at that point, all freedom is lost. We will be tracked from birth to death with everything known about us. What we eat. What our preferences are. What type of media we consume, what we think.

And...

It is very hard for me to find a silver lining in any of all this. A glimmer of hope. A chance to reverse all this damage and restore trust and faith in our institutions.

When human rights activists around the world turn a blind eye to the forced inoculation of billions of people on the planet, you know that society has given up its backbone and freedom will be a word that our children will have difficulty in imagining the meaning and experience of.

From birth to death.

A part of me is wanting to say, "well, quite a pickle we got ourselves into" in a way that keeps the door open for some recourse or lesson to be learned before society returns to normal.

It does not look like society will be returning to normal anytime soon.

We are being pushed towards the technocratic new world order where a small handful of individuals hold the keys to what we can and cannot do on this planet.

It seems, as I sat by the river looking out into the distance, that there will no longer be a point to living if we are not free to go about our lives unimpeded. We will have become slaves to a system that was meant to serve us and is now working to enrich the psychopaths who have installed themselves into the highest seats of power.

The less than 1% controlling 99% of the rest of us.

Whitesnake "Here I Go Again" is playing on my headphones as I write this. I have not listened to music for any meaningful length of time in the past couple of months. If not longer.

I am being reminded of days past that are no longer with us and unlikely to emerge again. For who knows how long.

Until humanity finds reason to be optimistic again, I suppose. Until we are free.

Stargate the movie spoke of aliens and their technology having enslaved us thousands of years ago. Eventually at the end, humanity pulls together and with the help of James Wood and Kurt Russell, finds their freedom restored.

Is this real life? Or is it a fantasy?

We're caught in a landslide going down to the bottom of the mud pit. 

And it will not be easy to extricate ourselves from this mess.

What's worse, it seems at least half the population is asleep to all that is going on and the ramifications of such evil being allowed free reign. 

But... it almost seems like they deserve such a fate for not being able to exercise discernment.

9/11 was the wake-up call. The test to see just how oblivious people are and how effective propaganda can be in presenting a false narrative that many shrug their shoulders and end up accepting. 

That collective shrug of shoulders is what got us here.

My heart and soul has finished weeping for their fate. There is not much anyone can do to help the sleepers awaken to what is going on. It has been over two years and each day something new is reported on that further closes the walls of our cell, resembling much the scene from A New Hope where Luke, Leia, Hans and Chewie are in the garbage compactor fighting with all of their strength to keep from getting crushed.

Except in this case, a good amount of people are not fighting with all of their strength. It almost seems as if they are simply sitting on the floor watching the few of us look upon them with disbelief at their unwillingness to turn the tides of their fate.

It seems that they choose to give up on humanity by giving up on themselves. By not exercising the gift of discernment which apparently, many have not developed to a degree sufficient enough to warrant a massive outrage against those responsible for the crisis we have found ourselves in.

Lord help us Jesus. Our souls are in your hands.

...and I cannot help but flinch inwardly as the brief recollection of past experiences flitter across my mind. 

Because there was more than 1 occasion that I felt myself to be that man crucified on the cross. Feeling as he felt. Thinking as he thought.

Loving as he loved.

His Father, who art in Heaven.

And with all I have studied and learned over the years, I feel like the Truth of our reality is emerging from its hidden depths as billions of us are being enslaved by a small group of power-hungry, psychopathic deviant tyrants.

That concrete block weighing down on my mind continues to press itself.

Harder and harder with each passing day.

Fear is the lowest level of faith.

May we experience the hand of God Himself at our side as we navigate this troubled, evil world.

May God save us.

For there would be no reason left to exist if he did not do so.

Survival of the fittest is a lie.

Truth can never be destroyed.

It will always find a way.

In this life or the next.

...

For there would be no reason to be.

If Truth was not upheld by a divine hand.,

For it would prove that divinity cannot exist should it fail to render aid at a time when help is most needed.

And that is the scariest part.

Fear is the lowest level of faith.

And we are immortal beings.

Let us go forth with sadness but with conviction and service of the Truth.

An empire of lies cannot last for long.

Before it crumbles.

Let it go.

Let it go.

Let it go for good.

New Day New Dawn

 Two years. It has been two years of being at home, without work and watching the beginning of the world catching on fire.

It can be hard to bear at times, such as tonight, right now as I feel the urge to type about what has been going through my mind. To organize loose thoughts, connect ideas, lay out a plan and means of survival for the future.

Just an hour ago I was in bed scrolling through Twitter and saw a post by Jordan Peterson expressing unusual displeasure at a Canadian bill being considered in the senate called Bill C-11.

This bill is about internet censorship in Canada. As far as I can tell, it also looks like privacy might be compromised among those that access internet sites which may not be in line with the "official" narrative of what Justin Trudeau, the Liberals, the New Democratic Party and the World Economic Forum wants.

They want control. Complete control over everyone. 

And, this spurred me onto other thoughts and news I had consumed earlier in the day. Prior to the tweet, I had been listening to Charlie Robinson of Microaggressions talking about what is going on with drag queen story hour and how pedophilia is being normalized in schools and universities.

It is a terrible evil that has been unleashed upon the American and Canadian public.

It is even more so, should terrible news outside of the country fail to make it inside of our borders for us to know about. How will we receive news that could be of critical importance and understanding if certain news sources are blocked within Canadian jurisdiction? Should a catastrophe befall a certain country, nation or person that threatens the "official" narrative, how would we know of it? Would we be living in ignorance? Oblivious to the going-ons of the world outside of Canada? Or not being able to access truthful and factual information, simply because it is damaging to the political ruling class?

When the RCMP commissioner at the time of the deadly Nova Scotia shootings two years ago, today, was found out to have acted upon a political decision in her characterization and handling of the incident upon request by the PM office; it is extremely concerning so see how easily people are manipulated into acting in unlawful and unethical ways, simply to advance an agenda.

It's events like the shooting at Ulvade in the States that draws attention to the state of law and order in both countries. The mainstream state media is given directive to cast the incident in the most horrifying light possible and strangely enough, legislation is soon tabled with further restrictions in place for Canadians and Americans. Red flag laws for America, handgun ban for Canadians.

It truly is an evil being unleashed upon the Western Hemisphere. Upon us. Good and innocent people who grew up in a world that seemed chaotic but fair. A world where humanity expressed love and faith through songs, books, movies and art. 

I don't see much of what it used to be, these days. Not much of how it was at all when I was a young boy happily looking forward to activities that today's children are unable to experience in the same way that I did. 

The 1980s were an imperfect decade, as all of them were, but culturally it was rich and filled with promise. Rock stars sold out giant stadiums filled with adoring fans all clustered together and cheering with no regard for viruses or social-distancing or anyone dehumanizing themselves by wearing a mask.

I miss those days. Eating sugary cereal from a big bowl with a wooden spoon in front of the television watching the Smurfs. The WWF and Stampede Wrestling. Video Hits and MTV where music videos was all that was on. 24/7.

The hair, the clothes, the attitude and beliefs. Humanity and America were once defined by the opulence and style of each of the decades. America's greatest export has always been culture. From Elvis Presley to Ronald Reagan, NBA basketball and Kanye West; American values and ideals were all represented through various mediums and public figures. 

And now, the soul of humanity itself appears to be tested in these times, as the 2020s will hereafter be forever known as the "covid-19" years where hysterics and accompanying legislation were produced to the effect of wrecking the global economy in exchange for keeping us "safe" from a virus that originally had a less than 2% mortality rate with the majority of deaths occurring in otherwise unhealthy people with several other health conditions sensitive to the effect of respiratory illness and disease.

As I lay here on the couch, looking at the time past midnight and feeling quite awake; I feel a clarity that somehow permeates my spirit. There were moments when I followed my thoughts about the various news items of the day to their logical conclusions and felt the potential of fear intruding upon my heart, threatening to coat it in a thick slime that hardens to the plight of the world.

But I have dealt with fear before. There is no point to any of it. Living with fear is different than living with preparedness. With faith and divine guidance, we are often lead to consider destinations and avenues of growth that heretofore may have remained unknown to us. We are presented with the simple choice of do or do not. Do we do? Or do not? 

Each step and thought preceding it stems from one's interpretation of the data the world presents and the individual place within it. Who am I? Why am I here? What am I meant to do? Are some of the questions that have shaped and oriented our lives. 

And for these inquiries, access to the wisdom of the heart often fulfills what news websites and social media cannot. 

When I feel moments of helplessness and compassion for the most of us who are affected; I tend to smoke like a chimney. I'll go outside every 20 minutes for a cigarette to get a break from the information I am digesting online. School shootings and gun legislation, Sri Lanka going bankrupt, China using covid-health apps to restrict the ability of citizens to withdraw money from the banks.

It all piles up and weighs upon me.

Until I step outside, look around, and see that the world is still standing. The sun is still shining. The breeze is still blowing.

The world as beautiful as it always was.

And when I breath in the distinct smell of a forthcoming rain, I feel charged, alive and a part of the human experience that does not include political affiliation as a requisite for the enjoyment of life.

The life that I have been given by the Creator, to do as must be done. 

To realize the purpose that each of us have are expected to fulfill.

To that, I wish you well dear reader, should you be experiencing similar concerns and thoughts.

Let the Truth guide our way.

In a new day and dawn.

Until the end of time.

Bless.

A Snake Biting It's Own Tail

 How would the future look like if we don't give our kids anything to get excited about? To tell them that the dream worth realizing is presented to them through a conniving media and is completely distorted and detached from the values we all should hold dear.

Justice. Truth, Beauty, Love.

Without these things, life would not be worth living. These are all stuctural beams holding up the bedrock of modern civilization and are the key components of individual and collective happiness.

Because when we feel safe, we can express the truth. When we can express our truth, we become beautiful and when we become beautiful, we express love and that creates a ripple that is felt to every corner of this earth even by those who aren't directly aware of it. They are able to feel it on a deeper and more psychic level.

I'm sorry my blog, for not updating as long as I have. I just bought a new laptop a few days ago rationalizing this purchase by claiming that I can't type well and effectively with the keyboard on the laptop I bought a year ago. And it's true, it was such a cramped keyboard because of that second screen on the top of it. It was a 14 inch too. This new HP Envy 15" has been such a joy so far to use. Although I'm not particularly fond of how clicky-sounding the trackpad is when I press it.

It has been a while, huh? I don't know what to cover. Still single, still alone and unsure of what to do. I'm still seeing signs about my taking a big risk and aiming to realize my dreams and... it's just that I'm not completely sure what the steps are to get to the realization of those dreams. Like, owning an acreage and buying a nice home for my mother... how would I be getting from here to there?

So... it's been a rather uneventful last few months to be honest. I think I did cover my trip to... Oooh, I don't think I did. My trip to Vancouver in May where I rented a huge white Ford Expedition that I didn't honestly need all that much space for and I went for a two day drive to Vancouver. Stayed at a couple of AirBnbs along the way and met with family members I haven't seen in a long time. It was quite an experience. Maybe I should write down some of the highlights while I can still remember them.

I started smoking cigarettes again once I arrived at the first gas station in Vancouver. I thought I would celebrate my arrival and unfortunately I became hooked again, buying almost a pack a day until around four days ago when I had my last one. So, that's been quite a few months of puffing on those poison sticks. I mean I love the buzz they give me but I also noticed that there's been an apathy that developed when I started smoking again. I started to care less and less about the world around me. We're in a pandemic, everyone has to get vaccinated, I GET IT. But leave me alone... I can't get the needle anyways. Heart condition, allergic reaction to one of the ingrediants and my immune system has been quite robust for the past several years. I can't remember the last time I was sick. It's so strange to see the news filled with talk about cases when I don't even know of anyone who has been sick enough for needing to have a vaccine to prevent it. I don't think anyone under 70 really has to be concerned about it.

Man... I picked a bad time to decide to start typing. It's almost three in the morning and I need to pray and get to sleep. But... I'm working on stuff. I'm hoping with this new laptop it will get me excited enough to begin writing more again. There are two things that are missing in my life right now that used to bring me great joy and that is reading interesting books and writing fun and meaningful and personal stuff. Reading and writing, that's about all I need.

And I was going to say "and a woman" but then wonder if that is even a good idea for me right now. I do want a companion I get along well with but I have to be honest and say that right now I'm not a man that has carved out his place in the world. I'm still unsure what my role is in the grand scheme of things. Even in the local scheme of things. But I do know that I have been watched and directed before and I will be again. When my intuition kicks in, and I embrace and accept myself for who I am completely and appreciate and engage with the world around me, then... life is great and a woman would only add to it.

Instead, I've been with mostly women who have subtracted value from my life. Maybe that is the mistake I have been making. I should demand a relationship where both people are interested in adding to each other's life and happiness by giving them all the gifts that love has to offer. Love is transformative and although I still haven't heard from Fola since December, I know she has been changed by it and is still changing from the experience she's had by being my girlfriend for almost three years.

It's tough sometimes to face those memories and figure out where I am to be held accountable for the failure of the relationship. We had it pretty good. I don't know why she was so ...selfish and flaky. Just causing problems rather than building anything harmonious. In the months since we broke up, I really spent a lot of time evaluating the relationship and my role in it. I don't think I did anything wrong. What attracted her to me in the first place should have been appreciated and paid attention towards rather than taken for granted like it was. She didn't care enough. Didn't water and fertilize the soil we were rooted in. Didn't want to grow together and become better people. Wouldn't have been possible anyways since she doesn't have a system of values that are helping to direct her steps.

This is a problem that is endemic in western culture. The degradation of our value system and the apologetic way we defend them from being infringed upon. 

I know this is me cutting it short and I didn't finish talking about my trip to Vancouver but I really need to get to sleep. I feel good that I came on here to write what I did. I do like this new keyboard and the more I enjoy doing something the more I will keep doing it and so I hope to be back here soon with a better update. Even though I'm the only person who reads this blog.

I think.

Hmm. Life is strange. The situation we're in is strange.

We can only laugh because crying is for those who have allowed themselves to be victimized.

And the strongest amongst us are rarely the victims of anything outside of their own designs.

May the Creator smile upon them.

Because this is the age of heros.

And we need an army of them to restore all that humanity has previously stood for.

Truth. Beauty. Love and Justice.

And a society that cares enough to cherish these things.

I can only pray that this may someday soon be the case.

Good night my blog.

May the hearts and souls of us all rise up in these turbulent times.

And may these men and women immortalize themselves through their battles.

The world is watching.

Chronos Trigger

It's been a while since I posted, my blog, and it's only because I accidentally hit the Blogger icon on my phone that made me consider posting.

Live has been interesting to me in the past while. My love in NH... Heh... Has written to me. An email. But that's really new as of yesterday so I don't want to talk too much about it until I receive a reply from her. It's been... Sighs... 36 hours since I sent mine along. I hope she got it and will write back soon. I really want to hear her voice on the phone and I refuse to be used or taken advantaged of. So... We'll see how this shakes out.

No Fola lately. Not for... About a month and a half now since that outburst of mine where I told her with complete honesty how much pain and hurt she inflicted on me. She didn't like that. So... A month and a half since I saw her last. 

And that's fine. Because I deserve better. I have so much to offer the right lady. I know my worth and now understand the similarities between Lauren and Fola as well as the lesson contained within these two relationships for me to have learned. 

And I hope I have learned it enough to progress to the next step. I'm ready as I'll ever be. 

And... The next step has been a series of inches forward that I'm fortunate enough to notice and appreciate. Any progress towards my dreams and goals are very appreciated no matter how small or insignificant it seems to be. 

For one day I had over 200k in my bank account because of GameStop. I didn't cash out at the peak because I thought we had one more green day ahead and we didn't. But that's okay. I know enough to trust the plan at this point and I did sell a few shares in the four hundred range anyways.

Crypto is crazy. My Cardano is going nuts. Staked too, and I'm extremely grateful. Same with weedstocks. They're going parabolic. 

So what's is the end game? For me, it's no debt and six million dollars. Lena Paille. My mother happily retired and living in a beautiful new home. Justin and Seth living on a piece of land that I bought for them and my life being blessed with great service and purpose towards God. That's all I know and want at the moment. 

And each of these are unfolding to me. In ways both big and small. I am truly blessed. Thank you. 

There is an element of uncertainty to all this. Complete faith seems both easy and difficult to maintain. I find it easy to believe but it's hard to believe at times, if that makes any sense. What's the catch? 

And maybe there is no catch. Maybe there really is an intelligence out there that loves me and is able to bend reality. Whether that intelligence is coming from me or not or a combination of something is anyone's guess. 

And I don't really have to worry about the specifics. I just know that I'm loved and I love. That's all that matters. Right?

I'm alone. I miss not having someone to curl up in bed with or have a vulnerable, honest conversation but that's coming. I know it's coming, and I am prepared to receive it once it arrives. 

I'm not out of debt yet and too, can be saddening but... I again know that it is not going to last. This too, shall pass. 

My mother... Well... She's no longer with Chris after decades of being together. My wish for her to be happily retired and living in a beautiful new home is slowly being realized. 

It's amazing, really. I sometimes want to grab a stranger on the street and tell them how good God has been to me and can be for others, but not everyone is able to receive this message. I mean, they receive it, but they don't... Allow themselves to truly believe it. 

So I keep these thoughts mainly to myself. God to me is different than the God that appears to others. It's a relationship and many people are not taking it seriously enough in their own lives to cultivate anything of meaning, abundance, love and commitment to really bring out the best part of themselves that does not rely upon rigid ideology or dogma to sustain itself with. Even an atheist can believe in the God I believe. There is no leap of logic to be making when the truth of the matter is in plain sight everywhere one looks.

So... Anyways. I consider this an experiment. How far can I go? How high can I fly? What would it be like if Icarus had a time machine and could rewind himself back to the moments before his untimely death? Would he have gone as high as he did? No. And he would be in eternal bliss for knowing where the line rests. 

And I feel like I am developing a good sense of where the boundaries are between myself and the rest of the world. Myself and God. 

I respect the line and it is being recognized and reciprocated. I am excited for the opportunity to be on the other side of that line someday. To serve another as I have been served myself. 

Yet, life is unfinished with many roads to drive before I reach each of my destinations. I feel it. I feel this so deeply that it no longer occupies my running thoughts. It's just there. A silent knowing of immutable truth contained within this fleshy cage of mine. 

And it is truly wonderful to experience. 

Thank you blog. Thank you Fola. Lena. Mom. Justin and Seth. 

Thank you God and all the arms and fingers and toes of It. 

Thank you David. For trying your very best. 

Thank you. 

The Wheel of Karma Turns Again

 ...One week since Fola broke up with me. Yep. On her birthday this time.

I had to shrug my shoulders with a smile when my mom asked about this. We broke up again. No surprise there mom.

"I don't know what to say" she said. "I'm not sure what I can tell you."

And she doesn't have to say anything. When she asked what the reasons were for this time, I had some real trouble trying to explain it myself.

We broke up because Fola ... well, gave up on us. Said she "needed" to do this. Whatever that means.

She's needed to do a lot of things in the time we were together. Last broke up was for reasons of a double-standard. I couldn't talk to that one girl who reached out to me for help with her spiritual emergency, even though I told Fola about this person. Apparently I "lied" to Fola by... uhm...

Yeah, no. I didn't lie. But Fola wanted to fold in my conversation with the person on Instagram as part of the "lie". Apparently I was supposed to tell Fola that we talked on Instagram as well. Which is not a big deal because who cares if it was on email and then Instagram? Besides, the person I was helping wanted me to see her paintings on Instagram and while on there, I noticed she was online so I opened up a chat.

Big deal. The double-standard is that Fola can talk to as many guys as she likes about their spiritual emergencies. Or just talk to guys in general. I still remember her words and the way she laughed at my not liking this, saying "get used to it! there's going to be a lot more!" or something along those lines.

... 

Hypocrisy at it's finest. Either that, or I just don't know how a woman's mind works. Sure, they don't want to take responsibility for their actions and so many of them operate off of emotions rather than logic but is it really THIS bad with them? I feel like they are an alien species at times, and I often find myself wondering if I needed to adjust myself to this fact. That maybe there is NO such thing as an equal partnership except the illusion of one that must be maintained at all times. 

I've read David Deida, "The Way of the Superior Man" and... well, it seems like that is how it actually has to be. 

But one thing that I know I should take responsibility for is that I wasn't the man I could be while I was with Fola. Her masculine side overpowered me at times. I hated it. 

Prior to our breakup, the day before, she said that "sex was too much work" while in bed and I wanted to get intimate.

Too much work. My mind and heart sank at those words.

I was doing all the work. The foreplay. Taking initative.

She then told me to stop messing around and just "do it" meaning that I shouldn't beat around the bush and straight up rape her instead.

What a mess.

So many conflicting messages from that woman.

I'm tired thinking and writing about it. Too many mentions of her on my blog. Too much energy expended.

And for what? She thinks sex is too much "work".

All that for nothing. All that attention I gave her. All my time and energy and... it's too much work for her to want to be intimate with me when I need physical intimacy.

It didn't even have to be sex, I told her. Just have her be affectionate.

But, whatever. It is what it is.

I feel like she will always be confused and sending mixed messages. To whoever it will be in the future that decides to engage in a relationship with her.

I also know that it is because I wasn't expressing my masculine side that this all happened. Now I understand the importance of being vigiliant and to not let my guard down.

But I talked about this before, didn't I?

And yet I keep forgetting about it. 

I think the ideal is to keep a balance. To stay in the middle. Not too masculine, not too feminine. Just stay in the center.

Know when to express both. 

The week before our breakup, she called me a "magus" in bed. "I felt like I was with a magus" she texted. Next week, sex is too much "work" and the day before was "wasting time".

Okay, Fola. You do you.

Mixed messages from here onto all of eternity.

Sabotage. Guilt. Shame. Fear of commitment. All these traumas and things that you do will not be healed or resolved. At least not with me, so maybe breaking up was the right thing to do.

This really makes me wonder about the twin flame stuff. 

I just finished a four day peer-support class which I found extremely enlightening. I now understand the communication issues that Fola and I were having and was taught a model for problem solving that I find to be very useful and likely to assist me in the future.

If only I knew back then. And if only she knew how to listen to me whenever I complained or needed something from her.

She is not perfect. Neither am I. Together we are even more imperfect, it seems.

Yet... I know there's this... feeling inside of each of us that says we love each other. Although to be honest, I feel less certain of this than I was a month ago.

What love do I have for a woman who gives up this easily? Who sees my need for intimacy as "too much work" which is... hurtful and not indicative of love in the slightest.

But maybe our wires were crossed. She made the wrong assumption and said ... the wrong thing.

Why? I don't know why. But it was insensitive.

And I don't know how to deal with that. Man up? Suck it up? Carry on thinking that I need thicker skin or learn to be more assertive with my needs?

I'm thinking assertiveness was a problem on my end. 

Not communicating my needs was another.

Sighs. I am pretty tired of all this. I really am.

And this COVID stuff and the election fraud and all this fear in the world today is... 

Overwhelming to deal with at times, even though I am not particularly fearful. It's just overwhelming. Too much information. Too many things to stay current with.

I want to ensure my own safety and the safety of my loved ones. I can't do that without their support. If Fola gives up this easily on our relationship, then I can't count on her to be with me when things get potentially even harder to deal with.

She'd be the rat jumping off the sinking ship rather than work with me to patch a hole where the water is coming in.

No, that is not the kind of woman I want in my life.

I'll be blunt. I want to fuck her. I like talking to her at times but mainly I want to fuck her.

And that is pretty sad of me to admit.

That this is all this woman seems good for.

Someone to spend time with and fuck.

Sad, David... That is not a good relationship to be in.

And her... yeah... no. I'm really tired of thinking about this.

So much wasted potential with us.

I doubt this is the last I'll ever see of her. But maybe it is.

And maybe it's not... because I am considering to go for another miracle.

My birthday is coming up and I'd like her to show up at my house with lingerie on.

That's what I want right now. Just to see if it can happen.

I believe in my power as a creator. In my divinity and in the divinity of others whom many fail to recognize in themselves.

I want to affirm my faith. I enjoy getting confirmation for my use of it.

I don't like that this is what I am looking to use my faith for, but it is an easy way of getting proof.

And it benefits the both of us. Fola and I. 

So... I am considering it. I am mindful of the last two miracles. Having found her in the park and having her come out with me camping.

It can and will happen again if I so choose.

If the powers above and around will see fit to grant my request.

I know that I am not the God of all that there is, but I am certainly a Creator. A participant.

And so, I desire to create this particular outcome.

Sex with Fola by or on my birthday.

We will see how it goes and if I've learned what I needed to learn.

I'd like to put it into practise.

Thank you God. Thank you Infinite Intelligence.

Let's see what we can do.

Bobulinski on Carlson

What a strange video I have watched of a man on Tucker Carlson who was a business associate of the Biden family and claimed corroboration of sinister and greedy motives and crimes perpetuated by a currently running former Vice President who is running for the highest office in the land? If not the world?

With the release of more and more information regarding these criminals, it is a shock at the realization that I am having enough for me to imagine what it must feel to others. And I am a Canadian. I have issues more pressing to be paying attention towards in my own country rather than to these Americans.

But I feel so much empathy for them. The lack of justice in America is demoralizing and heartbreaking. It is not about George Floyd or others of his kind who have been held up as examples of a brutal and racist police force in which reformation came in the suggestion of reducing funds to agencies who are trusted with the interpretation and enaction of justice. It is about much more than that.

Justice has been so evasive of the American psyche in the decades of corruption, lies and acts of treason so obviously committed and carried out by figures of celebrity, politics and media. The crimes so blatantly impressed upon the minds of many, but have gone unrequited and a blackening of hearts towards the virtues of our highest and most storied institutions.

The Americans have been deceived long enough that they are beginning to wake up. To proudly stand for what is fair and just and love and true. Their values. The constitution. Their love for their country and communities. Neighbors and friends.

They're starved for justice.

And they deserve to have it.

But there is such a fear in the air that many are unwilling to observe and understand. It is this deeper, profound fear of a kind beyond our sanest imaginations. We are nakedly seeing the devil and many of us are cowed to their knees with fear and bowed heads.

That it is not what humanity needs to be. Or can be. Or should have to accept.

There are things worth dying for in this world. Protecting. Preserving and being an advocate for. These are values held with severe regard among the early founders of America by which who has inspired the world to become the enterprise that it is. This focal point by which we all dance about to the tune of.

And I thought about this evil and what it really is. I thought about how it can be looked at for the evil it represents as well as the reason for how it desires to exist. 

Then I also considered that in order for us to understand what is important, we must face this darkness and shine forth our light. To acknowledge with tender but stern expression, the purpose and motivations of these dark entities. To understand who it is that we are sitting across and to bow our head, not out of deference to fear but rather to sympathy, to compassion. To fairness and to faith.

Great faith, it seems, from what I have saw in this interview. Both from Carlson as well as Bobulinski who is certain to be facing a test of his faith in what he had revealed on live television to the world.

I was impressed by the courage of this man. He appeared truthful and sincere. I did not perceive any signs of an ulterior motive. I only saw what seemed like a man standing up for what is right and to clear his name.

Bobulinski will not back down from his faith. I can see that. Let us pray that others see this too and hope for him to be an example for the rest of us to follow.

Because we need all the inspiration we can get.

There is a terrible tragedy being forced upon the world. It is a disease that one has to be tested for in order to know they have it. A virus that takes people only one or two days to recover from, should they have it. A virus that normally clears itself out in five or six days. Comes and leaves. Many people are likely asymptomatic carriers and don't even realize it. Perhaps many of us already are immune and have developed anti-bodies to combat whatever this virus is supposed to be.

Because the death count is so low. Hard to believe how low it is for something that kills less people than vehicle accidents do.

It's sad how unjust this all is.

How unfair life has become. How much we've been lied towards. Betrayed and abandoned and ridiculed and divided amongst ourselves.

All the seams are unravelling. We are watching the swamp being drained and we are not liking what we are seeing.

But it has to be done. Evil only has power when it remains in the shadows, unseen by our eyes but known about in our hearts in such a faint way that it is easy for us to brush aside and overlook.

We kind of agreed collectively not to acknowledge the suffering of those that make up the community around us. Sometimes it was too painful to cross that threshold and acknowledge the divine spirit in one another. To see beyond the flesh and into the soul. To not see racial division, income inequality or a lack of opportunity and faith and the pains of love and separation.

We've collectively allowed for the dissonance to happen. For evil to attack us with these spiritual weapons of mass deception. We've collectively agreed to become victims. To wrongly take responsibilty for the transgression of the many as committed by a few. The few men and women who are truly responsible for why the world is the way it is.

A factory. An illusion. A playground. A jail.

There comes a time as all wheels do, to the beginning of the end and the end of the beginning and so we must again reaffirm our faith to that which has placed us here.

God.

A name that is contentious in certain circles and a name that has many other names across the spectrum of human faith.

But despite what it is referred towards, this spirit or entity or state of being and mind, the values are usually the same. 

Love, Truth, Beauty and Justice.

These are eternal values that will never die in the heart of any living being that has a modest affinity and appreciation for the privilege of being alive. To be thankful for what is an opportunity given to us across the vestiges of time and space, to be in this particular body at this particular moment in time.

We have gone through much worse in the past. Many have survived. And we will survive here, also, as we hold fast to what is nearest and dear to our hearts.

Viktor Frankl is an inspiring example of this.

But we do not have to be afraid to martyr ourselves for what we truly believe in. Sometimes we find ourselves uplifted and held high. Watched under the eyes of something that seems to protect us. To service our needs and to reveal opportunity in the places where we are least expect them to be.

So it is impressive and inspiring for me to see a courageous man like Tony Bobulinski get onto the public's radar to speak out his truth. Robbing evil of some of it's power. Attacking it in the light that it now stands. Away from the shadows it once inhabited.

It empowered me.

That is why I felt like I needed to come on here and post some of my thoughts. It felt like a moment worth recording for posterity. 

Such crazy times we live in when we are hated for speaking the truth.

A truth that has never changed in all the days from when man was first born.

A truth we all know each other to have.

A common understanding that permutes us all.

The divinity of our souls.

And I think these are the most exciting times of our lives. Evil is being revealed and we are being given the most important information and lessons by which we can identify and understand what we are dealing with. To not be undecided or amigious about where one's allegiance stands.

We are being asked to make a new kind of choice.

Or rather should I say, to re-affirm an old but eternal kind of choice?

The choice to stand up for or against the Truth.

The hardest choice there is in life. Guaranteed.

And the oldest.

That is why I applaud both Carlson and Bobulinski. Both of them held onto their truth. Let us all pray that they continue to do so because when they do, they will have won. Evil cannot touch them. It can only arouse the darkest part of their minds and test it against the convictions of their values.

Understandably, it can be a Herculean task for some.

And for others, it is the only way to be. The only weapon we have against a terrible evil that appears to be staring us down.

But it is truly the only way it can be.

Because Jesus was wise when he referred to himself as providing "living" water and in his honoring of the Truth.

The Truth carried him far. And perhaps also, the truth is not that he even died to speak it.

That perhaps the truth is he survived. 

And we are not to know any of this.

Much like other information we are not allowed to know.

But things appear to be revealing themselves in 2020. We are seeing the swamp being drained. We are beginning to see the faces of our opponents.

We now have to take a moment on the ropes as our mid-sections are being pounded by a boxer, to decide if we had enough and to fall to the canvas like a wet noodle, in relief.

Or do we conserve our strength and wait for the time to express it? Like a master would. Like Ali did against Foreman with the use of the infamous "rope a dope" strategy?

We play it smart. We play it tight.

We stay strong and keep our heads up high.

We learn to bluff. When to fold. When to go all-in and double down.

To take unpredictable chances using nothing more than our gut.

And our faith.

Thank you Tony. This article was all inspired by you.

I hope I did it justice.

Countdown to the Elections

 As the title says, we're so close to the American elections right now and I really am wondering how the world will change once we get the results.

A lot of people think elections don't matter. That they're rigged. That Donald Trump is "selected" not "elected" and I don't know what to say about all that. It is curious how he got elected in the first place when the polls had Hilary far ahead in the lead. 

There are two explanations for this, one is that DJT was "selected" and the electoral college bowed down to the whims of its globalist masters.

The other explanation is that DJT really was elected and this is the man that the people want.

Still though, I have no idea what is going to happen. Honestly I am surprised that this man is still alive given that he seems to be such a threat to globalism, the deep state and multinational big tech corporations. You would think he is too good to be true, but maybe he is true. Maybe he is legit and sincere.

That's the tricky part about all of what is going on. Do we have a genuine ray of hope to latch onto with all this BS in the world? Is DJT the savior? One thing about all this is that given the obvious amount of evil and corruption in this world, it almost seems like an impossibility for a man like DJT to even exist. But he does, and the question really is if he is the real deal.

In the almost four years since he's been elected, it seems like he's doing a great job. I don't see any policies being passed that hands over more power to Big Tech and the Pharma industry, although I see an increased amount of military spending which may well be necessary to have to have done. So he at least threw the military industrial complex a bone, but it might have been a needed one if as he said, stockpiles of ammunition was next to non-existent.

So these are trying times. Nail-biting times. And to be blunt, feels like the end times.

There is this book I came across at a thrift shop called "Trumpocalypse" which goes into detail about how Trump is pre-ordained by God and is the only man in the way of a New World Order being established. I can see this. What is particularly interesting is that the book came out a couple of years ago and has only proven its case more strongly since it's publication.

But I don't know how it will all shake out. If Biden gets elected, it seems like America will be going down the tubes. However, maybe that is what needs to happen before people wake up.

On the other hand, if DJT gets re-elected, maybe America will actually be made great again.

Last night as I was praying, I thought about what the plan is for all of us. There is no doubt that God exists and that humanity is on the verge of either radical transformation or technocratic tyranny. It seems like 2020 is the year of seeing clearly with 20/20 vision. What seems to be evident is how black and white things have been getting and it is much easier to choose a side than ever before.

Either you side with fear and anger, or you believe in goodness, love and truthfulness.

Many of the Democrats are on the side of fear and anger. As are the big media and tech corporations.

I know that we are under attack. If America falls, so will Canada. So will the idea of democracy in general. All without firing a single bullet. Subversion from within and without.

It is demoralizing to witness the rioting committed in the name of Black Lives Matter when we see no protesting happening for those killed by black on black violence in dangerous areas of Chicago that far out number however many die from police brutality these days.

People are being trained to be reactive, and not to think critically. This is dangerous on so many levels.

The question with this upcoming election is now about determining how many people are able to look past the fake news and propaganda. How many of us are willing to reject the technocratic narrative in favor of what we know to be in our hearts?

These are historical times. It is so easy to see the end of the world should ballot stuffing, media manipulation and foreign political influences manage to get Biden into office. But perhaps even if that were to happen, it wouldn't be as bad as... oh, who am I kidding. It would be bad if he got in.

So we'll see. I am taking today off from looking at any news or podcasts, videos, etc. Sunday is my digital detox day and although I'm typing this out on my laptop, I'll not be scrolling through my phone looking for the next dopamine hit. Just going to try and get myself centered and rejuvenated.

There is also more drama with Fola... ugh. I am so frustrated and confused by her. She has been telling me about this dinner that she was going to make for me and... well, it doesn't look like its happening.

I really don't know what to say about her other than it seems like she does not want us to have a happy relationship without putting any effort into it. Just excuses after excuses. But she sure appreciates the efforts that I put into it. That goes without saying.

So a part of me is wondering why am I still going along with this. Do I hate myself this much? Do I not deserve to be loved in a way that leaves little room for doubt? Am I sabotaging myself somehow? Do I deserve to be punished and disrespected like this?

That is why I got angry with her yesterday. You can't make a big deal about cooking a dinner for someone and then making excuses for not having to do it. Then she gets upset that I get upset... Although I feel my reaction is justified as I will not stand for being disrespected.

And yet, I allow her to get away with this behavior time and time again.

This makes me wonder just how afraid I am of being alone. Maybe that's all it is why that I am still in this "relationship" with her although she doesn't know if we are even in a relationship...

Honestly... she is not a bright individual. She is not compassionate, not very thoughtful or considerate... Just... a hedonist who feels entitled to my affections without having to give anything much in return.

And I feel like she genuinely wants to be abused. No surprise given what her upbringing was like. Big time daddy issues where she doesn't feel loved unless she's being yelled at.

What a messed up relationship we have.

But I believe that it can be overcome. It's hard. But can be done.

And maybe I am an idiot for believing in the possibility of her being healed from all of her BS because after three years, I am still seeing some of the same old issues coming up between us.

I know I deserve better but... 

Yeah... I don't know what that but is for. I can sense a wall come up whenever I get close to the truth of what this actually all is. Maybe I am supposed to break free from her and believe in my being deserving of love. Not this facsimile of it. This pretend version of what she thinks love is supposed to look like.

It's not love to tease someone with "I miss you, I want to fuck you" etc... and then show up at her place where she goes onto her laptop and ignores what was said only hours ago. 

I crave physical connection and she knows this. It sure isn't fun sitting next to her while she's on a laptop for over an hour, hoping she will be affectionate once she's done.

Talk about feeling like a piece of shit when a computer rivals my value.

Just wasting my time... it seems.

Anyways... 

I do deserve love and I get these small tastes of it from her. Maybe that's why I am so reluctant to let go because then I'll have nothing.

So maybe that scares me.

I know who it is that I want and I plan on sending her a letter. I hope it achieves something. 

I hope Lena will respond.

It's not something I am pinning my hopes on, but its worth a try.

I do believe in God but I am not sure what His plan is for me.

Sometimes what I want and what I need are two different things.

But I know what I want.

And I will continue praying until I get it.

Even if it may lead to the end of the world without my having received it.

At least then, I can enter the afterlife and say that I have tried and failed. That I've done my best to keep faith alive. 

And whatever shall be, will be.

Well... Let's hope that it won't come to this.

A happy ending is a real possibility, despite how society seems to be splitting at the seams.

I believe in God. I believe that I know who I am.

And I deserve so much more than this.

We'll see...God works in mysterious ways.

And... I've seen little miracles here and there.

So we'll see.

Anyways...

Off I go.